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"Friends with benefits" is nonsense.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Mar 2012, 1:07 pm

abyssquick wrote:
I think "friends with benefits" or "sex-buddies" is total hogwash as a concept. It's emotionally immature. Here's why.

Sex is one of the most emotionally charged of human activities - it's an emotional reality as old as time. Pretending it isn't, is not healthy emotionally. There is this whole "recreational sex"phenomenon happening with the advent of contraception, and partially from the whole "casual sex" attitude we now see on TV and in movies.

It's often one of those things that a guy persuades a girl into - sometimes making her think it's an OK idea - either by exploiting her desire not to be lonely, or her initial desire to be with him. Several women I know seem to have found themselves in such a 'relationship' not of their own accord - a crush turning into passive sex when the guy wants to keep his options open. Half the time it seems the guy is a proto-womanizing douchebag to boot - someone who will pretend to like a girl and maintain constant contact just to keep her warm to the idea. I've known known two women who found themselves with guys who became self-esteem vampires, just to keep these women around for sex. The women who participate, usually will regret it, especially when the guy sleeps with other people (which always happens).

It's also a term for "throw-away friend" - eventually one of the people in the 'benefits' scenario will meet someone different who they like, and who wants more. That new person will likely be turned off if you keep your previous "friend with benefits" around or in constant contact - this is why so many people in these scenarios won't remain friends in the end. You don't want to drag that kind of baggage into any new relationship. So, 'friend with benefits' is essentially a disposable person in your life.

It cheapens the meaning of the word "friend" because these relationships often become contingent on sustaining intercourse. Most people I know in these scenarios actually had little in common to begin with. This person is not a 'friend' in the true sense. They are a sexual companion. A friend is someone who respects you, who offers you emotional honesty, and who you can be vulnerable around. I don't think true friends can have emotionally disconnected sex.

People who do "friends with benefits" try to pass it off as a 'mature' sort of relationship. It isn't. It's emotionally empty., based purely on physical sensation. It desensitizes a person to the emotional significance of sexual contact.

That's my take on it. I don't know what else. It's just something I've been thinking.


Maybe there's some truth in what you're saying but here's my take on the issue:

It's certainly better than nothing.



Tequila
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23 Mar 2012, 1:40 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Maybe there's some truth in what you're saying but here's my take on the issue:

It's certainly better than nothing.


How you getting along with getting laid then? Is it tricky for you? I guarantee you you'd get lost of interest here, short arse or no short arse. :)



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Mar 2012, 1:46 pm

Tequila wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Maybe there's some truth in what you're saying but here's my take on the issue:

It's certainly better than nothing.


How you getting along with getting laid then? Is it tricky for you? I guarantee you you'd get lost of interest here, short arse or no short arse. :)


I had no experience to refer to, I am a blank state in those matters.



AScomposer13413
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23 Mar 2012, 2:19 pm

slovaksiren wrote:
Um, friends with benefits? Well, don't all friendships have benefits? Has anyone heard of the benefit of friendship?


I think you're thinking of two different things, slovaksiren. Anyone else on the forum can correct me, but the way I understand it, friends with benefits refers specifically to a relationship where there's more physical contact (i.e. kissing, sometimes sex), but there's very little or no emotional connection between both parties.



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23 Mar 2012, 2:35 pm

Nothing wrong with FWB, absolute great fun


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23 Mar 2012, 3:03 pm

Any relationship that involves lying and deceiving to obtain, whether about interest in personality, interest in relationship, wealth, accomplishments, "size", etc., I will NOT do. Which means I'm very unlikely to ever have a FWB because it seems like at least 9 times out of 10 you have to lie to obtain it.


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23 Mar 2012, 3:15 pm

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Last edited by Seashell on 26 Mar 2012, 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Who_Am_I
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23 Mar 2012, 4:39 pm

Quote:
Sex is one of the most emotionally charged of human activities - it's an emotional reality as old as time.


No. It's the feelings you have for the person you're sleeping with that make it emotionally charged. Without them, it's just another physical activity, albeit one that's a lot more fun than many others. Love and sex are two different things; it's only the fact that they go together so often that makes people get them confused.


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23 Mar 2012, 6:04 pm

no its not. for me its actually a perfect thing. im unable to handle an actual serious relationship for various reasons, but i wouldnt want to f**k someone i dont really like a lot either, because the person has to be interesting to me on a personal level in order to find them attractive. a friend is someone you like, trust and care about, although you're not in love with him or her or at least not willing or able to commit to. yes there might be quite a lot of "friends with benefits" whose relationship is purely superficial and only about the sex part or whose relationship becomes complicated because one of them is truly looking for something else than what they initially agreed on, but that hasnt to be the case for everyone. oh and the fact that its casual doesnt necessarily imply its unemotional.



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23 Mar 2012, 6:33 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
abyssquick wrote:
I think "friends with benefits" or "sex-buddies" is total hogwash as a concept. It's emotionally immature. Here's why.

Sex is one of the most emotionally charged of human activities - it's an emotional reality as old as time. Pretending it isn't, is not healthy emotionally. There is this whole "recreational sex"phenomenon happening with the advent of contraception, and partially from the whole "casual sex" attitude we now see on TV and in movies.

It's often one of those things that a guy persuades a girl into - sometimes making her think it's an OK idea - either by exploiting her desire not to be lonely, or her initial desire to be with him. Several women I know seem to have found themselves in such a 'relationship' not of their own accord - a crush turning into passive sex when the guy wants to keep his options open. Half the time it seems the guy is a proto-womanizing douchebag to boot - someone who will pretend to like a girl and maintain constant contact just to keep her warm to the idea. I've known known two women who found themselves with guys who became self-esteem vampires, just to keep these women around for sex. The women who participate, usually will regret it, especially when the guy sleeps with other people (which always happens).

It's also a term for "throw-away friend" - eventually one of the people in the 'benefits' scenario will meet someone different who they like, and who wants more. That new person will likely be turned off if you keep your previous "friend with benefits" around or in constant contact - this is why so many people in these scenarios won't remain friends in the end. You don't want to drag that kind of baggage into any new relationship. So, 'friend with benefits' is essentially a disposable person in your life.

It cheapens the meaning of the word "friend" because these relationships often become contingent on sustaining intercourse. Most people I know in these scenarios actually had little in common to begin with. This person is not a 'friend' in the true sense. They are a sexual companion. A friend is someone who respects you, who offers you emotional honesty, and who you can be vulnerable around. I don't think true friends can have emotionally disconnected sex.

People who do "friends with benefits" try to pass it off as a 'mature' sort of relationship. It isn't. It's emotionally empty., based purely on physical sensation. It desensitizes a person to the emotional significance of sexual contact.

That's my take on it. I don't know what else. It's just something I've been thinking.


Maybe there's some truth in what you're saying but here's my take on the issue:

It's certainly better than nothing.
this XD.

i miss having someone to mess around with, even if there was no connection there.

and if both people are ok with it, there really isnt any issue. its clearly not from everyone, but some people get the results they were looking for, with no or worthwhile drawbacks.



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24 Mar 2012, 4:38 am

Comp_Geek_573 wrote:
Any relationship that involves lying and deceiving to obtain, whether about interest in personality, interest in relationship, wealth, accomplishments, "size", etc., I will NOT do. Which means I'm very unlikely to ever have a FWB because it seems like at least 9 times out of 10 you have to lie to obtain it.


^ This.

Any relationship is a problem if it involves deception at another's expense. If all involved parties know what's going on and willingly roll with the changes, FWB doesn't automatically have to lead to a harmful or disfunctional relationship.



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24 Mar 2012, 4:55 am

Comp_Geek_573 wrote:
Any relationship that involves lying and deceiving to obtain, whether about interest in personality, interest in relationship, wealth, accomplishments, "size", etc., I will NOT do. Which means I'm very unlikely to ever have a FWB because it seems like at least 9 times out of 10 you have to lie to obtain it.


Make that 10 out of 10 times. I think every relationship involves some lies and deceit. "Does this make my butt look fat?" - "Would you still love me if I gained 300 pounds or sat in a wheelchair?" - "Are you really ok with my mother spending the weekend with us?" - "Are you even listening to me?" - "Do you really like my birthday gift?", and so on.

I mean, try being brutally honest in a relationship and see how long it lasts. "Honey, you're getting a little pudgy around the mid section, you might want to go on a diet." - "Yes, I stared at her butt. And yes, I do think that she looks better than you, but a girl like that would never settle for me. I know my limit, and you are it." - "You have really bad breath in the morning. I don't want to kiss you before you've brushed your teeth." - "I know that your mother can't stand me, and the feeling is mutual. I never want to see the ugly old hag again."

"I think your previous haircut looked better." - "I hate your friends. All of them. I think they're shallow and air-brained." - "I hate going shopping with you. This is the seventh goddamn pair of shoes that you've tried on, they all look the same to me, and I really couldn't care less what you wear on your feet." - "I really don't want to listen to you rambling on and on about your work problems. I'd rather watch TV now." People just don't say these things, unless they've been married for 10+ years and simply don't care anymore. Honesty is overrated, hurtful and destructive.



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24 Mar 2012, 6:15 am

CrazyCatLord wrote:
Comp_Geek_573 wrote:
Any relationship that involves lying and deceiving to obtain, whether about interest in personality, interest in relationship, wealth, accomplishments, "size", etc., I will NOT do. Which means I'm very unlikely to ever have a FWB because it seems like at least 9 times out of 10 you have to lie to obtain it.


Make that 10 out of 10 times. I think every relationship involves some lies and deceit. "Does this make my butt look fat?" - "Would you still love me if I gained 300 pounds or sat in a wheelchair?" - "Are you really ok with my mother spending the weekend with us?" - "Are you even listening to me?" - "Do you really like my birthday gift?", and so on.

I mean, try being brutally honest in a relationship and see how long it lasts. "Honey, you're getting a little pudgy around the mid section, you might want to go on a diet." - "Yes, I stared at her butt. And yes, I do think that she looks better than you, but a girl like that would never settle for me. I know my limit, and you are it." - "You have really bad breath in the morning. I don't want to kiss you before you've brushed your teeth." - "I know that your mother can't stand me, and the feeling is mutual. I never want to see the ugly old hag again."

"I think your previous haircut looked better." - "I hate your friends. All of them. I think they're shallow and air-brained." - "I hate going shopping with you. This is the seventh goddamn pair of shoes that you've tried on, they all look the same to me, and I really couldn't care less what you wear on your feet." - "I really don't want to listen to you rambling on and on about your work problems. I'd rather watch TV now." People just don't say these things, unless they've been married for 10+ years and simply don't care anymore. Honesty is overrated, hurtful and destructive.


The line between "deceit" and "playfulness" is to whom these questions/answers matter. You're closer than you realize with the "simply don't care anymore" part, but the bit that's still important is *why* they don't care anymore.



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24 Mar 2012, 10:30 am

abyssquick wrote:
I think "friends with benefits" or "sex-buddies" is total hogwash as a concept. It's emotionally immature. Here's why.

Sex is one of the most emotionally charged of human activities - it's an emotional reality as old as time. Pretending it isn't, is not healthy emotionally. There is this whole "recreational sex"phenomenon happening with the advent of contraception, and partially from the whole "casual sex" attitude we now see on TV and in movies.


You're wise beyond your years.



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24 Mar 2012, 11:32 am

<< Edit by Mummy_of_Peanut to remove quote (at poster's request) >>

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abyssquick
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24 Mar 2012, 1:03 pm

I don't see sex and emotions as separate. I think this break is recent phenomenon - a fracture that did not always exist. And I think it is unhealthy for the mind.

I think these things because generally I do not find a person attractive sexually unless I connect with them intellectually, and have lots of things in common. I won't feel compelled to sleep with them until I've known them for some time and feel that impelling pull to do so - and only if they feel it too. Sex, for me, involves a level of trust and depth of connection. I am in fact repelled by the thought of sex being anything less.

It's not a physical activity one does just for pleasure, it's an expression. There are few things in this world of real meaning which you can share with another person to show one's depth of care. I see one's sexual habits as a reflection of their level of self-respect. It's a "spiritual" thing for me, which I will not share without a connection. That's because of what it is tied to. You are as much defined by what you do, as by what you don't do. I see society right now as full of irresponsible, desensitizing, and fragmenting habits surrounding sex.

I mostly resent being considered sexually 'immature' due to this attitude I have, one which naturally results in less experience - it seems everyone around me has had more sexual experiences than I, and with more people - but I feel no desire to be this way.