Why I've ended up alone and am likely to remain that way.

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Asp-Z
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12 Dec 2011, 9:53 am

hyperlexian wrote:

SadAspie112 wrote:

Sweetleaf you are not in such a bad situation you are still only 22 and you are a female.

Females under 30 years old usually have a better chance than most males at finding a partner in regards to both online and offline dating markets. Females under 30 are in hot demand, over 30 it is a different story.

There is still hope for you Sweetleaf.

for every woman that dates, there is a man that dates. men and women have the same number of partners on average, as it is mathematically impossible to be any different.

Not true, some women are lesbians

hyperlexian
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12 Dec 2011, 9:55 am

Sweetleaf, if you are happy the way you are (single), or even content to some degree, then there is really no problem. but if you are unhappy, then why not try to change that? tronist and Dox47 hve some great advice for you.

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hyperlexian
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12 Dec 2011, 9:56 am

Asp-Z wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

SadAspie112 wrote:

for every woman that dates, there is a man that dates. men and women have the same number of partners on average, as it is mathematically impossible to be any different.

Not true, some women are lesbians

hahaha true some men are gay too, and some women outlive men. it's not a perfect statistic but close.

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nick007
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12 Dec 2011, 10:41 am

hyperlexian wrote:

I would also suggest trying to find someone who's really lonely themselves & can kind of relate to the depression & things; maybe you could help each other out. Even support as only friendship might help you feel a little less alone

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Sweetleaf
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12 Dec 2011, 12:51 pm

SadAspie112 wrote:

I am not a typical female, yes I have a female body........but I usually wear guys clothes and am more intrested in things guys are typically intrested in, so its not like I'm a super attractive female that people are just dying to get with. So yeah most of the supposed benifits females have do not really apply to me.

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Sweetleaf
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12 Dec 2011, 12:52 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

I accept the person I am........but yeah don't see what to change, basically if I never find someone who will accept me for who I am, then I would most certainly rather remain single.

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Sweetleaf
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12 Dec 2011, 12:53 pm

nick007 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

Yes that is not a bad idea at all.

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tronist
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12 Dec 2011, 11:19 pm

nick007
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13 Dec 2011, 2:23 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

nick007 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

Yes that is not a bad idea at all.

That's how I got my 1st girlfriend years ago. She befriended me on a forum when I made a post about leaving because of problems & life issues. She made the 1st romantic move after we had been chatting a while; I wasn't wanting a relationship till I realized she liked me & I then I realized I liked her. So it is possible that you might could find a guy by befriending one.

tronist has some good sounding advice but a lot of it didn't work for me when I was depressed but I didn't give it much of a chance then. Trying to force myself to be happy when I'm upset only makes me more depressed because I feel like I'm not being true to myself. It works better for me to express my feelings; listening to depressed/angry music while posting/ranting about things helped me more than counselors did. I don't think having a negative attitude is necessarily unattractive; I kind of prefer depressed people in a way because I find them more symptomatic, understanding & accepting. I think finding people who get that instead of encouraging you to improve your attitude would help you a lot more than that cheer up advice or work on yourself stuff that people tend to push. That's been my experience

naturalplastic
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13 Dec 2011, 8:16 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

SadAspie112 wrote:

Sweetleaf
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13 Dec 2011, 11:54 am

tronist wrote:

naw see.. you are giving up before you even began!

like i said its about retraining your brain. you obviously arent going to be some uber magician at all things 'controlling thoughts' overnight. it will take some time. for me, i just went back to my logical brain to back me up. i thought 'what good does this thinking do, if any?'

the answer was always 'it doesnt do me any good, it only hurts me and makes me feel worse'. the same is true for everyone.

It's not like I have not been in relationships, it usually just tends not to work out because I have too many issues myself...I can't seem to quite get close to anyone.

if you are really that lonely i can say with 100% certainty that the 'woe is me' act will not get you far, compared to that of someone who is -ok- with themselves, or even better, feels good about themselves. the 'i hate myself, i hate life' mentality is not attractive for most humanbeings. i think you will find (and im sure your situation is proof of this currently), that most people are more attracted to people who have -SOME- self confidence. being shy is one thing. hating yourself is another.

I am just expressing how I feel, I am not very good at putting on acts so this is actaully how I seriously feel not some sort of fakery. I am more or less ok with myself like I accept things but they are not always things I like. And of course that stuff can interfere, but that's what I have to live with so why should I expect anyone else to want to live with it as well? Its also kind of hard to build any confidence when you really have nowhere to start as for being shy I would not describe myself that way......socially akward for sure but I am not embarrassed about talking to people.

i dont mean to say this to make you give up more, however. i say it because THERE IS HOPE, you just gotta work hard!

write out all of your feelings, that might help. keep a diary.

and.. for the love..

I used to write down my feelings in a notebook and then during this stupid incident where the cops searched my room without a warrent and confiscated the notebooks, it did not seem to really help after that.

dont constantly think about the same negative BS that is whats making you 'sick' in the first place! 'i suck, i hate my life, i want to die, i have no confidence, i lack X, i suck at Y' gets you ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE but LOWER THAN YOU WERE BEFOREHAND. do your very best to stop the cycle before it starts.

Well I try not to, and at the moment I am just enjoying some music......so that is what I am focused on, but sometimes I cannot really control what thoughts come into my mind. I've always had some problems with that due to anxiety but during my 10th grade year I aqquired PTSD so that makes it even harder to control because I might start thinking about what caused it or negative thoughts in general and cannot always pull myself out of it....I hate that because 10 minutes later I'm thinking oh crap how long did I sit there lost in my own thoughts. I don't see many people wanting to deal with that sort of weirdness.

YELL AT YOURSELF (in your head), saying "I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT THIS". if you cant help but think about it still, distract yourself till your brain lets go. sooner or later you'll be able to stop negatively reinforcing yourself without the need for distractions / hobbies.

I've tried that, and it does not seem to work......I have ways to distract myself but some of that includes problems of its own.

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Sweetleaf
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13 Dec 2011, 12:00 pm

naturalplastic wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

SadAspie112 wrote:

Being "interested in guy things" is a plus with meeting guys. And you have control over how you dress. If you put a tiny little bit of style into your hair and clothes - just enough so that folks could tell what gender you are- it might go a long way toward attacting male attention- especially from the guys whom you share interests with.

Well I don't really like crap in my hair, so I don't do a whole lot to style it......and I like my style its just not a very normal style for a female but I am perfectly ok with it. I don't really want to go looking to attract people because I am more about finding people I can talk to and develop a good connection with, than people who are after getting laid.

( in another thread you talked about how people 'cant tell whether you're a boy or a girl", and here you're griping about not being able to attract a member of the opposite sex. Cracks me up.)

Well I was not really complaining about it, just pointing out its not like just because I am female I automatically have it easier....if I wanted to attract attention I would dress more feminine more often.

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deconstruction
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13 Dec 2011, 12:25 pm

Sweetleaf,

I do think the problem might be the fact you're overthinking this. While thinking and analyzing can be great things, they can also be bad if you focus too much on it.

I don't think there's something "wrong" about you. You just need to find a compatible person. For this to happen, you need to be ready for that kind of a relationship, and maybe you just not ready for that at this point in your life. Nothing wrong about that.

If you are lonely, try to socialize a bit more. Try to find compatible friends of all genders and socialize with them as much (or as little) as you want.

Now, not being feminine does make some guys ignore you, but those guys are probably not compatible with you, so it's better to know where you stand right from the start.

SadAspie112 wrote:

That's rubbish. Contrary to the popular belief, having a vagina is not enough to bring you happiness in dating. There are many women who are ignored and overlooked ALL THE TIME. Regardless of their age. Often regardless of their physical appearance.

I'm not saying this is Sweetleaf's case (judging by her posts, it isn't), but it is a myth that women have it easy finding a guy to date.

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15 Dec 2011, 10:45 pm

deconstruction wrote:

Well there are things wrong about me, but yeah obviously I would have to find a compatable person.......I guess I just don't want to screw anyone elses life up since mine is already screwed enough. But if there is anyone who really gets me and things end up working out with them cool, but I want to be as upfront as possible about things so I don't end up being a dissapointment.

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ToadOfSteel
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15 Dec 2011, 11:22 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

I'm probably not going to find anyone to be in a relationship with, because I am just to mentally screwed up. I doubt anyone really has any desire to go insane with me which is probably the only direction things would go, so I imagine I will be all alone behind my wall of madness for all eternity. I try to let people in but it never works,usually people are looking for something a bit more positive. They want me to somehow have the answers and be able to help them........and as much as I like helping people there's not much I can really do. I'm ready to say 'screw my life, I'll do whatever I want to, to escape the pain.' So yeah I don't feel I should expect anyone to deal with my self destructive attitude........either they will try to help and feel bad when they can't and project their feeling bad onto me so they think they somehow caused me pain, Or they will get mad/sad and feel like I am trying to cause them pain....when really its more like I just don't give a damn what happens to me anymore.

Take that story, put it in the body of a fat male who can't even apply for a job out of fear (despite being theoretically qualified), and you have my story.

Sweetleaf wrote:

Asp-Z wrote:

Just find a girl who's just as insane as you, there are lots of crazy girls about, trust me

Well I would have to find a guy, being the straight female I am.......but yes obviously if I find someone as crazy as me that would probably help.

Well when you're looking for crazy times, send a pm :oops:

Or even if you just want to talk at all...

And don't worry about screwing up my life... I don't think you'd be able to do any worse to it than I already have.

B3astM4n
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16 Dec 2011, 1:34 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

I think that's kind of sexy, and you seem really chill and intelligent from your posts. Your picture is attractive too. I'd man up and ask you out for sure.

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