my as bf abruptly stopped talking to me! what to do

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I am in a similiar situation - it has been 4 weeks now. I cannot count the number of Emails I have written but never sent, because at the end of the day, I felt it is worthless. Can it ever be a good basis for a relationship, if someone completely quits communication in case of the slightest problem? It will most likely happen again and again.

It hurts like hell not to know what he thinks and why he just disappeared but I guess there is always a good reason for disappearing. Knowing it does not really change the situation.

If I were you, I would send one short message signalling that you are willing to apologize and want to continue. If he does not reply - set him free. As hard as it is.

It does seem common in AS for them to all of a sudden not talk to you and to me that seems so wrong and hurtful. My ex did that to me and he claimed he was just too busy so I kept calling him hoping he can talk and wouldn't be busy. But mom told me he had moved on so he isn't returning my calls nor answering them or my online messages. I felt so relieved. If I was supposed to figure out on my own we were not together anymore, I sure didn't get the hint because he had me believed he was busy. I don't know if it was an aspie thing on my part or just something anyone would do by calling them all the time. But I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone where they go months not speaking to you and you are left wondering if you two are still together or not. If one does that to you, it's best to move on and just assume they dumped you. If they come crawling back to you and you had already found someone else by then, let it be a lesson for them to not ever just stop suddenly speaking to someone or else their partner may think he/she dumped him/her.

My mom did make it sound like a normal thing for people to do, just stop speaking to someone all of a sudden when they dump you because they didn't want to hurt your feelings by breaking up with you so they do it silently. Plus I knew someone online who was NT and an NT girl did that to him so he assumed she didn't want to be with him anymore. She wouldn't answer his calls or nothing.

Last edited by League_Girl on 19 Feb 2012, 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thanks everyone! i did try to apologize a million ways and give him space.. and be non threatening and very good to him.. nothing.. just nothing.. i guess he's probably written me off. its very painful..

With the proviso that I do not know exactly what has happened in your case, I can offer some general thoughts based on my own experiences.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties --before I knew about Autism / Asperger's-- I tried dating. The initial rush of excitement and positive emotions at the start of a new relationship was quickly followed by increasing levels of confusion and anxiety. I had a hard time understanding my feelings towards the other person, I was generally confused about how relationships should proceed, and I did not know how to fit the other person into my life (with my habits and routines). The end result was I would often break off the relationship at the first excuse. (Although, in all instances, I would tell her I was breaking up with her. One (non-autistic) woman I dated essentially broke up with me without telling me. She did not cut off contact. Instead, she basically switched me from "boyfriend" to "platonic friend", and started dating other people. It took me a few weeks to figure out what was going on .)

There is a lot of variation in how well people on the autism spectrum adapt to romantic relationships. There are people on the spectrum who have long lasting and loving relationships. Others, such as myself, probably should not be dating at all.

In your case, as other people have already suggested, ask him "Is this over, or can it be discussed?" If he does not respond, then break up with him and move on.

No. She seems to already know what's going on - she lashed out at him, and he is not about to forgive her.


A relationship is established and maintained by mutual consent. If only one person gives consent, or one person withdraws consent, then there is no relationship.


I think she should just deal with it and get on with her life.

I also think that she would be risking her safety by pressing the issue. Again, were I in his situation, I would not be playing games with relationships - the only rules would be of the "take me as I am or leave me" type. She would be better off to forget him and find another man who is more interested in her needs than his own.

She deserves better.

well that's nice to say i guess. he was very focused on my needs when we were together. incredibly sweet and giving.. we just had a fight and all hell broke loose.. i know he's used to relationships he's had a couple long term ones.. i suppose ill probably have to let him go.. but its very sad cuz i care about him deeply and he REALLY seemed to care about me deeply. we seemed to speak the same language.. i think i'm a tad aspie myself.. sigh.. oh well

How long has it been now since the fight? [Edit to add: I see now that you haven't heard from him in a week and couple of days...]

How many times have you made contact attempts or sent or left messages since then?

If you feel that your last message(s) was/were conciliatory, I'd maybe wait at least another couple of weeks longer [and maybe don't try to contact him again in the meantime, in case that's overwhelming him] before really considering closing the book for good on your relationship. *shrugs* Who knows? The fight could have really shaken him, sent him into quite a bit of a shutdown or something...and he's not quite capable of responding to you in any way yet.

i definitely feel my last attempts were kind and conciliatory.. i've sorta wrote him on and off
trying to give him space yet let him know i still care... i think i will stop now and if he wants to return he can... thx.that is good advice.

Best wishes.

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." -- Richard Bach, in "Jonathan Livingston Seagull"

Its exactly what my guy has done. Cut me off with no contact, after 5 months of intense contact.
Where is the Aspie/male borderline? Difficult to say. Either way leave him in his man/Aspie cave (as it were) to process. The Romantic w/e could've pushed him over the edge.

My guy got back in touch after an agonizing 2 weeks, with a view to meeting (platonically?-not 100% clear) next week, bringing the time apart to a huge distance-making (in my mind) 3 weeks.

The bad: (guys/aspies take note)
This amount of time/distance early in a relationship will kill it. The lack of closeness, support and sharing will leave a (NT) woman hurt, sad and confused. All of which will make her appear more needy to you.

The good:
With this amount of time to reflect upon your relationship, you may decide that he's not the right guy for you and start to move on. Assuming its a new or new-ish relationship.

That's where I'm at.

I'm in my late 30's and so is he: bottom line? People don't really change, no matter how hard they might wish they could.

I have to accept that my relationship is over, accept him for who he is, and see if its worth keeping him in my life as a friend.

Leave him be for a while, take some time to pursue your own life, And do a little soul searching for yourself.

Best of luck.

I wanted to add:
In my missing my Aspie guy, these last 2 weeks i inadvertantly ran into a mutual friend who knew his ex GF. I was told (unsolicited and it didn't really make me feel better) that she finally left him (after MANY, MANY years together) because she couldnt take his "disappearing for weeks on end any more".

Then I wanted to comment on the 2 pieces above.

Yes, its highly unlikely that he will change - accept that now, and as Strenia95 says, it might just be the way he is. So acceptance is key, over and above wanting/needing a different outcome. SO , in many ways this is helpful advice - it might just not be what you want to hear.

"Confrontation" of any kind (by what i've learned from this community), is not going to work. Maybe its a bad choice of words. In my situation, I've found that every subtle (putting it in writing etc) attempt to has seemingly backfired. It just seems to add up more pressure in his head and lead him to make further wrong conclusions. Maybe my guy is just stubborn, he is certainly (as most Aspies) extremely intelligent, but my explanations just don't work. At all. Actually, the first "mis-understanding" did, but that was way back when.

I'm possibly somewhere on the spectrum (check many - but not all - boxes). When I have too much information layered on top of layer, especially at work, its gets very unclear and i shut down. I visualize these murky layers and know i can never get back to point A, all the way at the bottom.
So I'm not sure that "confronting", gently or otherwise, will clear the air.
It seems like time and space clear the air for an Aspie....the big question is can it work for you? My Aspie guy certainly NEVER wants to re-tread old ground.

For me, its an exercise in pure acceptance, and It could be the biggest lesson of my life.

Thanks everyone on this forum, writing and trying to help others is seemingly a great tool for figuring out my own s**t!

This isn't something that only happens with Aspie guys; Aspie women can be like this too. Aspies in general are prone to this type of behavior but NOT all Aspies do this. I don't want readers to get the impression that only Aspie guys are like this & all are because that is NOT the case

I know I'm not an Aspie but I don't like the oversimplification in this statement. Yes, there are Aspies who don't say anything when they don't know what to say or do but, I think it has to be clear it's quite possible that there are no ill intentions there.

When my husband logically thinks in his head that saying or doing something might make the situation worse, he will often remove himself from the picture (i.e. he'll take some alone time for a few hours). That doesn't mean he's being rude or intentionally trying to hurt me. He believes that not saying or not doing anything is better than doing or saying something wrong. If I let my emotions get the better of me, I assume it means he doesn't care but in fact, he does. He believes he could worsen the situation by not doing something. So, his intention is actually to improve the situation by going away, which means he actually does care. It may hurt because you may be be interpreting the situation incorrectly but, if you try and remove your emotions and think about it the way he may be thinking about it, you'll find he may not be intentionally hurting you.

I find that I have to get my husband to share what he's thinking about out loud so that we can go through it together instead of allowing him to sit alone and come up with ideas, and make erroneous connections and conclusions. So, if you truly believe there is something in your relationship, then, I would make a serious attempt to go talk to him in person, not just on email or the phone. Logically walk through what happened with him. Try not to use emotion. I know it's hard not to be emotional in a relationship but do try, and be clear. Don't just drop hints.

But, really think about whether that is what's happening here or if perhaps, the relationship is just over. I mean, I don't think there's enough details here to assume either way so, forgive me if I'm wrong. From the little I've read, he could be an Aspie going into his cave or he could really just be ending the relationship in a very rude way. Be honest with yourself whether this is worth it.

Seriously, NT men go into their man-caves (a la "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus"). AS men do it to, but you have to treat it differently. Some guys do need time. Four months is a while. My husband has never done that to me so, like I said, it could be the Aspie but it could really just mean it's over. I'm sorry if that's not helpful. Hopefully, you can use some of what I said.

Are you FAT?

Are you UGLY?

Are you OLDER then he is?

Most times people bases their relationships on looks instead of feelings.
If you look good to him on the outside - but are all messed up on the inside - you might look like Damiens Child to him and maybe when he saw how you really were - he didn't want anything more to do with you.

I have the exact opposite problem.
I find a woman that I like.
I bust my butt to get them to go out with me.
After about 3 months of wining and dining them they decide to put out.
Then after they open up to me and I see the real person, either I fall in love or they fall in love and someone always does something wrong.
At first they broke up with me and my heart was all tore to pieces.
Later I found out that it was better to throw the first spear and beat them to the punch and do the hurting part first.

Finally I felt like I didn't deserve someone like them and thought that the only ones I could find were the ones that were trash.
Then I decided that I wasn't sexually attracted to those types of people - so I just decided to keep to myself.

There is plenty of fish in the ocean.
Sooner or later someone will come along that wants to be with me and accepts me just the way I am.

Right now I am looking for a rich nympho that owns a fishing boat - must have picture of the boat!

there is nothing wrong with my physically looneytunes nor does that matter..
THAT i am sure of. thanks for all the advice guys boston123 so sorry its happening to you.. thanks for the insight loco467.. believe me i am doing A LOT of soul searching now and figuring myself out etc..

well turns out he has actually BLOCKED ME from his phone. now THAT just sounds downright MEAN. and cruel.. all i did was try to make amends. that doesn't sound aspie it just sounds like he's a real dick.. thanks everyone.