What's wrong with me? Why can't I get a girlfriend?

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hyperlexian
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12 Nov 2011, 10:55 pm

AsteroidNap wrote:
At first I was sympathetic towards the OP, but now it's starting to sound as though he feels ENTITLED to have a 'hot' girlfriend.

You're going to college, you're working out, and more...and you seem to be doing all of this just to get a 'hot' girlfriend. Now that it's not happening, you're upset. You feel as though you DESERVE a 'hot' girlfriend.

Well, that's plain BS. Women aren't a reward you receive for doing things in life. They doen't exist to validate your ego, or your life choices.

You need to radically rethink how you approach other human beings, how you interact with them and how you respect them.

yes.



MacDragard
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12 Nov 2011, 11:59 pm

You're never going to get into a relationship, let alone with a hot woman, if you are so desperate to land into a relationship that you let the rest of your life go to hell. Women like to see that men are responsible, mature, and in control of their lives. They can tell if you would be able to maintain a stable, healthy relationship with them. I mean, let's say you do end up going out with a woman you think is hot. What's going to happen when you find out she has a lot of personal issues and has had a rocky past, making her prone to b***h out on you at random sporadic moments even though you've done nothing to deserve such treatment? Are you going to be able to hold your ground and handle that? I'm not trying to discourage you, but that's something to think about.

I would do what everyone else is saying and get your priorities straight before worrying about dating. Once you're settled in, either use an online dating site or go out and meet some women. Read David DeAngelo's materials or find a men's dating group in your area.



deconstruction
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13 Nov 2011, 12:34 am

Well, I wouldn't say I don't understand how he feels. I mean, there was a time where all I wanted was to have a boyfriend and to be loved. However, his insistence on a hot girlfriend does seem like he thinks he's entitled to it (like AsteroidNap pointed out).

It's not just offensive to women in general (women, "hot" or not, don't want to feel objectified), but it's also confusing. If you want to have a gf, you want to have someone you're close to, somebody to be intimate with (I don't mean on sex here, though that's included if both parties are ok with it). You don't just ignore so many potential girlfriends because they aren't "hot".



deconstruction
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13 Nov 2011, 12:38 am

Also, and I guess this will sound harsh, you need to have something to offer other than perfect muscles. And no, I don't mean money.

Girls want to be wanted for who they are, and they want you to care for them and invest your time in them. They want you to be their friend at the same time as their boyfriend. Do you want to be friends with a girl? Or all you want is for her to be hot? Are you only interested in girls sexually? I don't think there's anything wrong about being interested in sex (regardless if you're a man or a woman), but that shouldn't be the only reason for a relationship with someone.



mathesis
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13 Nov 2011, 1:08 am

I'm 24, about to graduate, I have a job in an important global Telecom corporation, I live in the "nicest" place in town, I've played in a stadium, I've been in international radio, TV, etc... I also get smiles, but I just can't get a girlfriend, I feel like you do... it sucks :(.



Sweetleaf
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13 Nov 2011, 1:13 am

DialAForAwesome wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SayHello69 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Prioritize your goals in a common sense order:
1-Get a degree (forget gym for now)
2-Get a job
3-Go to gym again
4-A place and a car
5-and then try to get a gf.


I want a hot one too...I know this is a problem for all guys though not just Asperger's...my life would be so much better with one though. I just don't understand since my brain knows that but yet it does not do anything about it. Bewildering. Taken up every second of my life for the last 4 years. Everyday is about the same thing.


ahhhh, jobless, grade-less and PICKY too?? Why do you think a hot girl would even want you? Just for your aspie humor and your doux yeux? Land on earth already.


Weee-eeelllllll.......to be fair, there are women who get attracted to men who have practically nothing going for them (not saying you have nothing going for you, SayHello....just a personal observation). Same for the other way around too. I know that a lot of those relationships usually don't last, but you'd be surprised at how many of them do. At least where I am.

I'm a strong believer in luck so that may have something to do with it. Some people, no matter how together or confident they may be, can't find partners. It's a sad fact of life.


Beat me to it, that actually does kinda describe me.......I don't look for the things society sees as sucess in people when determining how I feel about them.



techstepgenr8tion
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13 Nov 2011, 1:13 am

mathesis wrote:
I'm 24, about to graduate, I have a job in an important global Telecom corporation, I live in the "nicest" place in town, I've played in a stadium, I've been in international radio, TV, etc... I also get smiles, but I just can't get a girlfriend, I feel like you do... it sucks :(.

Lol, I think that just goes to tell you - along with Grisha and a lot of the other epic life successes around here, that everything people tell you it is; it isn't.


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deconstruction
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13 Nov 2011, 1:16 am

Ok, guys, um, harsh truth: MOST women want men to approach them. The smile you get is a green light. Most women won't approach a man even if they like him much. The smile is a sign to approach.

I know it's not fair. And I know there are women who have no problem approaching guys, but most of the girls want you to approach them.

What I'm saying is, a girlfriend doesn't just "happen" to you. You have to work on approaching her and talking to her. And yes, I know it sounds scary for an Aspie guy to do it, but guess what, NTs are scared of it, too.

Alternatively, you may go after a girl who has no problems approaching a guy, but chances are, you will wait longer to find her than to find a girl who gives you a smile. (= green light)



Sweetleaf
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13 Nov 2011, 1:19 am

deconstruction wrote:
Ok, guys, um, harsh truth: MOST women want men to approach them. The smile you get is a green light. Most women won't approach a man even if they like him much. The smile is a sign to approach.

I know it's not fair. And I know there are women who have no problem approaching guys, but most of the girls want you to approach them.

What I'm saying is, a girlfriend doesn't just "happen" to you. You have to work on approaching her and talking to her. And yes, I know it sounds scary for an Aspie guy to do it, but guess what, NTs are scared of it, too.

Alternatively, you may go after a girl who has no problems approaching a guy, but chances are, you will wait longer to find her than to find a girl who gives you a smile. (= green light)


That is a bit of an issue for me........I mean I can't approach people I don't know and talk to them in general, but I have a feeling the kind of guys I am intrested in are probably afraid to approach me. Hence the reason I do sometimes use the internet as a tool to try and meet people.



deconstruction
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13 Nov 2011, 1:32 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
That is a bit of an issue for me........I mean I can't approach people I don't know and talk to them in general, but I have a feeling the kind of guys I am intrested in are probably afraid to approach me. Hence the reason I do sometimes use the internet as a tool to try and meet people.


Yes, internet can help here. Anything that can make you go forward instead of freezing and not doing anything.

Now, seriously, it's not such a tragedy if a guy is shy to approach. There will always be those willing to approach them. But things don't magically happen just because you have perfect muscles.



deconstruction
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13 Nov 2011, 1:35 am

The last part wasn't directed at Sweetleaf, I meant on the guys.

But I do think it's ok for a girl to approach; hey, that way, you are the one who chose. The thing is, girls often don't approach, they smile and give a green light for a guy to approach.

And yes, Internet can be good for both guys and girls because sometimes it makes us make the move we're scared to make in "reality".



Sweetleaf
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13 Nov 2011, 1:49 am

deconstruction wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
That is a bit of an issue for me........I mean I can't approach people I don't know and talk to them in general, but I have a feeling the kind of guys I am intrested in are probably afraid to approach me. Hence the reason I do sometimes use the internet as a tool to try and meet people.


Yes, internet can help here. Anything that can make you go forward instead of freezing and not doing anything.

Now, seriously, it's not such a tragedy if a guy is shy to approach. There will always be those willing to approach them. But things don't magically happen just because you have perfect muscles.


Well what I like about the internet is there are websites where you can make a profile and basically use that to express who you are and then if someone is intrested well its much easier to send a messege over the internet then to tell me that in person I guess. Even I could see myself sending a messege to someone if I found them intresting.......because either they delete it and never respond or you meet someone cool........though it is also possible to meet not so cool people so I do take precautions when I go out to meet someone I've been talking to online.



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13 Nov 2011, 1:54 am

deconstruction wrote:
Ok, guys, um, harsh truth: MOST women want men to approach them. The smile you get is a green light. Most women won't approach a man even if they like him much. The smile is a sign to approach.

I know it's not fair. And I know there are women who have no problem approaching guys, but most of the girls want you to approach them.

What I'm saying is, a girlfriend doesn't just "happen" to you. You have to work on approaching her and talking to her. And yes, I know it sounds scary for an Aspie guy to do it, but guess what, NTs are scared of it, too.

Alternatively, you may go after a girl who has no problems approaching a guy, but chances are, you will wait longer to find her than to find a girl who gives you a smile. (= green light)


But what if a girl is smiling, yet not interested?



mathesis
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13 Nov 2011, 2:02 am

deconstruction wrote:
Ok, guys, um, harsh truth: MOST women want men to approach them. The smile you get is a green light. Most women won't approach a man even if they like him much. The smile is a sign to approach.

I know it's not fair. And I know there are women who have no problem approaching guys, but most of the girls want you to approach them.

What I'm saying is, a girlfriend doesn't just "happen" to you. You have to work on approaching her and talking to her. And yes, I know it sounds scary for an Aspie guy to do it, but guess what, NTs are scared of it, too.

Alternatively, you may go after a girl who has no problems approaching a guy, but chances are, you will wait longer to find her than to find a girl who gives you a smile. (= green light)


I know it's a green light. It just feels very weird, awkward, and I don't know what to do.



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13 Nov 2011, 7:00 am

SayHello69 wrote:
I am about to turn 23 and I have never had a girlfriend. For the past 3 years I have basically dedicated my life to getting one. It consumes my thoughts 24/7 and has led to sh***y grades, no jobs, and just me alone. I am always in the gym doing everything I can do better my appearance and making sure I always look my best. Tons of girls have expressed interest by smiling..I have basically build the physique that mainstream girls are supposed to like...and I am smart and not drooling at the mouth or anything like that.. Everytime I tell myself I am going to make something happen, and then I don't approach and make something happen and return home depressed as hell telling myself that next time will be different. I feel that the best years of my life will soon be over and I will have nothing but my hands and loneliness....WTF is wrong with me..anyone in the similar boat?


As a previous poster said, you're putting far too much emphasis on yourself and not on how you respect others, relate to them, empathize with them or connect with them. True confidence and power doesn't need to brag about being what it is, it simply is, you shouldn't use bodybuilding as an excuse to compensate for other things such as lack of empathy or building better social skills.

If you want better social skills, socialize more, if you want to emphasize better with other people, emphasize more, if you want to better with humor, go out and practice humor on people, even if it goes disastrously wrong to begin with and you face rejection, you'll get better. Working out does show dedication, determination and discipline but stop going around with a sense of entitlement, working out or being aesthetically attractive doesn't make you better than anyone else.



SayHello69
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13 Nov 2011, 7:35 am

Yes, certainly is hard to approach, Asperger's or not. I don't understand why. Not approaching has been the story of my life. Everyday I go home miserable because of my ability not to approach (miserable food and a life in the gym does not help either). And now I have the fear that my time is running out since I am turning 23 next month. In 2-3 years girls in the 18-22 range will be off limits for me. I know I probably may have a sense of entitlement, but shouldn't I when I am doing everything I am supposed to do and have never had a beautiful girlfriend? Why are the other guys getting girls? I know that this is going to be the biggest regret of my entire life. Because even if I become successful I can never buy back my youth. With this new obsession of mine though I don't know how I will be successful though. I wanted to be the young ripped guy with muscles that gets tons of girls.

I'm going to start walking around and asking girls for directions a lot and then try and turn the conversation to more personal things in the hopes of leading to a #. Anyone else done this?