Is not having friends a turn off?

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Yuzu
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03 Apr 2012, 2:06 pm

CrazyStarlightRedux wrote:
But as everyone knows on here (or should), people with Aspergers have a hard time maintaining friendship...so basing a potential date on how many friends they have is bad. What ever happened to quality over quantity?


I agree. I've lived at my current location for 13 years and I don't have anybody I can call a friend here but I have a few very close friends who live far away.

But I have to admit if one doesn't have absolutely no friends whatssoever I don't think I would consider dating.



mushroo
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03 Apr 2012, 2:08 pm

Yuzu wrote:
But I have to admit if one doesn't have absolutely no friends whatssoever I don't think I would consider dating.


Agreed.

Although part of that is my own social deficits; I like having a partner with friends so they can become my friends too. :)



Last edited by mushroo on 03 Apr 2012, 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hyperlexian
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03 Apr 2012, 2:12 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
yes, in my eyes it is absolutely a turn-off. i think that having at least one friend is a sign that a person has a healthy and well-balanced social life. if they can't maintain one friendship then i would suspect that they may have problems sustaining a romantic relationship.


I don't view the two as having any relationship- even if someone doesn't know how (or doesn't want!) to make friends,
they could still be very successful in relationships
.

My own relationships have usually been long-term, many for several years.
While at times I feel a twinge of loneliness, most of the time I'm simply not interested in friendship.

Also, my black and white thinking manifests, since I've never understood the point of them-
people you like..but...not well enough to date?
I've never been able to wrap my head around wanting to be with someone other than my romantic partner.
Even as a child, I didn't have friendships, just males I was enamored with.


I'm a relationship-oriented person. :)


I was gonna respond to your post, hyperlexian, but I think ValentineWiggin worded it much better (part in bold)! I'm pretty relationship oriented, too, and while having lots of friends might be a bonus, having a small amount shouldn't be frowned upon. It all depends on the other person, really. I think another user mentioned quality over quantity - I'd rather have a partner close with 2 people than someone who treats 10 like garbage!

i did say that ONE friend is acceptable. at no point did i state that a person should have a group of friends.


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hyperlexian
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03 Apr 2012, 2:12 pm

^^^i used to feel that way too. i was with my ex for 20 years, and for most of those years i didn't have friends. but when i was friendless it gave him a massive responsibility, which was not fair to him. even though people might not think they need friends for their own sake, it enriches a romantic relationship and keeps it in better balance.

people who have friendships are more likely to be healthier in both an emotional and a physical sense. friendships even help people to keep their relationships in perspective.

aspies often don't think friendships are necessary, but that's not a global viewpoint that takes multiple factors into account. it's uncomfortable for us to socialise, but NOT having friendships eliminates massive health benefits and romantic relationships do suffer as well.


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Zinnel
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03 Apr 2012, 2:21 pm

Having friends just helps with alot of things in life. But not everyone looks at it the same way.

for instance I have a friend who goes around telling guys shes interested in, that she has no "real friends" and that seems to make guys actualy pursue her even more.

At the same time most women react pretty negatively when they find out I'm not the shy guy stereotype, and that I actualy have alot of friends. I've also had women consider me "none datable" simply because they thought I had no friends(based on from what I looked like).


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MjrMajorMajor
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03 Apr 2012, 2:24 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
yes, in my eyes it is absolutely a turn-off. i think that having at least one friend is a sign that a person has a healthy and well-balanced social life. if they can't maintain one friendship then i would suspect that they may have problems sustaining a romantic relationship..


I never understood the mechanics of making friends, and I'm still learning. I do have a couple people I still keep in touch with from school days, but my friends were mostly people who would grab my hand and say "we're friends" which was fine with me. Anything more complicated than that, and I was flailing in the dark.
My social life didn't really revolve around my husband completely though, I was content to take off on my own when I felt like it. Now I find myself with way too much time on my hands, and looking for different types of companionship. In light of this, I don't judge anyone just on how many friends they have- I look at other merits.



AScomposer13413
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03 Apr 2012, 2:53 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
AScomposer13413 wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
yes, in my eyes it is absolutely a turn-off. i think that having at least one friend is a sign that a person has a healthy and well-balanced social life. if they can't maintain one friendship then i would suspect that they may have problems sustaining a romantic relationship.


I don't view the two as having any relationship- even if someone doesn't know how (or doesn't want!) to make friends,
they could still be very successful in relationships
.

My own relationships have usually been long-term, many for several years.
While at times I feel a twinge of loneliness, most of the time I'm simply not interested in friendship.

Also, my black and white thinking manifests, since I've never understood the point of them-
people you like..but...not well enough to date?
I've never been able to wrap my head around wanting to be with someone other than my romantic partner.
Even as a child, I didn't have friendships, just males I was enamored with.


I'm a relationship-oriented person. :)


I was gonna respond to your post, hyperlexian, but I think ValentineWiggin worded it much better (part in bold)! I'm pretty relationship oriented, too, and while having lots of friends might be a bonus, having a small amount shouldn't be frowned upon. It all depends on the other person, really. I think another user mentioned quality over quantity - I'd rather have a partner close with 2 people than someone who treats 10 like garbage!

i did say that ONE friend is acceptable. at no point did i state that a person should have a group of friends.


Ah, fair enough! My apologies!!



hyperlexian
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03 Apr 2012, 2:57 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
AScomposer13413 wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
yes, in my eyes it is absolutely a turn-off. i think that having at least one friend is a sign that a person has a healthy and well-balanced social life. if they can't maintain one friendship then i would suspect that they may have problems sustaining a romantic relationship.


I don't view the two as having any relationship- even if someone doesn't know how (or doesn't want!) to make friends,
they could still be very successful in relationships
.

My own relationships have usually been long-term, many for several years.
While at times I feel a twinge of loneliness, most of the time I'm simply not interested in friendship.

Also, my black and white thinking manifests, since I've never understood the point of them-
people you like..but...not well enough to date?
I've never been able to wrap my head around wanting to be with someone other than my romantic partner.
Even as a child, I didn't have friendships, just males I was enamored with.


I'm a relationship-oriented person. :)


I was gonna respond to your post, hyperlexian, but I think ValentineWiggin worded it much better (part in bold)! I'm pretty relationship oriented, too, and while having lots of friends might be a bonus, having a small amount shouldn't be frowned upon. It all depends on the other person, really. I think another user mentioned quality over quantity - I'd rather have a partner close with 2 people than someone who treats 10 like garbage!

i did say that ONE friend is acceptable. at no point did i state that a person should have a group of friends.


Ah, fair enough! My apologies!!

hahaha it's ok. i just realised i sounded mad, sorry about that. i just wanted to clarify because i don't think a high volume of friends is necessary.


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AScomposer13413
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03 Apr 2012, 3:18 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
^^^i used to feel that way too. i was with my ex for 20 years, and for most of those years i didn't have friends. but when i was friendless it gave him a massive responsibility, which was not fair to him. even though people might not think they need friends for their own sake, it enriches a romantic relationship and keeps it in better balance.

people who have friendships are more likely to be healthier in both an emotional and a physical sense. friendships even help people to keep their relationships in perspective.

aspies often don't think friendships are necessary, but that's not a global viewpoint that takes multiple factors into account. it's uncomfortable for us to socialise, but NOT having friendships eliminates massive health benefits and romantic relationships do suffer as well.


This kinda puts me back to a few years ago where it was the first time I felt I had gotten close to a relationship. One thing that pushed me to the point of near-shutdown and eventual fallout was that she was always talking with me. She had friends, but none of the bonds were as strong as the one she had with me (or so I remember her telling me). So I guess I do have one example to bolster your point. The misunderstanding was that I thought you were referring to those with less friends (but still having some) as opposed to none at all. Again, sorry for the little squabble :?



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03 Apr 2012, 4:24 pm

Yeah for most people it is a turnoff. For me, I dont care if the person just has a few friends versus having absolutely 0 friends. If the person has 0 friends, there's likely to be something wrong. Most of the time, even people who are very solitary at least have a few. Whereas other NTs, if the person doesnt have decent social life then it can often be a turn off. But then if it is: you probably wouldnt want to be with that person anyways.



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03 Apr 2012, 4:37 pm

It seems counter-intuitive that socialization would have health benefits for people who don't enjoy it, let alone despise it.
I'm wondering if such studies made any attempt to differentiate between introverts and extroverts.
My relationships, when I've been in them, have certainly never suffered for my lack of friends-
half the time, I was with someone who was friendless, himself.
"Birds of a feather..."

It's just the dating process, and the hyper-social nature of many people that makes them treat people with no friends like freaks, which suck.


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03 Apr 2012, 6:43 pm

It's not a turn off for me the last girl I dated for nine mouths didn't have many friends but I don't judge a potenial boyfriend or girlfriend based on the friends they do or don't have.



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03 Apr 2012, 8:00 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
I'm wondering if such studies made any attempt to differentiate between introverts and extroverts.


I would be very interested to see such a study :chin: , although I have found that often people who claim to be introverted usualy are not and so I'm sure that might skew the study a bit


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03 Apr 2012, 8:45 pm

VW, those people would be captured in the studies already, since friendless extraverts and sociable introverts (presumably both suitably miserable) would not be excluded from the study.


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03 Apr 2012, 9:04 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
VW, those people would be captured in the studies already, since friendless extraverts and sociable introverts (presumably both suitably miserable) would not be excluded from the study.


I think shes asking wether or not someone has done a study to see if there was a difference. We all know there isnt a single study done that is 100% one way or the other. So lets say a study was done to see if having friends is best for a healthy life. The study comes back with 90% of the people showing being healthier with friends and 10% showed no change or were in fact less healthy than before.

I think It would be interesting to see if more introverted people were the ones that made up that 10% and maybe the 90% was mostly extraverted people. I don't know but so far I have yet to hear of a study that went so far to break up the extraverted and introverted people to find this out.


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03 Apr 2012, 10:14 pm

i guess it would depend on the number of people of each extreme who were included. but i didn't see any disclaimers like, "positive health benefits from friendship were enjoyed by all subjects except the introverts". they'd pretty much NEED a disclaimer because it would be a noticeable division.


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