Supportive NT-seeking help with Aspie boyfriend issue! HELP

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THANK-YOU!! !

You nailed it - I, too believe that this was a 'severe incident' that might have been avoided if you both knew what to do - but we didn't. Also, I appreciate your post, as I now understand something else now - I have often asked him to 'explain' things to me - wherein he often responds with "read the manual online". I guess my heart and instincts have naturally told me all along that he is a person, not an 'illness' and I have gone with believing this instinct all along. I wish he could tell me things - but I understand your point in your post and appreciate it very much. I wonder if I will reach a point of truly understanding naturally on my own - without having to reference any online manual - and just be able to see what he sees and know what is going on inside him so I have the 'knowledge is power' to understand and fulfill his needs and mine as well - I do believe it is possible, or I would not have entered into a relationship with this man in the first place.

I would appreciate your advice, insight and help moving forward - as I felt a big connection with your post and feel you understand where I am coming from...which is very reassuring for me right now.

I need all the help I can get in an objective view to enable myself to know what the right questions are that I need to be asking myself, seek that direct information out in order to enable getting to the nitty-gritty of finding solutions that he and I should be fielding.

Thank-you so very much.

It is wonderful to know that some of the things 'we' are experiencing are quite normal in this relationship and I find that very comforting - I'm sure he would too.

Thanks!!

Dunnyveg, I couldn't agree more, that your approach is optimum. And it's very difficult for me to really believe that meltdowns are uncontrollable. But I'm NT and am not afflicted with them. I hear what you're saying; just because one has Aspergers doesn't mean that he can't be a safe, sane, good mate. I believe that. Many of you have the self control and motivation to not lash out, but others do not. They lose relationships and jobs because of meltdowns to the point of isolation and despair because they can't control it.

I've been present for meltdowns. I have also seen the dysfunctional cycles of an NT female/Aspie male couple I'm close to and it's ugly and destructive; he angrily melts down and she can't simply walk away, she "reasons" with him and it escalates.

We are not addressing the boyfriend, only Catsas. I would say something different to him; something akin to what you're saying. But I am a woman with women friends married to Aspies and I believe they could do better and frankly, safer for themselves by walking out of meltdowns. And walking away from the meltdowns would seem to save wear & tear on everyone. While their husbands may be able to control themselves better than they do, they are in their 50s and they simply do have percussive ugly yelling accusatory meltdowns over trivial mundane frustrations. (Trivial and mundane to NTs, that is.)

You, Dunnyveg, rise above, and I applaud you. Catsas' guy has not yet done that and he may never do so.

To women with volatile men (Aspie or other) I say; be realistic. Be proactively self protective and self respecting. Don't get trapped in a second episode. Have a place to go and means to get there. You needn't walk away angry or judgemental, just walk away. And yes, if ugly tantrums (NT) or meltdowns (Aspie) are ongoing; why stay with a guy like that? But that's just me; I'm not in love with a man besieged by meltdowns.

Catsas; I think that your questionnaire is a great work in progress for the sake of your own clarity. But it's way too much for a guy; nonetheless an Aspergers guy who's probably shut down right now. I'll get back to it specifically, later when I have more time.

By Louann Brizendine, in her book "The Female Brain":
"Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road. Men, however, have O'Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex, where women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes."
Read more: Male Brain Vs. Female Brain:
http://www.ehow.com/about_5468403_male- ... brain.html

Add that the woman is NT and the man has Aspergers and you can see that you may need to restrict your questions to those concerning actions (not his feelings) and address only those actions which are crucial. In other words, don't try to indulge your female emotional curiosities with this guy; it will shut him down completely.

i SENT HIM THE EMAIL...

i THINK HE IS GOING TO HARM HIMSELF RIGHT NOW - if he hasn't already???! !

I NEED to help - HELP ME!! !! !! !! !

Last edited by Catsas on 02 Jan 2012, 11:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Screw it....here's his personal email he just wrote to me....

(I can't believe that I am posting this - against my own instincts!! !!)


"Should I be taking this at face value - is this a ploy to get me to call him...

what the hell am I to make of this - what the hell do I do - HELP ME PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!! !! !! !! !! !! !!


NOTE: I HAVE REMOVED THE INITIAL EMAIL POST - DUE TO 'EMERGENCY' CRISIS NO LONGER BEING EVIDENT, SO REMOVED THE PERSONAL PRIVACY ISSUE THAT HE MAY HAVE WITH ME SHARING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL IN A MESSAGE BOARDS.
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Last edited by Catsas on 04 Jan 2012, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Please read last posts in my other topic...

Supportive NT-seeking help with Aspie boyfriend issue! HELP

Call the police and tell them he's threatening suicide, and you believe it to be a serious threat. Tell them he's off his medication and using alcohol. You've got to let professionals handle this.

call the police, as there is not much more that members can do for you here. he is a danger to you and a danger to himself. feel free to keep us posted of course, and we will support you but we can't really help him. he needs help of a serious degree that far exceeds what you (or we) can do for him at this point, except for referring him to appropriate emergency assistance and mental health agencies. good luck and i advise you not to waste time.

EDIT: i also combined your 2 threads as you have people in this thread who are working hard to advise and help you.

if there is a crisis line in your area, call it. he needs help and you shouldn't be the one to try to give it right now.

if you don't have a crisis line, the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-talk.

I have decided to mail him a reply....I have this done so far (below)...but am in a panic to finish it at the same time...a freaking out but trying to remain calm...(I think he will listen to me in writing)...

You are worthy of love.

Yes - I am angry - any person would be given the situation the other night. It certainly doesn't mean the world has ended.

All I asked was some time and would contact you when I was ready.

Your email is disturbing to me and concerning and alarming to me also.

I'd say that we had a rather severe accident the other night. Ideally, it might have been avoided if we both knew what to do, but we didn't.

Since we have connected from the very beginning - We have already overcome many obstacles and incidents before we ever figured out was going on. We both listened, talked, learned and overcame most of them so far.

Do not lose sight of the good. I haven't.

Yes - I am naturally upset after the other night - it was not a pleasant experience and I did not know until I read your email what was happening to you.

I do not hate you. I care very deeply for you..

The only way that you need to 'pay' for this is to be honest and open about what was happening to you that night (which you have now done in this email - which we can discuss further) and to apologize for your behaviour (which you have also done in this email).

Yes - I deserve to be happy and so do you. For the most part, you do make me happy. Any relationship has bumps along the way - especially an NT/Aspie one - even moreso?

We live, we have experiences and we grow as human being from all these things.

I do not punish people that I care about - or anyone for that matter.

I know that you did not deliberately mean to harm me in any way. I know that you love me, too...I feel it.

I am allowed to be upset and I am allowed to voice my anger when I feel wronged about something too.

You did not 'fail me' and you are not 'sick' ---- You didn't take your meds, you did alcohol and you lost it --- THAT is what happened. This was not your intention - I know that!

Don't hate yourself - hate the behaviour, learn from it and grow from the experience.

Catsis, I reread your email to him and he is over-reacting. You said that you would contact him when you are ready. His response does seem to be a veiled suicide note and the bit about blood on his face indicates self harming, I guess.

When someone you know has contacted you with a suicide note; that is the time to contact the police in his town and ask for a wellness check because of a veiled suicide reference.

This is not a time to go to his place yourself. Don't call him, right now, piling emotion upon emotion right now is counter-productive. He really needs to get himself out of this with the help of objective help professional help (police; paramedics).

Catsas; he was drunk on New Years Eve? You didn't tell that important detail. Write him an email and ask him to not over-react to a drunken spat by making it worse through doing something truly devastating to himself and by extension to those around him. Reiterate that you just need a break to collect yourself and WILL eventually get back to him. You're giving him time to decompress from this chemical imbalance with dignity.

Let us know how it goes.

THANK-YOU!! !

I was trying to gauge the severity and if anything happened to him and I had the opportunity to save him and didn't - it would kill me - lol (not funny, I know...just trying to cope over here!) I want to stand my ground, re: my earlier email- but not used to any of this - I need him to know that I care.
So - I am writing a brief email - I liked your wording...and apparently I still have a tonne to learn about all this - it's ripping my heart out over here....damn!! Just trying to care and have been very protective of him from the beginning which we discussed...so he will be expecting that.
I feel like this is a game...and I just want to (naturally) NT react to the situation...I suppose I have lots to learn!

THANK-YOU!! !

Sorry, I now can read the above posts, you didn't know he was messing with himself chemically.

OP, he seems to have a very different account of what happened between you two. So.....I'm wondering if he's rationalizing, fantasizing, manipulating....or could this just be a difference in perspective? I've got to be honest - I'm just as concerned about your unwillingness to call the police as I am about his threats. I hope when you're past this crisis (after a night's sleep), you'll take a look at the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Good luck.

It was New Year's Eve and he was drinking. I had no idea that he didn't take his meds and I had no idea what was going on or what caused this meltdown that I experienced with him - nor have I ever experienced anything this severe - just name calling/swearing stuff early on in our relationship. I would have mentioned this - had I known it was important - and I JUST received this email explaination from him which is why I asked directly for one!!- before that I had no idea

Catsas, read HopeGrows posts and call the police and mention the off-meds and alcohol. Please.