HELP! Aspie asked me if I cheated on him, I'm really upset

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It's an Aspie trait I've exhibited a couple of times with one girl. Not in terms of cheating but in terms of attributing motives to her "attitude" that just weren't there at all, but somehow I just had this case in my head made up that sort of magically "supported" my position.

I personally think you shouldn't let it hurt you so much that he didn't trust you for a while. If he's anything like me, he'll learn not to f**k it up like that for next time.

Also, just keep in mind that as f****d up as it is, it's a sign he actually cares and wants you to always be his own and never someone else's.

Truthfully, it didn't even cross my mind that he could be dealing with the miscarriage this way until someone had suggested it on this forum but, after talking to him last night, I don't think that at all. In the years I've known him, my husband has never exhibited "grief" either. His mother died from a long battle against breast cancer a few years ago and I know he said he didn't feel the need to grieve about it. But, people treated him as though he was being insensitive so he forced himself to appear as though he was grieving more as a benefit to others than to himself. I never thought anything of it because his mother suffered greatly and it may sound harsh to some, but death may have been better for her than the suffering she was undergoing while she was alive. So, I thought that was why he wasn't upset over hear death. But, through the years, I realized and he's also told me, that he doesn't feel "grief" the way he thinks most people do and often asked me if I thought there was something wrong with him. It never bothered me until we had the miscarriage and he wasn't upset about it. But, when I got over the miscarriage, I also got over how he reacted to it.



I really do believe now that he was just going through scenarios in his head because, obviously, there's always a chance I wasn't where I said I was. It's hard for me to think that way because when he tells me he's going somewhere, I don't ever explore the idea that he may have gone somewhere else. Does that make sense? Like, I just don't do that unless I suspected he was truly lying. So, for him to go through these scenarios in his head, especially when they're so far-fetched was very offending in the beginning. But, like I said, after we talked about it last night, we both ended up laughing about it because he would ask me, "Well, what about when you did this and you went here?" I would go through it with him logically and say, "Does that story really sound plausible?" And we'd both laugh because it was seriously unrealistic.

Even though we've been together for years, I can't get used to some of the ideas he comes up with. He really does have some far-fetched far-out ideas. Most of the time, though, I do listen to him and we go through it together. I do entertain his ideas because I don't believe what he's thinking is impossible, just unlikely, if that makes sense. But, like I said, this was the first time the subject was me so, I wasn't sure what to do or how to think about it.

I think it's really great that you're willing to go over all the details with him I'd love having someone to bounce all my ideas off of and recieve feedback but rarely have the opportunity.
Keep up the good work and good luck

I only have one bit of advice when dealing with someone on the spectrum. Unless you have strong reasons to suspect otherwise, any question made is simply a request for information. I don't think very many of us use questions to say something without actually saying it. We just want data.

He likely just saw a series of events, came to a possible correlation that tied the events together. Probably did not like this particular possible explanation and had strong reason to think it untrue, and so sought additional information that would debunk the idea.

This. It's really great to see an NT partner really trying to make things work with her Aspie. Some NTs who post here are using this site as a way to complain about their Aspie or Aspies in general instead of trying to understand them. Your replies to other threads are really helpful & inspiring to

I agree, her post on the "help, my husband is an aspie, marriage failing" thread pretty much made ME want to marry her.

*Haha* Thank you guys. You are all being very kind. Embarassed

I'm no angel. I do get frustrated at my husband and I end up blowing up like I did when he asked me about the cheating. I'm sure that some of the things I've said to him over the years didn't help with his Aspie self-esteem. But, as upset as I was, I'm glad it happened. Things were really rough in the first few years of our marriage. This incident really made me realize that there's a lot that goes on inside my husband's head that I know nothing about. I'm actually really embarrassed to admit that. I like to think I know my husband really well but even people who have been married 40 years say they are still getting to know each other so, logically, I shouldn't be upset about it.

Sometimes, when I'm really angry or am being impatient, a part of me wants to believe he's not Aspie because then I could just say he's being a jerk when he does something I don't like. But, that's wrong. This incident was the push I needed to really believe he's probably an Aspie. In the days that followed, just from listening to him talk about his self-esteem, I'm believing it more than ever.

I've been thinking a lot about it and it shouldn't matter whether he's Aspie or not anyway. Everyone is different and if people want to aspire to be loving and tolerant then, they should understand how wrong it is to mistreat someone because they're "different." People treat my husband like that all the time and it really upsets me. I was raised a devout Christian and the very people who have preached "love and kindness" to me have been extremely rude and unwelcoming to my husband.

The things that make him different are the very things I love (and yes, sometimes hate) about him.

Anyway, I'm just ranting now... sorry but, thanks again for the kind words and I really am thankful for all the input. I don't know if we would be in as good a shape as we are right now if it wasn't for the perspectives you all shared.

I whole-heartedly agree. There isn't anything wrong with being different although most people think there is for some reason. People treat my husband badly too and it bothers me as well. I was also raised a devout Christian so I totally know what you mean. You seem like a good wife/person

I don't have much else to add but I wanted to comment again because I do feel strongly about the same things you said

This thread gave me the fuzzies inside and brought a tear to my eye.

I'm glad it had a happy ending.

I have to admit, I don't really have any sort of grief at times.
Also loco, you would actually benefit us if you could help us as people like aspies and auties don't really understand and lack the NT outlook of life since we live the lives we do.
I only hope a lot of NTs would be as considerate as you have been.
Since I have not grieved over anything because I have not experienced it happening... I just wonder if he is putting up a brave face about it like I do.