questor wrote:
Commitment = Wedding, or at least a ring and a date, or pregnant, or already have a baby. If you have a kid or are about to have one, the decent thing is to get married to protect the kid's interests, and that of the partner, also. If you don't want to get married, then don't get pregnant (as either mother OR father).
Relationship = getting physical, and being seriously emotionally involved, but without the stuff above, in Commitment. If you are not married, or at least engaged, there is no commitment, and either person is free to date other people. This lack of commitment sometimes leads to problems, as at least one person in the relationship often takes it more seriously than the other, and gets upset when the other person dates other people.
Friendship = involves no physical contact, or just hand holding, a hug, a quick kiss, or other minor contact. There is neither Commitment or Relationship here, but there can be a lot of fondness.
Acquaintance = no contact, except maybe an occasional hug or quick kiss hello/good bye. There are generally only low levels of fondness associated with Acquaintance.
No matter how good or bad people are at communication, they need to make it clear to one another what level of interaction they are looking for right from the first. There are too many people who don't do that, and this causes a lot of problems for everyone. There are no real mind readers out there, so please, just tell the other person what level you are seeking in a relationship.
I've noticed that women are especially bad about thinking others can "read" what the woman wants. For the record I am also a woman. My mother even thought I could "read" what she wanted. One evening she wanted to call her brother in another state, but first she asked me if there was anything on TV that night that he would be interested in watching, as she did not want to call him at a bad time. I laughed as I told her to call him and ask him. I am not a mind reader.
I hope I have been able to lay things out clearly.
It's a subjective issue but I personally strongly disagree that a relationship does not imply commitment or that long term couples with or without kids are less committed than married ones, for one thing, if you are gay/lesbian you can't marry (and many dislike the commitment ceremony for various reasons), also, marriage makes sense within a religious framework and often a lot less in a strongly secular one due to its origins.
People who are not taking advantage of others and are fairly mature generally take pains to represent their own intentions accurately and not mislead their partner/date - sometimes wires get crossed but considerate people try to think about this kind of thing. Morally, I think assuming something is a sign of commitment is different from erring on the side of doing things you want and benefitting from the lack of clarification or stated commitment; the former can be a little naive but very human (especially since its often considered more romantic to demonstrate good things in relationships by things like kissing, etc than by declaring them in words) and the latter is not okay. French-kissing people when you have no intention of dating exclusively is rather exploitative I think, its not supposed to be a casual hook-up session so treating it like that is basically messing people about - if you want a hook up session then there are more ethical ways of achieving it.
I personally think its a great idea not to do anything other than what you mentioned above until you know you really want a deepened relationship with this particular person, and even then take it slowly so its less painful to get out of if it goes pear shaped. But that's not from an ethical standpoint its from a pragmatic one; if you would prefer to jump right in then you can, as long as you strive for 100% openness and honesty about whats on the table and how serious you see the relationship as being.
31 Jan 2012, 5:05 pm
