Valentine's Day Blues

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I agree with Jay's first post. This is a reminder of something that is elusive to me. I could say the same, Bec, about not dating anymore, I have not done it in awhile, nor have I attempted it.

Thinking on all the near misses (no pun intended), that I have had, Most if not all involved the female making the first move, including the first kiss when I was in 3rd grade (for a breif period I had advanced thinking, I did not believe all the guys claims that girls had cooties. Even though initially I was concerned about catching something. Perhaps my observations, that they did not seem to be suffering from anything after a few weeks of observation convinced me to try and sit on a swing previously occupied by a female, despite calls that I would catch this mysterious disease. I did notice a distinct and unusual yet pleasant odor. Then I dared them to try and get the girl to kiss me, thinking perhaps that they would infect me with cooties which I observed did not seem to cause any problems, if indeed it did exist at all, they accepted the dare and she kissed me on the lips, a little peck if you will. Thus my first kiss. While the cooties thing was bad enough, I think after I discovered girls were different I never really completely got over the shock, it seemed worse than cooties, they were entirely different beings. Even now I still feel echos of this feeling and find it difficult to shake the shock of their differences. And yet I always found female company pleasant and an attraction to them. My philosophy was (in k-5 grades at least), you talk to girls, and play sports with boys.

(Thinking out loud:Gotta Stay focused) Back to my subject. I was either asked out or a conversation started by females, even down to kindergarten. In fact the first bully experience I ever had was in Kindergarten by two Second grade females, who constantly harassed me when I went to the swingset. One suggested that I be her boyfriend or her older brother would beat me up on the bus, since I had no idea what it even was I said sure. I only ever remember maybe two or three times in my entire life acting first.

Sometimes I would get calls from girls. I remember one, I thought was a drug user, and I turned her down. Sometimes when a female approached me first or an attempt made by a female friend of a female interested, I seemed to find excuses to turn them down. They had too many moles or freckles, five pounds heavier then I thought was workable, (often the smallest of physical appearance or personality traits), or one talked too much, usually the reason I did this though was not because I was uninterested, but because I was interested in another female. If her personality seemed imensely compatible with mine, I thought she must be it.

I think I once heard that for every guy there was one girl, a perfect match. This of course made dating that much as I started looking for specific traits thinking my ideal girl would be my perfect match. Perhaps I misunderstood this philosophy, but it further hampered my chances and perhaps misunderstanding that philosophy is another hiccup of Aspergers. This may also have been worsened by perfectionist sentiment and total fear of mistakes, I could not believe I made a mistake regarding the girl, I thought certainly she must see the same obvious compatibility that I did and therefore could not understand her reaction at the sending of flowers, an approach that seemed to fail both times I used it. I still think the ladies have it easier, especially if they are remotely attractive and it is not just about the physique, a good voice, style of clothes, personality, intelligence, and behavior can all contribute to overall attraction factor.

A vast majority it has been the other way around, maybe this has worsened my problem and caused me to expect it as that is most of my experience.

No, it isn't. People can be fully content without being tied up in a human invented one on one relationship.

Who decided that humans should be romanticly and emotionally involved with one other person? They did. It's not in their nature at all.

If people have a dying need to be in a relationship all the time to be complete, they seriously need more in their life.

oh, it's me, Jay. and when did the word "safe" ever apply to anything to do with me?

i love valentine's day if i'm with someone, avoid anything to do with it if i'm not. i love the soppiness. i love the excuse to show a bit extra care for someone, something other than the ordinary, everyday stuff. i love giving and receiving presents and cards. i feel very sad when i don't have a partner (as is mainly the case), for a number of reasons, most of which i could post here, and all of which are reasonably predictable. i don't have a telly, or listen to the news, or read newspapers, so i'm fairly well protected from mass culture if i choose to be so - avoiding it isn't too difficult.

valentine's day does rather remind one if one is single, and unhappily so. all those who posted here that they're proud to be single - hold on to that thought. i often wish i could be the same.

I feel like explaining my thoughts on romantic love being a fabricated emotion... would anyone care to hear them?

I'll listen to them, as long as you aren't rude.

Romantic relationships are totally overrated. I can't comprehend someone even wanting to be soppy with someone.

A good relationship in my opinion is animal magnetism and a goofy really laid back guy.

Each to their own, though.

Oiy, you had to bring it up, didn't you? You couldn't just let me forget about it and not notice it had gone by .

I will be doing nothing on Feb 14th, other than just sitting at home by myself. I'm not even at school this week, so the only people I'll be seeing are my younger brothers.

Valentine's Day is just a reminder of what I lack. It's a reminder of how I am not "normal." And I do not appreciate it in the least. Usually, I just try to keep myself occupied on that day, and not think about it.

This is an inaccurate conclusion. Various species of animals tend to ultimately select a single mate for life, and based upon their general behavior and desires, humans seem to be one of these species.

It is not unheard of for a person not to desire a relationship, but it is fairly unusual. The base drive to reproduce is one of the strongest inclinations humans are born with. The desire to form a permanent relationship with a single mate is an exceptionally strong inclination, as well. This is because throughout most of our evolution, this behavior made it more likely for human offspring to survive.

Unlike most other species, human offspring are almost completely helpless for years after their birth. They require a great deal of nurturing and constant attention. In even a moderately harsh environment, it would prove impossible for a mother to adequately care for her young child while simultaneously attending to her own survival needs. If one parent is able to attend to the child while the other attends to other tasks (primarily hunting/gathering food), the chances of survival are far higher.

If you are free from the desire to reproduce or seek out a lifelong companion, consider yourself unique and possibly quite fortunate. For most people, this is not a fickle or self-conceived want, but a fundamental need, nearly as base and powerful as the desire to survive, itself. There is not a single point in my life where my natural desire to fulfill this need did not supercede almost all other desires. I did not arbitrarily choose to have a chronic desire that I am hopelessly unable to fulfill. I was born with this.

in all honesty I could care less about the day if i was single,

being with a girl whom i care for,- i like to find ways to make her happy and get her to smile, this to me is just another way to do so when able too. happiness is healthy.

when I was with my ex-wife she got on my nerves much and so many times I ignored the day, when I did she got all pissy feeling unloved, giving a consequence for my inactions, where on the other hand she never returned any actions i did take showing appreciations for my attentions. and it annoyed me that the day felt like its mostly the man who has to be sweet to the girl and not go both ways, almost like dating, if the girl don't like it she can rebuff you, I don't like giving chances to people that rebuff my attentions to do so, and with my ex she got angry when I did nothing to where when I did do something she felt its the kind of day that I had to do it or else,- making the added gifts if any worthless.

so bottom line is, its nice to be sweet to your mate if you just want to make them smile and be happy and need a reason, but for the most part i get my girl flowers every chance i get anyways. its fun, if not pushed and or not a "it has to be done or consequences" (as in them being unhappy and making sure you know it making you miserable/feel guilty, if possible) are taken kind of thing. and i like being sweet on my own, it shows that i care, but i don't like feeling like i HAVE to do it to show my affections, and in some ways thats what this day represents to me.


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Tim

What I hate is all the people at school getting depressed about valentine's day- I mean they're between the ages of 13 and 18! its too young to be worried about not having a boy/girlfriend and being depressed by lack of romance.
Whenever someone says to me 'aren't you depressed about valentine's day?' or something similiar, I always go 'why? its just another day'. its so terrible that card companies etc are upsetting people.

Incidently Valentine's Day is the second highest suicide point of the year- after another over-commercialised holiday- Christmas.

If you don't like Valentine's Day, blame capitalism.

Valentine's Day means a lot to me now that I have had some platonic relationships. I have had one with my prom date, another friend of mine, and someone else who I had spoken about, but not in great detail. Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with hugging someone you are not related to. Whoever this person is, if it is someone of the opposite gender, everything would be fine if you knew this person well enough.

I was waiting for this to be brought up - You're right, But I don't overley agree. If this is the case I don't see why so many people have affairs and want to sleep with lots of people. The only conclusion I can come up with is to spread as many genes as possible.

You are probably right, but i'm more targeting people in the teenage age group.

And anyway, that was not the point I was trying to put across. My point was not about desires, but more about people's emotions. Young teenagers that just have to have a boyfriend or they'll feel a "lesser person" is what I mean.

Thos people annoy me. Sorry for any confusion. Explaining things is a nightmare.



You've hit the nail on the head. This is what I mean. They need a life.

I feel very stuffy right now, which is unfortunate. Valentine's Day is supposed to be a happy time, a time to show your love, and all I can do is hug. Not that I would try to do anything else affectionate, but I haven't gotten to the real serious relationship stage yet.

Oh, come on now. So far I haven't been rude once, only grossly misinterpreted.

I will post the information as soon as I can. It's on my computer, which is at my apartment, and right now I'm house-sitting for my parents while they're on vacation. A hard copy that I gave to my mom to read might be around here somewhere...



In western culture, yes. To certain other human cultures, monogamy is a very foreign concept.

Other primate species do not mate for life.

These facts indicate that human monogamy is a cultural rather than biological phenomenon. If you have any facts to indicate otherwise, I'd love to hear them.

It gives me more time to spend with my girl freind

I hate Valentines Day for a couple reasons. Mostly I hate it because I haven't had anyone to spend it with in a long time. Because of this, it feels to me like a holiday of exclusion. Another reason is that I dislike having a special day set aside to "remind" someone you love him or her. The concept is rather silly. If you truly love someone, you should be reminding him or her every single day.

I've had my share of good and bad Valentine's days and have seen others have varying experiences as well. Many relationships come to an end on Valentine's Day.

Let me recall the worst Valentine's Day I suffered through. After being together for two years, my sweetheart revealed to me, while eating our Valentine's Day dinner, that she slept with another man several months earlier while on a trip to Mexico. Happy Valentine's Day, honey!

Why bother to care? It happened months ago and she came clean about it. It's not like you walked in on her banging another guy. Which would really suck on V-day...