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I think I found her!

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Asp-Z
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22 Mar 2012, 1:03 pm

LOL I appear to have walked into a Shakespeare play.



Wolfheart
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22 Mar 2012, 2:27 pm

Get in, Brian! You can do it, you can win her heart :) Good luck, mate.



ZX_SpectrumDisorder
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22 Mar 2012, 2:29 pm

Playing it cool.



bookworm773
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22 Mar 2012, 8:51 pm

People around you will value you *you* as much as you value yourself.

If we NT's sense that you do not think you are worthy of love, or that you are changing to fit some sort of mold you *think* we want, we will be very scared. Love comes from the trust that is built through honesty. When my likely-Aspie shows me his real self, or a moment of vulnerability, I practically overflow with love- real love- for him. I am so humbled that he feels like he can just be his authentic self. (or at least I did when we were still a couple).

Anyway-- just be yourself. Disclose that you have some challenges... but wait until you have just seen whether your physical chemistry (not sexual, but rather in person) matches the enthusiasm you feel about your written correspondence.

If you are an Aspie, you need and deserve someone who will be willing to accept and care about you in your totality- just as you must care and accept them for theirs.

Work on overcoming your self-doubt and self-hate. These things attract predators. Self-love with shades of vulnerability and truth attract people who are capable of the kind of companionship you are hoping for. Best...



Brianruns10
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22 Mar 2012, 10:32 pm

curlyfry wrote:
I'm glad you found someone interesting but let's not get carried away. Does she message you or do you do all the messaging? Does she ask questions about you? Try not to be clingy.


That's just it. She writes me back every time, within a day. NO ONE's ever responded to me like that in my whole life. That HAS to mean something.

And her answers are so lovely and thoughtfully written, and as long as mine, sometimes longer.

I think I've found a real winner. I'm not going to blow this opportunity for happiness and companionship. I'm going to act as if she IS THE ONE, and do everything within my power to earn her affection, and prove my worth to her, to justify that I am worthy. I'll DO it.



Brianruns10
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22 Mar 2012, 10:37 pm

bookworm773 wrote:
People around you will value you *you* as much as you value yourself.

If we NT's sense that you do not think you are worthy of love, or that you are changing to fit some sort of mold you *think* we want, we will be very scared. Love comes from the trust that is built through honesty. When my likely-Aspie shows me his real self, or a moment of vulnerability, I practically overflow with love- real love- for him. I am so humbled that he feels like he can just be his authentic self. (or at least I did when we were still a couple).

Anyway-- just be yourself. Disclose that you have some challenges... but wait until you have just seen whether your physical chemistry (not sexual, but rather in person) matches the enthusiasm you feel about your written correspondence.

If you are an Aspie, you need and deserve someone who will be willing to accept and care about you in your totality- just as you must care and accept them for theirs.

Work on overcoming your self-doubt and self-hate. These things attract predators. Self-love with shades of vulnerability and truth attract people who are capable of the kind of companionship you are hoping for. Best...


But that's it. Being myself has not worked. Because what myself is is a dorky guy whose career is about the least sexy thing in cinema: researching for history docs. I don't make much money, I don't live in the best, nicest apartment, and my hobbies bore people to death. Who cares that I do claymation, restore antiques, collect ball cards? No one of the female persuasion. I'm the baseline for women. They take a look and see they can do better.

Well I'm gonna make myself better. Make myself the person she wants me to be. It's better than being who I am, and getting NOTHING for it but heartache and lonely nights, and these pathetic recurring dreams I have where a woman just loves me for me and holds my hand. How pathetic that my wildest fantasies in my dreams are holding hands. Loser is more like it.



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22 Mar 2012, 11:02 pm

Well, you're obviously talking to her now, and she's talking back. Unless of course your weaving fabrications about who you want her to think you are. She'll have to find out eventually.


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tronist
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22 Mar 2012, 11:11 pm

whatever you do, dont be overzealous! if you are too sure about the thought of you two being totally right for each other zomg soulmates, etc. , she'll pick up on your desperation and run for the hills.



Brianruns10
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22 Mar 2012, 11:31 pm

My plan is to be quite simply perfect. Everything I say, everything I do will be perfect. I'm going t9o project only my very best, and bury the rest deep down, always wear a winning smile, listen to her with deepest intent, and convince her I am worthy.



Narfibald
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22 Mar 2012, 11:40 pm

Here's the problem with perfect. Everyone's definition of it is different. Your definition of might not match hers. Oh and even if it does, and you enter into a long term relationship, well, you won't be able to keep it up forever. But lets say this is an ideal world and your plan goes off without a hitch. Ever think that you're "perfection" might make her feel inferior and drive her off.


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--Lord of Castle Narfenstein
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Brianruns10
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23 Mar 2012, 1:42 pm

I will be HER idea of perfect. Whatever I have to do or say or alter about who I am to fit her image of the perfect mate, I'll do. It will be the ultimat act of affection and love.



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23 Mar 2012, 2:45 pm

If your change really is for her, that's great. But you're taking a risk. Considering you have yet to meet her in person, much less share an intimate moment, there's a chance you might accidentally revert to your former (actual) self. What happens then? She could hate you for deceiving her, or maybe even get the idea you seduced her for your own pleasure. Have you acknowledged this possibility?



Brianruns10
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23 Mar 2012, 3:49 pm

What other option do I have, if being who I am has failed to attract anyone, and being who I am is someone no woman could deem worthy of love. When they see me for me, they realize they can do better. So I have to change and become that person they CAN love.



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23 Mar 2012, 4:10 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I will be HER idea of perfect. Whatever I have to do or say or alter about who I am to fit her image of the perfect mate, I'll do. It will be the ultimat act of affection and love.


Some really serious problems with this plan:

1)You don't know what she considers perfect. You may make changes that inadvertently make you less attractive to her. Then it is likely that you will be very angry with her for not appreciating the enormous effort you put out on her behalf, scaring her away and embittering yourself. It's quite a risk given that you only know what she types, which is rather than different than knowing her.

2)If you succeed, you will be trapped. It's not an act you'll be able to keep up for long.

Both these points were brought up by other posters but I just wanted to re-iterate because they are so likely.

I think a safer strategy is not to get so emotionally invested in somebody you aren't even in a relationship with.



1000Knives
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23 Mar 2012, 4:25 pm

Your plan may work...for about a week.



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23 Mar 2012, 4:55 pm

Brian, I always said 'success or death by 30' as well. Well, here I am, five months away from turning 30, with no GF ever. So I might postpone that til 35 or so.

I know all too well the dangers of thinking that a girl who shows you the slightest friendliness or kindness is The One. It's happened to me again and again and again. Not saying don't pursue this one; just be careful, and take it slow. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which means it gets broken very easily. Don't rush this.

I know it may seem like time is running out for you, I know this very well, being nearly 30 myself. I wonder when I'll ever find somebody. Sometimes you have to wonder if she actually is the One, or if you're just acting out of desperation, and clinging to the slightest prospect.

Good luck, but be guarded, and don't fall head over heels too soon.