Question for the Aspie Men in Successful LTRs

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Just substitute a different sport for each slot and you have a stereotypical NT guy described.

Seriously, I can multitask, but prefer not to. I can do a lot of things. I can also share the responsibilities of a relationship. It's a 2 way street, with give & take needed from both parties. Why always blame the Aspie???

That's not a completely inaccurate synopsis, many of those traits would apply to me to a certain extant, but it's very generalized and certainly wouldn't apply to all aspie men. The attention span thing can be a real problem, I've been known to forget to eat to the point of collapse when caught up in a task, let alone pay attention to my wife, but it's not an insurmountable problem. Like most relationship issues, communication really is the key; in my case my wife knows she has to ask me for things, including my focus, and that I won't respond to hints and nudges as I simply don't register them.

To be clear, I wasn't blaming the Aspie - just soliciting input on a theory put forth by another poster.

This is a very interesting perspective. I completely agree that there is no cohesive model for autism. IMO, there's precious little fact and a whole lot of conjecture masquerading as fact. Thanks for this post - it gave me something new to think about.

Thanks to everyone who has responded and shared their perspective. When I've been in "mixed" Aspie/NT relationships, I've consistently struggled to understand the impact of Asperger's on the relationship. I'm honestly not certain what to attribute to Asperger's, emotional/psychological issues, personality, imprinting, bad parenting, lousy past relationships.....I keep coming back to the same thought: if two people value each other enough, they'll do what it takes to make the relationship succeed, regardless of the number of "slots" between them. When that mutual esteem isn't present, neither is the effort.

I think also of vital importance is for both members of the partnership to be aware of their own issues going into the relationship.

In other words, one should not blame their Aspie spouse for everything wrong in the relationship if they're in denial about their own bipolar disorder or major depression or BPD or whatever.

I completely disagree with that and find it insulting. I've been in a relationship with an Aspie for 5.5 years and I can ASSURE you that I'm not his maid, housekeeper, financial manager, sex toy, etc, as that person described. He pulls his fair share of the weight in our house and takes responsibility for what he needs to do. Granted, he often has difficulty multitasking, but I know plenty of NT people who do as well. Asperger's does have an impact on our relationship but it's not like I have to be his mom and do everything for him.

I heard once that when you've met one person with Asperger's...you've met one person with Asperger's. While some characteristics are the same, not everyone is like the person described in that post.

I have noticed from post here by NTs & some Aspies that there is a tendency for NTs to take charge when they are in relationships with Aspies. Some of that has to do with Aspies being awkward, less experienced, more introverted ect. It's NOT that Aspies can not pull there fair share of weight in the relationship which should be about half but rather that the NT feels the need to "mother" the Aspie because they are different from the NT norm & this is an NT world so Aspies can get looked at & treated like they have problems dealing with it; it's like how someone with an obvious physical disability has others overly trying to help do things for them when the disabled can probably do the things himself but just not in the typical normal way most would. I have a few physical disabilities in addition to my AS & others have a tendency to take more charge & be more overprotective of me & that has caused me to be a lot less independent than I am capable of being as a result. I NEVER wanted a partner to take care of or take charge of me. I want to do at least 50% of the work in the relationship so things can be balanced & my partner won't resent me & I won't feel like a burden on my partner; I felt like a parent with my 1st girlfriend sometimes because she was a lot younger than me & had some different issues & I dd not like the feeling. It would be great if I could find a partner who wanted to help teach me to be more independent & things instead of mothering me like NTs in relationships with Aspies tend to do. My point is that NTs who do kind of mother their partner are NOT helping themselves or there partner in the long run

Firstly, I'm not applying this to all aspie guys, nor most of them. Just some guys (NT included).

Anyone who truly loves you will go out of their way for you (to a point, cos you don't want to date a doormat). That applies to aspies and NTs. Anyone who likes you enough will at least try and accommodate your needs. Or they're not that into you, simple as. Some aspie men I've dated have had this real phobia of relationships and used all sorts of excuses (including that they can't concentrate on more than one thing, blah blah) to do what they want to do. They try and push you to see what your limits are (for their own fun), or what they can get away with.

The way to spot them? They try and manipulate you into feeling sorry for them, and that they can never help themselves. They can be genuinely nice people at the same time i.e. having qualities a friend would have, but still try to manipulate you what their weaknesses are, when really they're just trying to get away with something you don't like. Still, you should avoid them. Thankfully, I haven't come across many aspie men like this, but they do exist.

If you're certain you want to stay with whatever guy is doing this to you - blank them when they do something you don't like. It can be confusing as hell sometimes, cos you wonder how much of it is them playing dumb and how much of it is genuine. And they keep contacting you, trying to make you feel sorry for them so you call them back, or whatever, and it's horrible because it makes you worry about them. Ignore that feeling. I'd summarise to him what you don't like in one sentence if you can, and if he keeps doing whatever it is that bothers you that much, then leave him. Whether it's fake or genuine...wouldn't you rather be free from all that nonsense?

Sorry, not saying you are blaming Aspies.

But I've read a lot of NT/Aspies marriage/relationship stuff and the blame usually gets put on the Aspie. As my 1st post stated, substitute "sports" for each slot and you have a description of many typical NT males, yet as sports obsessed as they may be, they rarely get "blamed" for relationship problems because being a male obsessed with sports is acceptable in today's society. Yet if an Aspie guy is into his "special interest," he's seen as weird or anti-social. Just the way the world looks at things…

Very good point, although I think women do get fed up with NT men doing similar things.

I agree with you Nick. I think, even for well-meaning partners, it can be difficult to find the balance between "mothering" and maybe....coaching? Personally, I've tried very hard to avoid mothering and coaching the men I've been involved with. Instead I just focused on being aware of their particular issues, and tried to accommodate them. That approach really hasn't worked, either.