Meeting girls in College environment..... Do's and dont's
01 Dec 2011, 2:09 pm
You say you speak too quickly, so be mindful of this during conversations and speak slower and less and don't over explain yourself. One of the easiest ways to start talking to people, guys and girls, is to introduce yourself just ask what major they are and what other classes they are taking. You can ask their opinion of a class you plan to take. Or if it's around lunchtime and you've been talking to a few people already ask them if they want to get lunch. Or you can straight up and say Hi I'm Pengu1n, this is my first semester here what do you think of this college so far. What are some things you should check out on campus, etc. Also compliment people, guys and girls. That's a nice shirt, what brand is that. That's a nice bracelet where did you get that from, it looks really unique.
I'm in a similar situation, I'm a much older college student but look young still. For the most part the age difference isn't bad at all. But I'm coming to realize that some people expect more (maturity?) out of you sometimes. Like you can joke around and have fun, don't get me wrong, but as an older person it looks real bad if you don't keep up with your grades. And this is something I'm messing up on right now.
also you said:
"This is a very rare opportunity for me in my life. I am going to a place where I have no "reputation" following me in......... I have a totally clean slate and a chance to go in any direction I want to possibly get a girlfriend. I am very excited about the possibilities. "
You have to condition yourself to not think this way. Don't be so fixated on what people may think of you. In all seriousness and practicality, everyday you have a chance and opportunity to define yourself. Just because you acted one way before does NOT mean you cannot change. You do not have to follow that routine. There's been many times in high school where I said I don't like xxx about myself, or I'm always quiet around these people. NEXT summer I will change and do better and make more friends. Why wait? Why waste time when everyday you could be improving your quality of life. Every passing moment is a moment that you decided yourself how to spend it. You have to give yourself the opportunity to reinvent yourself if you want to. Be happy with life, there's no point on dwelling what could have been, just enjoy it for what it is, embarrassing moments and all, and just move on.
awesome advice here. ^^^
OP, i understand your clarification and i don't think you have any serious intentions of using and abusing less-attractive women. but if you read some of the other posts here, you'll see some good advice to focus less on getting to the hot girl and more about developing worthwhile social relationships in general.
it's good that you want to SEEM less obsessive about the person you are fixated on but you might want to overhaul your perspective as opposed to just your behaviour. if you are still just as fixated but are trying to hide it by behaving differently, it's going to take massive effort to maintain that facade so that nobody sees through it. the problem may not be your actions but rather your single-minded attention on one single individual.
not so helpful.
_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105
01 Dec 2011, 2:17 pm
^ Thanks. I really AM trying to overhaul my perspective and build better social relationships. (Sometimes I have a "poor choice of words" or say too much to get a point across.)
Its just I need to constantly mentally check myself to remind myself not to regress to my old social mistakes. I have to constantly fight my instincts tbh.
Also, I don't automatically get fixated on "the hottest girl." I do get to know girls for their personalities......... sometimes to me, the girl initially perceived as "the most beautiful" starts to look bad to me if I realize her true personality is crap, or I start to find a girl beautiful who I didn't notice at first when I realize she has a great inner-beauty. I do take time to get to know people, but I have to use rudimentary checks to neutralize my AS so I actually have a chance and don't put people off. I can see how my self-tips and alterations when dealing with others could possibly come off as "manipulative."
DialAForAwesome
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,189
Location: That place with the thing
01 Dec 2011, 2:54 pm
Don't worry, man, I know what you're saying.
I think the lack of understanding comes in when you have people who don't really have hugely severe social problems with AS telling you to be yourself. If "yourself" won't get you far in life, why not make changes so that it will?
As much as it pains me to say it, I might have to do that too. Lord knows being myself completely isn't working in any way. Then I end up coming on the internet and complaining.
_________________
I don't trust anyone because I'm cynical.
I'm cynical because I don't trust anyone.
01 Dec 2011, 3:42 pm
Pengu1n,
To be completely honest with you, I'm not crazy about this plan of yours. Man, you are putting way too much pressure into all this. I've been in your situation (changing the environment/school and starting from scratch) and it didn't work out at all. People would still sense that (not sure how to define my... weirdness) and would still reject me after about one week.
Obviously, I'm just one person, and your situation might be different. However, having a clear plan about dating and stuff is not a good idea because you have all this pressure, the hopes, the advice, everything, and it just becomes a mess. While in reality, there's no magic formula. A girl will like you on her own, whoever you are - or she won't. There's no much you can do about it.
However, do try to socialize as much as you can, learn social skills and make friends. Both male and female. Take it from there and see how things turn out.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Are you for real??? Do you udnerstand how... disgusting (in lack of a better words) the above thing sounds?
It's difficult for me to sympathize with your troubles and loneliness if you're quick to disregard any female who isn't the "queen-bee". You complain about being called a "dweeb" and not having much luck in dating, and yet, you seem to be ready to disregard any girl who isn't "super hot" or something. You're ready to even use these women to get the "main prize" interested in you. Do you think that's fair?
Seriously, people. One of the reasons so many people are alone is because they disregard people of the opposite sex who are like them. There are many shy, socially awkward girls who'd date and love and like and be attracted to shy and socially awkward guys, and who might also be pretty (even if they're plain looking, or a bit chubby, or unpopular), but shy guys aren't interested in them because they chase after the popular and conventionally attractive women.
01 Dec 2011, 6:14 pm
^^deconstruction,
That was a bit harsh. It is my understanding that depending on the severity of AS and the experience a person has in social situations, that this is not uncommon. It's taken me years and years to go from an isolated socially awkward penguin to the seemingly sociable and approachable person I am today. This took countless hours of re-examining myself and the situations I've been in. And I still don't have it down. I am still awkward sometimes.
pengu1n,
Without much social experience other than what I saw in the movies and on TV, it's easy to fall into the same mentality of going after the hot girl to please myself. Social norm perpetuates the myth of finding your true love and being happily ever after. Like, deconstruction, I am encouraging you not to fall into this myth, but to at least be aware of its existence and acknowledge that "finding the one" won't solve all your problems. Once you fall into the mentality of "searching for the one" you will never be happy, because there will ALWAYS be some fault in the person you are seeing. Nothing will ever be perfect. And it is completely unrealistic to expect things to be so. Little things will bother you. Learn to accept that things will never be perfect. Perhaps she will being talking too much about things you find pointless. Maybe she doesn't hug you a certain way. Or she said something seemingly harmless but you are somehow offended/hurt. Things happen, enjoy life. Don't focus on finding the "one".
Also, don't forget to keep things in perspective. What I've learned over the years is to not blame others first. If I think I have bad friends who don't want to hang out, I first have to look at myself and see if I'm a bad friend who leaves events early for some alone time at home. Also, I consider myself not bad looking, especially if I go out of my way to dress nice and groom nice. But just because I can look good one day, doesn't mean I look good everyday, which also means, I also do not look good everyday to other people. People don't look at you and see how you could be on your best day, they see you as you are for that instant. It's a constant upkeep to maintenance myself to look approachable and friendly. I saw all this to encourage you to find out for yourself through trial and error, what works best for you to socialize. And always keep in mind, before you go and seek something, ask yourself honestly, do you deserve it? If you want good friends, you have to be a good friend first. If you want a well kept gal, you have to dress accordingly. If you say a professor is bad, maybe you are just a bad student who did not exploit all the help available.
01 Dec 2011, 6:30 pm
Why? Because I couldn't stand the sexism in his initial post?
Pengu1n seems like a genuinely nice guy, actually, so I think he should hear these things.
Frankly, I've seen it happening in RL way too many times, for both guys and girls (don't think girls are better; many of them will whine about guys ignoring them, but they are often completely uninterested in all those nice guys and chase after the same 5 jerks). <- not all of them, obviously. But that a pattern that exists, so I think people should pause for a second and think about their choices and preferences. Maybe it's one of the things that's wrong. Maybe you don't have to change yourself, maybe you should change the type of the people you want to associate with.
If you referring to the first part of my post, I didn't want to discourage him. I just presented my experience: whenever I tried to "start over" and sell myself as "regular/not weird", it backfired, badly. I do not wish this to anybody, and I hope Pengu1n will have a better luck. Maybe it was just me, I don't know.
But I DO know that pressure is bad. And essentially, "be yourself" is more about erasing that pressure than any concrete behavior, body language, etc. The less nervous you are, and the less obsess on what others think of you, the better.
For some reason (that I don't understand), people can sense when you need them and when you need their opinion. That makes them run away from you or use you as a doormat. When you stop caring about what others think of you, the better. They might still see you as weird, but some of them will accept that as part of your character and will be ready to get to know you. The less desperate for people you are (including dating), the more chances you have at finding friends and love. But I don't know if it's something you can fake.
02 Dec 2011, 1:22 am
You don't seem like a bad person, but it really does appear that this is some imperative game for you (game not as in for entertainment, but something analyzed, strategized and 'won'). Maybe you do have an inclination to be a "doormat" - trying to sell yourself as some different person isn't how to make that better, though. Sooner or later you're not going to be able to live up to this false (or partially-false) image you've tried to assemble of yourself; it appears to me that this is just setting yourself up for a bad breakup.
This is what I think should be considered: if a person wouldn't be your friend as you are, what makes you think that dating them is a viable option? If these girls wouldn't be a casual friend with you, perhaps because of your differences, there's no reason to think that it would be better to try to date them. You must have the capacity to be friends with a person if you hope to have the capacity to be more-than-friends with them, otherwise you are just dealing with a superficial illusion based on images and reputations that is destined to fall apart sooner or later.
You probably won't ever have an easy time with this. It is the nature of being significantly different. It's not something you can force your way out of. Learn to cope without trying to become someone who isn't you and then just go about your day; you can be open to starting a relationship with someone without making it a mission. If you run into a person that really clicks with you and you weren't hiding behind some 'game face', then I think that is when you will really have something promising on your hands. Maybe it won't happen soon. It could take quite a while. Maybe it could happen next week. It's simply beyond our abilities to know. Just because it has never happened doesn't imply it never will.
If you are just looking to satisfy primal desires, then maybe your initial plan was the right one. I don't like it, but it's not my decision. If you want something genuine and lasting, like I do, then perhaps what I have said can be of use. I will give you a disclaimer that I am anything but a relationship expert, but I do think that my mentality places me in a position to be far happier than if I'd taken the 'hunter' approach like so many. That just isn't appealing to me; I know it won't get me what I want. I want someone to like me for who I am, and to like them for who they are, and to not feel that I need to consciously uphold some arbitrary standard when we are around each other out of fear that I wouldn't be liked anymore. That just sounds like disguised misery to me.
02 Dec 2011, 5:02 am
Seriously, people. One of the reasons so many people are alone is because they disregard people of the opposite sex who are like them. There are many shy, socially awkward girls who'd date and love and like and be attracted to shy and socially awkward guys, and who might also be pretty (even if they're plain looking, or a bit chubby, or unpopular), but shy guys aren't interested in them because they chase after the popular and conventionally attractive women.
I agree, I find it very disrespectful and wrong to use or exploit anyone sexually or financially to manipulate someone into feeling attraction. You really don't need to be outgoing to get a popular girl interested in you either, I think many guys blame social status for their lack of success with women but I've found creating an emotional and physical response and being comfortable in yourself is more important. You just need to be able to escalate and reciprocate to create an emotional and physical response when the opportunity arises.
I don't think many women would want a guy to use manipulation and deception to start a relationship and it's definitely not a good way to build a relationship that has a sense of security and trust. It doesn't matter how popular you are or how much money you have, perhaps to a few gold diggers in Hollywood. I'm a reserved guy yet I've had outgoing girls ask me out and I've even landed a few relationships with attractive, academic girls from upper class backgrounds, I'm no Brad Pitt and I only have a few close friends so I do believe women are more emotional rather than visual.
02 Dec 2011, 12:38 pm
(chuckles to himself)
I'm not at the high-functioning level of AS to where NT girls would perceive my differences and introvertedness as "interesting quirks," or what have you. For me, there is too much of a "gap" between my social-IQ and the level of girls commensurate with my intelligence. I have to date a certain level of girls to have quality conversations that will build a satisfying long-term relationship.
My social IQ is so low, but my intellectual ceiling is so high........... I have to attract a girl with a lofty-enough IQ to be intellectually compatable. However, I will never get past the first step without struggle on my part do to the grossly uneven disparity between my social and intellectual functioning.
No girl will ever look favorably on my "genuine" first impression. My only chance is to get my foot in the door with one girl after another. And if one rejects me after some time, then I will keep trying again, and again, and again, until I hit the jackpot. I refuse to just "be myself" anymore and wait for something I know will never come. I have to get out there and work for it, and throw as many darts against the wall as possible, and eventually 1 will stick.
I don't think I'm socially as high-functioning or naturally gregarious as most of this board to where occasional friends and dates will drop in to my lap.
I don't see why its such a big deal I would try to talk to many girls to try and create the appearance of gregariousness, and to try and open many doors to see where things might lead.
02 Dec 2011, 1:24 pm
It's not the problem to talk to many girls. In fact, I think that, at this point, you should focus too much at one person. You need to build your social skills and learn how to interact with women first.
But the problem is, the way you presented, you are interested in only one, narrow type of a "hot, popular" girl and you seem to disregard other women (who make, I don't know, 80, 90% of all females). It's not just unfair to those women, but it diminishes your chances at finding the right girl.
02 Dec 2011, 1:36 pm
I'm willing to give a wide range of girls a chance....... I just won't "settle" for anybody.
Also, the "queen bee" in my eyes is not necessarily the hot-popular girl, but whoever subjectively registers the most with me.
I have very flexible standards and am open-minded, but I won't settle for someone "marginal" who is only like 30% of what I really want just because some people think I should............ I'm not being egalitarian enough ........... or it would be "unfair" to such homely girls because (god forbid) I dared to fly too close to the sun.
02 Dec 2011, 1:49 pm
I do think physical attraction is important and I do think people should date those they're attracted to. However, society, etc. often shapes our beliefs and dictates the way we should act. It's sad but true that many people (both males and females) go after what they've been told is "hot" or "acceptable" and not after what they really like (or they just confuse the two).
The problem with people who are considered attractive by many is that they're often unapproachable and more difficult to deal with. This is a bad generalization, I know. I know plenty of attractive girls who are wonderful people. But you sure want to be with someone who doesn't mind you being socially awkward and there's more chance that it will be a person who's not extremely popular herself (though, obviously, there are exceptions).
I mean, I've seen so many pretty girls getting ignored by men just because they're shy, or a bit awkward, or plain (= don't dress up). Girls who are prettier than those considered "hot". Similarly, I've seen so many handsome guys getting ignored by women just because they're shy or socially awkward.
But none of this is excuse for the sexism in your posts. Try to redefine the way you think about "marginal" people, manipulation, etc. I do hope most of your first post was badly worded.
02 Dec 2011, 1:55 pm
Lol, I'm not being "sexist." I know what I find attractive and what I don't, and I'm certainly not just blindly following some social conformism (what i saw on "TV"). What I am "turned on" by is totally independent of current social standards.
I'm only relating my ideas and plans, I'm not looking for approval or permission. Perhaps you are secretly just upset because you think you might be one of the "marginal" individuals I would perhaps not notice in real life?
02 Dec 2011, 2:47 pm
But you're looking for advice, and I offered my opinion on your plans. You're free to disregard it, though.
No. I am married and I don't need other men to notice me in order to feel good about myself or to validate myself.
However, I am speaking from the experience, both personal and those of the people around me. I am fairly experienced in these things, and while I don't fully understand people and I never will, I do notice certain mistakes people make. Most of the people I interact with are shy and socially awkward, and it's difficult for a NT to navigate the dating scene if (s)he's awkward, let alone someone on the spectrum.
I've seen it happening numerous times: people chasing after certain individuals and ignoring those they're more compatible with. Sometimes, it's more difficult to notice a shy guy or a girl, but it doesn't mean (s)he wouldn't make a good partner for you. It's quite sad to see shy girls complaining about men being jerks who ignore them, while at the same completely ignoring great and decent and handsome guys around them, just because these guys are shy and awkward and unable to "sell" themselves. Similarly, there are many socially awkward guys complaining they can't get a date while they ignore smart and interesting and (most important?) pretty girls just because these girls are shy and awkward and unable to "sell" themselves.
I won't lie, I've been in this situation when I was in my late teens (as both being ignored and ignoring great guys), but after a few disappointments I learned a few things. I could never be with someone I'm not attracted to, but it's not the point here. The point is not to miss a compatible person just because she is unable to "sell" herself or present herself as a person everybody would want to date.
The whole point of this thread is that you don't know how to "sell" yourself and present yourself as a guy worth dating. So I'm just saying you shouldn't do the same mistake girls who turned you down did because they were unable to see past social awkwardness.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,814
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
02 Dec 2011, 3:14 pm
Its hard to explain what I mean, but sometimes I go somewhere, and I'll just go on and on to where i sort of dig a hole. The more I talk, the more my AS becomes visible. That's why I was contemplating trying hard to "hold back" for a bit, and build some stock by keeping some dignified reticence.
Obviously I will speak, but I meant just avoiding "answering every question in class," "long monologues in class discussions, etc" (these things have ruined me in the past.) I've always tended to just put myself out there way too much, to the point where I display my worst qualities of AS, and I get clipped.
I agree totally about "being myself," but there are things I should "tweak." If I just have sort of a flexible game plan, and I just hold back right away, and try and "adapt" as much as possible to being an NT, etc.
Well wouldn't you prefer to get with a girl that accepts you for who you are?
_________________
We won't go back.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,814
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
02 Dec 2011, 3:17 pm
The biggest problem for me is connecting with people on a deeper level since although I am interested in their lives, I am too forgetful. I would ask them the same questions next time I see them. The only thing I can say is take notes after meeting people and read through it the next day.
I don't know about all that and maybe its different for guys(im female), but not everyone is confident and outgoing and cannot make themselves that way. I personally am not very confident and not very outgoing, yet I still have friends and aquantinces......being myself seems to work just fine. I have friends and I've had boyfriends, though I am quite fine with being single right now.
_________________
We won't go back.
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| RFK Jr. attempted to arrange meeting with Harris |
18 Aug 2024, 6:40 am |
| Jehovah's Witnesses and college |
02 Sep 2024, 10:17 am |
| Autism And The College Experience |
04 Sep 2024, 2:35 pm |
| A big reason why I did not go to a Church of Christ college |
23 Jul 2024, 5:40 am |
