Hardest Break-Up... Please help.

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i completely agree with SoftlyStepping.

OP, if you feel tempted to contact him or speak to him in any way (except to say something like, "do not contact me again", one idea is to force yourself to sleep on it. so if you feel a strong urge to talk to him or text him, try to make yourself wait one day and see if you feel the same way in the cold light of morning. i bet the urge will be slightly less and any delay can keep you off the slippery slope back into being his emotional punching bag.

And other social outlets are important.

Family, friends, social groups you have participated with before?

Even though I have a theory that only 1 out of 9 social groups, such as a kayaking group, a pottery class, the Sierra club, etc, really work out as far as meeting new people, for a variety of reasons, the leaders often regret taking on the obligations and don't want to do anything extra, people attend the groups almost like attending a movie and not to meet new people, etc.

I think it's still worth making forays, just with a light touch and having realistic expectations.

Take it a day at a time. Don't bother even blocking him or deleting him or making any 'Final' changes (unless he starts contacting you) just focus on ignoring the fact he exists.

If it helps, imagine yourself 3 years in the future, plus or minus another guy, and how relieved you were that you dumped this as*hole all those years ago... (take it from me, it's a very nice feeling)

If it helps, imagine he's missing you, but if you find you then start going off into a fantasy where he sees the light and changes... stop. He probably does miss you. He probably won't change. Or at least, not for many many years.

Keep your mind busy. Avoid thinking about the situation, instead focus on an interesting novel, a movie, or logic puzzles.

Being with friends can distract you as well. You need this. It's great.

I've been having a hard time with all this...

He contacted me today about saying goodbye to him in person... and I answered him. He came up to campus and talked with me. For about 2.5 hours we talked, and it was civil. I didn't lose my head and neither did he. We even laughed a couple of times. He admitted so much fault for his past mistakes, and even though I forgave him, I knew that I had made my decision. I stayed calm until the very end, when we stood up and I finally looked him in the eyes (I couldn't bring myself to do that the whole time) and he told me he loved me. So I cried. And he hugged me. And then we parted ways, not saying another word.

So that's that. I don't know if what happened tonight was what needed to happen, but I did feel that it was closure. He didn't want it to be, he wanted to wait for me, to give me 6 months or however long it took... but I said that's not something I can do. He seemed to accept that. I want to believe that he accepted that.

I don't like looking at this past relationship as abusive. I just don't like it. I only want to view it as a normal break-up, simple as that. But... that's probably just residual denial from seeing him in person tonight. I cannot deny what happened, that will just bury the issue.

But... I feel a relief now. I think I can finally concentrate on my life. I only hope this relief can continue.

You used the word "closure" and that is a good word for what happened.

Sure, look at it as a normal breakup. It's over, that's the important thing

And then the world opens, and then down the road, and someone you can connect with more, hopefully,

. . . and at an entirely unexpected time . . . (and that is the zen of it all )

why does it have to be an 'unexpected time' :C

why cant it be TOMORROW? lolz.

(rhetorical, im just being a goof because im frustrated about being single XD)

because then you lose the light touch

(and I know you're being a goof. I'm sometimes a goof, too!)

I'm glad you're finally able to find some closure to the relationship, I'm going to post the cycle of abuse which may help for future reference.

Look up the psychopathy test. Read up on psychopaths. Take the bob hare psychopath test for him. I bet that he scores at least 15.

That really sucks.

I know I wasn't in an abusive relationship, but I can sympathize with having a recent ex (week and a half ago) that ha trust issues and was a jerk (like yelling at me on my birthday )

Anyways, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me anytime. I know it can be hard to leave someone you loved or thought you loved, but in the end, it just leaves you open to someone who will treat you the way you are supposed to be treated.

In any case, this guy was an abuser, I mean, if my ex would have tried the knuckles stunt on me, I probably would have slapped him (and if it escalated form there...well, there's a reason I have run in my username ) But he never really called me names either, he would just ignore me for long amounts of time. We both got tired of the whole charade and called it quits. If you don't want him back, you have to convince him that you are not a good catch, or you have someone else.

I can help you convince him about not being a good catch, all it takes is a bit of acting, and a bit of not thinking.

Do you have any male friends/relatives who would help you out to pretend you have another love interest in your life? (also requires acting)

Hope everything works out for you. That sounds like a really sucky situation.

Yeah, it's best to get out of that situation as soon as possible, especially if you are harmed.

abuse takes all forms. Also, psychopathy does not necessarily mean physical abuse. Do you really think that the psychopaths in upper management and politics ever actually hit anybody? They still make life for others hell. And YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THEM!! ! Personally, I came up with a way to make my life a lot easier. NO one, EVER (my son being the only exception cause I can not divorce him and he does it rarely ) gets a second chance to lie to me. My take is that in a relationship, if someone needs to lie, to me then they are not for me. Of course, I accept none of my business as an answer, and I also do not lie.

Now, after 20+ years there is an exception to the second statement. I will sometimes lie about something, and later tell the truth (later being within weeks) explaining that because of the nature of the situation I saw no need to burden my honey with something about which she could do nothing other than worry. When the situation is resolved, I tell her about it. She agrees that this is a good thing.

Having zero tolerance for lying, even white lies, makes life a whole lot simpler.
And read Jon Ronsons book, The Psychopathy Test

This is not etched in stone. For example, with my Dad's violence, the 'honeymoon' phase seemed very brief. And sometimes he was high as a kite after he committed violence, as if he was proud of himself, yeah, really.

In a similar way, the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief being denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, . . . well, some studies have found, although that certainly seems to be the case for some people, for other people, they respond differently and it seems to be healthy for them.

(damn sure wasn't healthy with my father.)

DO NOT go back to him. He has psychological issues that generally take years of counseling to address and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

These types of individuals will try to make you feel bad and make you feel like you are the one who did something wrong or is doing something wrong. It's one of their tactics.

Feel relieved you ended the relationship early!

You may have had a deep emotional investment but consider that you were likely emotionally invested with a man who does not exist. A figment of imagination you constructed from his good qualities. There might actually be a man like that out there for you. A man who has all of his good qualities that you find attractive, and none of his bad ones. Certainly there is a man out there for you who won't verbally abuse you, who trusts you, who won't "punish" you and who doesn't have a problem if you disagree with him. A secure man who respects you as much as you deserve to be respected in a relationship.

This man you have broken up with does not respect you and that he is pressuring you to get back together with him is a testament to that. He claims he has changed but he has clearly not because he's actually doing exactly what he had always been doing. Manipulating you and disrespecting your wishes.

You should also recognize that he is likely not in love with you. I doubt he can actually fall in love with anyone due to his insecurities.

Tell him not to contact you anymore and keep looking for that man who is out there waiting for you to find him. There are quite a few men here, in fact, who I am confident would never treat you as poorly as the man you left did.