In what way does Asperger's Syndrome impact dating?

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I find it difficult to tell the difference between fear and flirt.

AS impacts dating the same way nuclear bombs impacted Japan.

I'm very romantic and relationship-oriented....

This doesn't describe me, at all- I value interaction with people more than any other thing in my life, because for me it's so rare.

I love them.

I crave that kind of intimacy with another human being- imagining it is my go-to "happy place".
Always has been.


Please don't make claims like this about me, simply because I have Aspergers.

Yup this is usually what dooms me. Things can be going swimingly, lots of contact and interaction.. and then a lull, and during that lull my brain becomes obsessed with "What did I do wrong to cause this COMPLETE CESSATION OF CONTACT ITS ALL MY FAULT PANIC" and then I usually screw it up by coming across as need, when in reality I'm just convinced that I did something wrong to cause the problem.

My problems in dating have nothing to do with not wanting a relationship, or being too aloof in a relationship.

It's because I have poor skills in reading social cues, and body language, and have no idea how to talk to a girl and express interest. In short, I don't know how to attract women.

I certainly would like a relationship, but I haven't the faintest idea of how to get one.

Somebody give this man a medal.



They also like to sit at home on a Friday night watching porn praying like mad mommy doesn't bust them.

I think the Seinfeld episode where Georgie boy is caught by his mother was the funniest ever.

I wonder if his aspie

Sorry, No.

My neuro-a-typicalness didn't socially isolate me or keep me from options of education and work, being born in a rural area of the USA and not liking to drive did that.

We are only lovable to our pets, what a drag keeping some one amused and entertained just so they end up discarding you like a used condom when the tire of you.

I have more dignity than that.

Since each of us is so unique in our "Aspieness," I don't feel comfortable answering your questions in any way except from my own perspective. That said, I can only tell you what I've learned from my own experiences, and what worked for me. For you, things could be very different.

1. Dating (in the traditional sense) never worked well for me. Whenever I asked women out for dates, on the VERY few occasions they accepted almost ALL dates turned out extremely awkward for both of us. Dating someone I didn't know at all, or barely knew, always resulted in a boring night that ended more awkwardly than it began. The only exceptions were when both of us were drunk, and even those occasions, though they may have ended up as overnighters, or even brief shallow relationships with benefits, not once did any of them develop into anything emotionally or spiritually satisfying.

2. Only three relationships I ever had lasted more than a year, and all three began as friendships. Two with coworkers, and one I met through a friend. Not one of the three began as a "search for romance." From that I learned not to look for it as a hunter seeks prey, but rather, to watch for it right in my normal course of life.

3. I learned from the first two failures (one of which was a two year live-in relationship, and the other of which lasted a year and a half, during one of which we were married) not to pay attention to strong feelings of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction, for me, screws it all up and causes me miss otherwise obvious incompatibilities.

The final lesson I learned I know no other way to explain except by telling a story:

In 1995, I met a woman who came to work with me. We worked side by side for a few months and quickly became friends. I hadn't dated anyone for a long time by the time I met her. Our conversations eventually turned to relationships and what we wanted out of life. As we talked, we both realized we wanted a lot of the same things. What we valued and did not value was almost identical. We hung out together on occasion after work, just talking. There were no strong feelings at all on my part, I just enjoyed hanging out with her and talking. This went on for about three months, and we had become very close friends.

One day, she showed up at the store we worked at with a friend (she was off-duty). Her friend's boyfriend and cousin showed up with a couple of motorcycles and invited them both for a ride. I was surprised to feel a little jealous. It took me off guard. She picked up on it when she got back, and I admitted it. That was the first inkling I got that I might want this to be more than a friendship. So we went to my apartment and talked it over for a while. When she left, a couple of hours later, we decided to keep it as "friends" for the time being, but we both admitted to being aware, and not afraid of the possibility that it might become more than that.

What that admission on both our parts did was to add more of a dimension of seriousness to our talks. It was clear to both of us that we were now "sizing each other up" and exploring whether or not taking it to the next level was a good idea or not. Dates were never like that for me. When I dated, I was always thinking "could she be the one?" Unconsciously, I think I put pressure on my dates, which scared most of them away. Seems most women don't take first dates very seriously at all. I guess most people in general consider first dates crap shoots, and just try to have fun with them. I was never able to treat dating as anything less that one of two things. Either we were looking for something serious out of it, or we were feeling each other out for possible sex. There was never any "in between" or any other reason to date for me, and I think that was coming from my Aspie outlook.

While seeing this latest woman, it was clear we were both very serious about what we were looking for right from the start. Because it was so clear, it would have been fine, and we would have stayed friends if either of us had decided it wouldn't work. As it turns out, it did work. We got married six months later. That was sixteen years ago, and we're still married. We've been through hell and back in the meantime, but I strongly believe that how we got started has a lot to do with how we were able to choose each other with confidence, and it all ending up well.

Long story short, during our marriage we began to learn one of our sons had Asperger Syndrome. Through studying AS, I eventually learned I am too. At one point we learned her brother had been diagnosed, and later began to realize she probably is AS too (though she's never been diagnosed).

What took me a long time to realize, long after we married, was that my AS eventually affected how I chose to approach relationships with women. I quit hunting and started paying more attention to women right around me. I looked more toward those that I was really comfortable with, and trust me, there weren't that many of them.

Today, it doesn't surprise me one bit that I ended up marrying someone who is very likely on the spectrum, even though neither of us knew anything about Autism at the time.

I'm not saying that Aspies should date other Aspies. There are plenty of Aspies who don't get along with one another well at all. I do think Aspies in general have unique ways (note the pluralilty!), of seeing life and the world. If you hunt, most of the women you hunt won't understand how you see things. If you just pay close attention to people, and let "gravity" take care of things, I think you'll find that women you feel most comfortable with are the most likely to make good partners for you. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll be Aspies themselves. It just means that, probably, they'll have unique ways of viewing life that are a better match for you than women you approach just because you're attracted to them.

BTW, I never actually FELT anything strong for my wife, until the day I DECIDED to tell her I loved her. I already knew when I said it, that she felt the same. We did not "fall" in love. We GREW toward it, consciously and intentionally.

Sixteen years later, we have three fantastic kids, a wonderful relationship (that has been through the caldron, but that's another very long story), that has stood the test of time, been trough hell and back, hasn't always been paradise, but is (and now we know has always been) rock solid.

For me, the most important thing I learned was to quit beating the bushes looking for it, and just pay attention to what was right in front of me.

Oh. And don't bother with bars. They're the worst place on earth to find a partner. Nobody is their true self there.

Also, to answer your question about Aspie romance and sexual relationships:

Some don't want either. Some because they never have wanted them, and others because (perhaps), they've become jaded (maybe because they "hunt" too much?)

I'm definitely not one of them. I love romance (with the right person), but I'm not unrealistic about it. I hate most popular love songs because they paint an unrealistic picture that has nothing whatever to do with what real love is like. I love sex too! But I sure as hell don't care much for sex without everything that goes with a solid long-term relationship. I've had that, and I always end up feeling hollow in those kinds of relationships. I end up trying to fill in the parts that are missing, which used to bring those relationships to a quick end. That's why I made sure all that stuff was there first this time. I've never had to fill in the blanks with this marriage.

I don't know if I've answered any of your questions, but there it is. I'm damned happy.

Hell, you only have to do it right once.

In College, the three girls I dated were ALL introduced to me. I NEVER meet anyone on my own. I do try, but its hard... Turn into a wallflower at most singles bars/dance floors.

Sincerely,
Matt

I have had a lot of frustration with dating, no luck with relationships. The one woman who expressed true interest in me, and didn't want to jump me right then and there (yes, I have been the recipient of MANY unwanted advances, doesn't make this any easier), is now happily married. Aw, crap.

The pastor at my church also has Asperger's, but he is blessed (no pun intended) in that he's like me: a type A, extroverted Aspie. He and his wife didn't know that he had it until they had been married for many years, and had kids. At that point, it probably doesn't matter much to your marriage, you've found your soul mate, and she has learned to see past your Aspie flaws.

I saw that many people who commented were uncomfortable with intimacy, didn't feel they matured as quickly as NTs, etc. I happen to be the polar opposite of a lot of this; my frustration is that none of my friends are interested in me in an intimate sense. Very frustrating.

Excellent post with good advice.Many Aspies make terrible first impressions which is probably one reason the bar scene isn't a good option.It is important to feel comfortable around any woman that one is interested in as you suggest,feeling comfortable likely blasts away many of the negative impressions Aspies can give out unintentionally .

I have to agree with Valentine except I hate surprises.

Dating is difficult for me because many women make their initial judgement based on the same criteria they want to hang men for (looks, confidence, etc).

So all they see is a shy guy who might be a little aloof.

Now very few people who get to know me think badly of me, they just think I'm a good person with a few quirks.

The challenge is getting women to take a chance to get to know me to get to see the good part that will come out.

I also must beg to differ on the whole "friends" thing. I have never converted a friendship to a relationship. In my experience, women designate you as either "friend" or "dateable" and it's all but impossible (for me at least) to cross the line.

I know I'm too shy to do anything by myself. It didn't turn out too well so far. My first girlfriend basically told me to ask her out, wouldn't have done it myself. We went on one date, she lied to me and that was finished. Nothing happened between us and for most purposes and people it never happened. Then the first girl I would consider a real girlfriend. I only asked her out because somebody knew I like her and would not shut up. This one lasted longer and more dates were had. I was too shy(scarred) to do anything like hold her hand or kiss her (or even hug her). It ended about a week ago because "it didn't feel real" (and a few other reasons, nothing too important) and it's all my fault. It's all my fault an it isn't even my fault, that is how aspergers affects relationships. Thanks to AS I've lost one of my only friends with no chance of getting her back. Also chances of getting a new girlfriend? End of summer: so low we will call it 0, end of next school year: not much higher, end of highschool: I'd bet on one but it won't last anyway. I've already got my point across so il stop complaining more about it....... Now

Very true.I am also very well liked at my job as the people at work have spent more time with me .I am definitely considered eccentric but when meeting someone initially or if I was at a bar I come across as ''a shy guy who might be a little aloof''.That's why my focus is primarily on women who I work with .I just don't have the emotional/social skill set to pull off a cold approach at a bar .

It's hard for me to answer personally, because I don't relate to people as friends at all, and don't have any, online acquaintances aside.
Either I'm romantically-attracted to someone (male, with very specific qualities), or I feel nothing for them.

But it would seem relationships developing from friendships, in the workplace, at school, etc, between people who have known each other is quite common.

There's even a scientific principle about it, saying, essentially, we become attracted to those we spend lots of time with.
Why not? Evolutionarily, it would make sense because we've established these people as being in some way stable in a way we haven't with strangers.