How would you handle a partner's outbursts/meltdowns

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@tronist your Halo analogy is very apt because it often-times does have to do with that he is very good at the game but other people who are not as good can easily achieve things he struggles hard to get usually due to bad luck or bad interpersonal relations. I'm not sure how someone would go about compensating for something like that, though.


Thank you for all of your responses

It really depends on how big the outbursts are. I couldn't handle someone's outbursts, so I just said no more. If they get violent, angry and such for basically no reason or something completely silly, and ALL THE TIME, it's really just unacceptable and something you'd expect from a mere 5 year old.

I know and respect that autistic folks are going to have some episodes like that. If there's an event that triggered it, then it's best to do what you can to keep them calm. But honestly, if it's all the time, they get violent, and for stupid reasons, it's just childish and something I'd prefer to avoid at all costs.

speaking from some personal experience

I can totally relate to this. One of the things driving my almost constant frustration at the world these days is that lately, even in the world of science, I feel that people who may have less of an ability to "grok" physical systems on a mental level can get more recognition by being good at collaborating, relating, etc. among colleagues. A professor of mine even once said that those who do well in science are those who can best work with other people in science. It seems that solitary geniuses are becoming less and less in demand--which explains another professor's comment that "there are a lot of disgruntled geniuses in the world".

Add to this the fact that even nerdy, solitary women, who admire my level of scientific understanding AND lack any established place or skills in the "real world", seem to ignore me in favor of others (though this is not his problem, obviously), and there is a recipe for feeling that the world is terribly unfair. I'm not saying your husband is in science, but this seems like a common thing wherever one is in the adult world.

My biggest recommendation is for him to find something that he can call "his own", where he calls all the shots. Art is one that really comes to mind, not the established "art world", but just the act of creating. The benefit of such an activity is that you are not directly competing with anyone, you are just expressing what you find pleasing/beautiful/whatever, and letting others take it or leave it.

Then he should find some means of sharing it with the world, and hopefully someone will notice. Since you already obviously love him, you can lead the way by being the first to do this. If someone else appreciates what he has done, the good thing is that the other person already is accepting him on his terms, since he could not possibly have "bent" to satisfy unfair standards set by that person whom he didn't know at the time. This, by the way, is also why I find seductive qualities that seem unintentional more attractive than those that seem deliberate--the sense of "clicking" seems more "magical" that way.

I think that just like with children (I've read some stuff in the parenting section about meltdowns just for fun) it is frequently better to just leave the person alone for a while, and remove any breakables/people if necessary. It can be, for adults as well, that they're so overwhelmed by life at the moment that they completely close down to all attempts to console (which would work if they were near, but not at, meltdown.) Especially with Aspies and those who are autistic, wanting to be left alone does NOT mean they they hate you. That's a trap I've fallen into in the past.

I wouldn't tolerate a spouse who was physically violent when upset, even if that violence were not directed at me.

He might have difficulty controlling his anger when he is upset but that he allows himself to become so upset to the point of not being able to control it is just as concerning.

I'm not advising you to divorce your husband, I'm simply telling you how I would handle the situation. However I would not marry someone I knew to have this problem.

I think he should have anger management counseling. It's ok to be mad on occasion but there are right ways and wrong ways to deal with that anger.

My husband has a pretty good sized list of signs that he's getting overloaded before melting down.
First, he stops wanting to be touched or around people; a half hour alone usually fixes that problem.
If I ignore his need for isolation, he starts doing calculus (think like Dick Solomon from "3rd Rock From the Sun."). I find it cute and let him finish his equation in peace and quiet.
If I still ignore, he goes into full meltdown consisting of clipped sentences and harsh sounding speech. At that point, if I speak to him, a fight generally breaks out, so I have to leave the room altogether until he seeks me out.

I like the idea of your husband's calculus equations.

My husband turns to Sudoku or Bejeweled. I am putting puzzle pieces together in my mind.

This is a very old thread, but on a topic that will probably always be relevant. And I agree....much better to calm down with a brain teaser than be agitating yourself and the people you care about.

It looks like you are new, welcome

The dates are on top of the post, if you are ever curious. There isn't anything wrong with reviving an old topic like this that I know of, just try not to get too invested in what you read as the writers may no longer care! But it can be fun to see what people have said over time.