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Long Distance Relationships

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Asp-Z
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30 Dec 2011, 3:03 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
I've been in a few LDRs. Based on my own experience, the emotions are definitely real. My suggestion is to meet IRL fairly quickly (within a few months), for a lot of different reasons. There are aspects of a person that you just can't experience via email, text, phone or skype - and some of those aspects can be deal-breakers.

I've learned - the hard way - that people can use the distance and the mode of contact to control your perception of them. I once dated a guy who told me he was divorced and naturally, had his own place. He also told me he couldn't email on weekends because he didn't have internet access in his new apartment yet. Oh, and we couldn't talk on the phone because he didn't like to talk on the phone. And the truth was.....he was actually still living with his wife. If we'd been living in the same area, I would have never bought his explanation. What would any woman make of a guy who could only be contacted at work? How long can you put off showing your apartment to the woman you're dating?

And that leads me to the second lesson learned the hard way: it can be very difficult to judge a person's character if you don't have the opportunity to interact with them physically. There's something to be said for looking a man (or woman) in the eyes to determine if they're telling you the truth. Honestly, when you're strictly LDR, you are only seeing the parts of them they want you to see, and you are in the position of choosing to believe what they tell you, or not. As long as they're telling you what you want to hear, it's easy to accept the veracity of their statements. But distance does make it much more difficult to independently verify what you're being told. And yes, none of us would choose to be with someone who we believe capable of lying....but people do it every day.

There's also the idea of just being around someone, experiencing the day-to-dayness of life to really understand who they are. You get to know a person's routines, their tolerance levels, their habits (annoying and otherwise), their quirks, their flexibility....what's behind the facade we all maintain to some extent. You can also get a sense of how the issues and/or diagnoses they're dealing with will affect you as a partner.

I suggest meeting within a few months because the emotional investment in an LDR partner is real, and attachments are formed. Both partners deserve to know the truth about each other as soon as possible, to ensure the emotional investments are made in reality, not fantasy.


Very, very sage advice.

I'll just add that these things can work out in the opposite way too - you could find someone online and, when it comes to meeting, end up falling for them even more because of the things you only see in real life.



HopeGrows
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30 Dec 2011, 3:31 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
Very, very sage advice.

I'll just add that these things can work out in the opposite way too - you could find someone online and, when it comes to meeting, end up falling for them even more because of the things you only see in real life.


Totally agree, Asp-Z. Relationships that start as LDRs can transition to lovely, local partnerships.


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Solvejg
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30 Dec 2011, 4:00 pm

I have only been in 2 My first was when my first fiance moved away interstate with family. 2 weeks later we couldn't take it and i relocated.

My second one was online with a person on the other side of the world. I even put deposits on airfares to go see him. The emotions inbolved were very real to me and i think for him also.


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League_Girl
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30 Dec 2011, 4:02 pm

I've had three online relationships and they don't work out for me because one I never had the money to go and see them and neither did they so those relationships were pointless. Why be in a relationship with someone you may never see if you will never have the money? It can be years and years. Plus you have no idea what kind of people they are and how you two would get along together in real life and if you two be compatible for a real life relationship. Also people online have their own lives so it be absurd to expect them to be online all the time and plus they may meet someone in real life and be with them instead because they are closer.

The last two had disappeared off the internet and the first one got a girlfriend in real life and I turned 18 so I would have told him anyway I can't be his online gf anymore because I am 18 now and he is 15.



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30 Dec 2011, 4:34 pm

I've had several over the years, and I've gotten to the point now to where unless I find one thats less then 3 hours from me, its not worth it anymore. Some of you may have read my other threads here and there, but I had one till December of last year that lived in NC, I live in Oregon. Once I got my job last summer I was gonna pay for her to be able to come here and visit. A week before our 2 year anniversary I learned she got pregnant with someone elses twins. Obviously end of that, year has past by and still no girl friend.



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30 Dec 2011, 5:41 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
Dilbert wrote:
If you "met" someone on the Internet, never seen them in person, and they live far away? I'm sorry but that is NOT a relationship. That's a pen-pal at best.


Nonsense. Emotions do not depend on distance.


Exactly.

I'm not sure what's up with all the flat declarations that unless you've been in X physical proximity to someone,
yours is not a relationship.

It seems like a very odd requirement.

Even the notion that the people must be able to/interested in meeting in RL to qualify as a "real relationship" seems strange, to me.

If they're 3,000 miles apart, and consider themselves in a relationship, and are fulfilled, I don't see how it's not a successful relationship.

I couldn't do it- my beau is 3 hours away, and that's hard enough for me. But for others.


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03 Jan 2012, 2:53 pm

My American friend is currently in a LDR. She met the guy she loves online and he went over to America twice and she's been over here in England three times. She does feel miserable when she's back in America but I think so long as you stick to what you truly want then distance should never be a problem. I've seen other online LDR break down because neither person put any effort into it.

I also hate the whole 'you can't love someone you've never met' thing. Despite being on the internet and people thinking it's not 'real' on here in any sense, feelings are very real and develop easily for people you've never physically met. Doesn't mean they don't count.

Long distance or living close I don't believe matters one bit. LDR and SDR both equally break down or equally both last well. It's never the distance that matters, it's how much effort you put into the relationship. Compromise, knowing you personally are strong enough to deal with any kind of relationship.

Like the Beatles said. All you need is love :tongue:


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03 Jan 2012, 7:00 pm

NeXus_Blueliner wrote:
I also hate the whole 'you can't love someone you've never met' thing. Despite being on the internet and people thinking it's not 'real' on here in any sense, feelings are very real and develop easily for people you've never physically met. Doesn't mean they don't count.

True, but the problem is you might fall in love with the online persona, which can be different from the person that they are in real life. Even if they don't lie or anything, there are still quirks and habits which just don't get transmitted online.



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03 Jan 2012, 7:04 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
Very, very sage advice.

I'll just add that these things can work out in the opposite way too - you could find someone online and, when it comes to meeting, end up falling for them even more because of the things you only see in real life.


Totally agree, Asp-Z. Relationships that start as LDRs can transition to lovely, local partnerships.

That is absolutely true. I kind of have feelings for a guy I'm having a sort of "long distance friendship" with. We met over the summer during a trip we went on. We're both from Canada but live about 700 mile apart. Anyway, I happened to be in his city in the fall and visited him for awhile. I kind of liked him before that, but seeing some of his traits again, in a more natural environment for him (like the strange mix of maturity, cynicism, and childish exuberance with which he goes through life) made those feelings a lot more intense.