Confused, please help

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I guess I would feel more chemistry if he took charge and thought of exciting new ideas every now and then. I think he's an aspie as well and it seems like he's waiting for me to take initiative and i'm waiting for him to do it. I've always heard my girlfriends complain that their boyfriends never wanna do anything, it's a turn off! We like to be taken out, and YES we give a s**t if you don't groom and keep up with your appearance just as much as guys do. Physical appearance is just as important as what's on the inside, and any guy who disagrees is full of crap. Interests would be a big plus, but if I were more mentally stimulated, this wouldn't be such a big issue.

it sounds to me like you are already over him and ready to move on.

if you are this sure you dont want to be with him you should break up, as he is likely not going to change.

alternatively, you could try telling him you want him to groom better, and take initiative more, and try to be more stimulating, etc. and see if he can keep up with your standards.

Someone has to come up with something to talk about. Or there is no talking.

The "I know you are but what am I?" defense. Clever.

f**k it. Whatever. Some people can't help but ask life for a bowl of s**t to eat. Learn the hard way. It's clearly your way.

Nuff said. I'm outta this discussion because all she wants is for people to clap harder.

Why don't you see if he would compromise and maybe go to a goth club with you once or twice a month. He doesn't have to go ubergoth in the way he dresses, it sounds like corporate goth would work for him when you guys go out like that. Possibly steampunk. Offer to go somewhere with him thats more his style as well, so things are even.

It sounds like you two get along otherwise.

Frances

He doesn't like going anywhere I like :/ I think it's harder to explain why I feel this way to someone who isn't part of the subculture, it can be a pretty cool scene! I actually believe a lot of aspies go to goth clubs, which is why I think I like being part of the subculture very much. He feels really uncomfortable with people who dress differently. I made the decision a couple years ago that I would stop being inbetween worlds and just go ahead and live my life the way that I want to. I've lost friends because they think I should grow out of what they see as a "phase", but it's not a phase for me. So I guess what I really want is someone who shares that interest with me because it's my whole life. I will never conform because that just wouldn't be me. Yes, we do get along great and we've talked this over many times but we're still trying to work things out. I told him I feel he's holding back, and he completely agreed with me on that. He's a great artist, but I feel he holds back because he cares about what people or his family are going to think about him. He doesn't have to go all out goth, if he were to just let go I think I could fall in love with him.

Nobody on the internet can tell you what to do or not. We don't know your intricate personal history, only the sparse details you provide. We certainly can try to help, but only you know what is right or wrong. You just don't see it yet.
My personal opinion is it seems that you are unhappy. Have you considered speaking to your boyfriend about your concerns? It amazes me that some couples find certain traits of their partner annoying or a turn-off, but never discuss it. Not talking about issues builds resentment. Yes it can be daunting, and finding the right way to say things can be tricky. But being able to do this builds mature, respectful and loving relationships.

Your interest in goth is your whole life? That's...interesting. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if a single interest encompasses your whole life, you do need to mature. You especially need to mature if whether or not you love him depends on if he "lets go."

Also, you need to understand that being goth is just as "conforming" as being part of "mainstream" society. You're conforming to that subculture. Yes, it's very interesting and aesthetically pleasing, but it's still a type of conformity. It seems to me like you find the idea of not conforming romantic, and you're reaching for something to show you don't conform. You already don't conform. You're an Aspie.

I hope this helps you feel better about that. If your boyfriend is pressuring you to not dress goth, then maybe there's something wrong, but you don't need to break up with him just because he won't do it. If your interest in goth is your whole life, however, then maybe you aren't mature enough for a relationship of that nature and you need to wait until you're older to pursue that. I realize you're 29, but everyone matures at different rates, especially Aspies.

Also: TALK TO HIM ABOUT YOUR ISSUES!

Yeah, we've had several discussions about our problems and we're trying to work things out. We are really honest and open with each other, I just wanted to see if other people have dealt with these types of issues before and I was wondering if interests and chemistry are really that important. I grew up in a hostile environment and wasn't taught what loving somebody was until I met my boyfriend, so I'm struggling to find out if what i'm feeling is real or if I should be with someone I feel "in love" with. I've been very confused about this subject to the point where love songs have really begun to annoy me and I feel like that sort of "love" doesn't really exist or isn't meant to last, but when I ask my friends they tell me I shouldn't settle. I don't know, I guess I really shouldn't ask people on this forum because then they're just going to criticize and they really don't know the whole story. I really hope things get better because I don't want to end this relationship especially with all the time that has been put into it.

Well then I have CHOSEN to conform to my style of living. I love everything about it and I don't find anything else interesting. I've loved goth, punk, horror since I was 12 years old because my older siblings exposed me to it and I immediately loved everything about it. When I say it's my whole life, it really is because I show it in my clothing, in my art, interests, and now it has influenced my choice of career, which is cosmetology. When I think about my boyfriend and I in the long run, I feel that he might want me to start "dressing my age" (whatever that means), or that he might not want me to be covered in tattoos. It's like if you're into country, that's just what you're into and punk will seem repulsive to you. You wouldn't hook up a country boy with a punk girl, would you? How much in common are they going to have? lol Just because I happen to be into this certain style does not make me immature. I'm just trying to figure out how this is going to affect our relationship in the future. Everyone has different tastes and dream of having someone they can share similar interests with.

Now I'm curious, what is he saying etc.? What do you feel he is holding back? Do you sort of get the feeling that your relationship is sort of shallow? (or perhaps I am projecting?)

They may have the same major in school; they may both have children; they may both play instruments; they may both be Aspies; etc...
I think I know where your confusion is coming from. You seem to have an idea that people are defined by what kind of music they like, kind of like I believed people were defined by what instrument they played (people who didn't play instruments had their own category ) It's a rigid way of thinking that's common with people with Asperger's Syndrome. You have to get past this and look for commonalities in personality or thought patterns. You may even have common experiences. I like your idea of getting him to do something fun with you because it will help you have common experiences to talk about and build on.

Also, there's more to life than clothing, art, interests, and career. There's love, play, sex, education, experiences, beliefs, gender, personality, thought patterns, family, spirituality, competition, beauty, and so much more--and that's just the human side! You need to broaden your view of life.

This isn't even the real issue, though. The issue is this: are you really worried about your boyfriend suddenly wanting to "dress your age" and not have tattoos, or are you worried about confronting your true feelings for him? Most likely, if he loves you, he will care about you for who you are and not try to change superficial things about you. But I don't think this is what you're worried about; I think you're not sure if you love him or not. While I love all my friends and would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life with and have a child with any of them, you may not be the same way. Is he someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with in a close bond, living with, and doing things you wouldn't do for a friend with, or do you just want to be (possibly close) friends with him? I know you probably don't want to hurt his feelings. Take this into account, and see if this gives you any clues to how you really feel about him. Are you worried about superficial issues you are having with him, or do your issues go deeper?

And I like both punk and country, thank you very much!

About 25 years ago I met a woman via a computerized dating service (I wrote the code). She was a journeywoman cabinet maker I was a programmer. She was changing careers, to become a teacher and is NT. She was very normal, Lutheran, who thought that the government was there to help you. I was and enemy of the state, tax resister, libertarian.

The computer program said that we were a good match. I would say that our 20 year old son (Honors graduate from HS, waiting to go into the navy) would agree. We have agreed on the following: It is our metavalues that keep us close, Our friends are different. What we read is different. We both really value honesty. We trust each other. We do not have to be together all the time.

God (or the great spirit in all things) does not write guarantees. If you are happy doing your own thing without having him doing it all with you that will be good. If you need someone who does the same things that you do --- well you may want to ask yourself why. You may also want to ask yourself if such a person exists and is compatible in other ways.

And maybe, as the first person said, you need to get a lot of pain in your life before you can appreciate someone who is not "perfect for you".

As an aside, in a few days I will be putting up info on the system that I wrote. I am arrogant enough to think that with the proper marketing, I could turn it into something that could own social networking on the internet since it is about an order of magnitude better than anything out there now. What it does is to emulate how people make decisions in real life about these matters.

YEAH horror. Can't find find much good horror, though; there's too much default to the by-the-numbers scare tactics...r u into Lovecraftian horror, by any chance?



I'm into rootbeer. That's right, the soft drink. Not even something grown-up and manly like actual beer, no, rootbeer. I collect rootbeer cans, rootbeer mugs, and taste as many different types of rootbeer as I can get my hands on, read up on sarsaparilla extract and how the use of carbonated water defines acidity, crispness, etc. As you can imagine, this makes me the veritable life of the party and the girls are just queuing up by the long-legged dozens for some ice-cream float goodness.

(of course that was a lie: ice-cream float is an abomination.)

But, and this is very important, I am not rootbeer. I'd work in a rootbeer factory if I could, be a professional taster, replace my circulatory fluid with the stuff - but my interest and my identity are 2 quite separate things, if only because I'm not quite sure what my identity is supposed to be anyway. I'd go with a girl even if she likes (horrors!) Pepsi.

Also: what's cosmetology?

I just went back and saw this post. See the note in bold. So how did that work out? Not having doubts means ??? You are older, now and wiser with some experience. Often, not having doubts only means that you are come combination of blind and stupid. Also chemistry seldom lasts forever. And there is no reason to hurry. If the two of you are being honest with each other, just see what happens.

Ok, yes you definitely know where I'm coming from. I've dated guys who didn't have the exact same interests as me, but the attraction was there. This "chemistry" is and has always been absent from my relationship with my boyfriend and I have always felt like he was just a really good friend. This confuses me so much because you always hear people saying that you should settle down with someone who's a good friend. I don't know what to do but this keeps pestering me and I feel like I'm going to regret it if I don't break things off with him. When I think about marriage, I feel that I would end up marrying him because he's safe and would never leave my side, I don't think about how much I would LOVE to spend the remainder of my time with him. It hurts to admit that, because it does sound very cruel and immature, but I know i'm with him because I'm a coward and finding someone who's going to be there for me no matter what gives me a lot of anxiety. I've had relationships before where the chemistry was there and I couldn't see myself with anyone else nor did I have any interest in anyone else. My focus was on my relationship and making things work, but unfortunately that relationship didn't last. When I first got together with my current boyfriend, I was heartbroken and was so sick of "jerks", although now that I look at it, I really wasn't playing my cards right. I would want too much too soon and that kind of thing, I'm sure a lot of you can relate. The truth is, I chose my boyfriend because he seemed like a decent guy which he really is, but also to bring someone home that my family would approve of. I write about wanting a guy who likes the same things that I do because if I could start over, I really wouldn't give a s**t about who my family approves of or not, it would be entirely up to me. I'm not trying to rebel either, but I really do care what they think but I realized a couple of years ago that I would no longer live in between worlds and I would go bats**t crazy and live life the way it makes sense to me. Unfortunately, my family puts too much importance on settling down and reproducing. I'm in no hurry, and I don't agree with them or everyone else when they say that you're old at the age of 30. Seriously? Getting married and having kids is not a f**cking race, but that's another story.

Last edited by ManicMinx on 27 Nov 2011, 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.