Irritated about always being told to "be myself"

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I also used to be annoyed with this advice until I finally realized what they really meant and that it really does boil down to "Be Yourself." But how do you "be yourself?" You have to relax and just be at ease in interactions. So how do you do this? Start being confident with who you are and don't give one s**t about being liked. And how do you do this? Determine who you want to be and what you want your life to be and start planning and educating yourself on how to get where you want to be.

Now dont get me wrong, it takes time. It took me two years from when I decided Im sick of my life and started changing. But it was a choppy two years as far as effort went. So with more concentrated effort it could be much shorter.

It really comes down to being yourself (not just in dating either). Because why would you want to attract people who don't like you for you anyway right? For the guys out there, remember one thing, women are great bulls**t detectors so be authentic, be real. Dont act any different around them as you would others. Now you do have to educate yourself also, and filter out what doesnt work for you and blend it with the real you.

So my advice is this WORK ON YOURSELF! And EVERYTHING (professional, personal, dating, etc) will fall into place. Once I started having the attitude "I'm going to just be myself and the world be damned if it does not like me" things started happening magically. If anyone needs guidance, please pm me. I am very proud of myself for the person I've become and becoming and I am looking to pay it forward.

Oh and one quick thing, aspie or not, no one wants to sit in a corner alone. We are all human and all humans need to express themselves, feel appreciated, and need a sense of belonging. If you think you dont need any of that, its a defense mechanism you have wired into your mind. Obviously different people need different levels of all that but nonetheless we all need it, aspie or not.

It's the worst possible advice. Even my secret greatest enemy, whoever that may be, shouldn't be punished with that rotten, overused and completely false advice.
Being yourself is good if 'yourself' is dominant, wealthy and attractive. If you aren't every one of those at least moderately, change yourself. It might sound harsh, but 'being yourself' means defaulting on normatively correct behaviour and appearance. Even more so than men (possibly because women have a choice, sex ratio-wise), women are attracted to those who fit role models.

I wouldn't go that for. I belief you are in the top 70% of attractive men, then you can be yourself. Nearly everyone in my office is married or in a decent relationship. For most NTs, finding love isn't about how great you can become(money looks ..etc), but finding someone compatible. Unfortunately most NTs believe this is the case for everyone.

no, women are not looking for role models. and men and women have the same levels of choice when looking for mates, so i am not sure where you are going with that.

have you actually tried... being yourself (while also asking someone out)?

I am sure that he start off being himself. Nobody want to change, to and settle with less compatible people. But many geeks have been single for a long time and know what to expect as a single person in future. All this, 'have a healthy attitude' isn't working for many aspies. Meaning trying to have an attitude of a normal NT is not going to work.

If someone had someone with a fever( temperature) would you put him into cold water until his body temperature gets back to normal.

Hello NLDblacksmith

First off you pointed out an area that you feel you need to work on in the social skills department. Boxman108 pointed out that learning by observation might help, I agree that will also learning by doing plus give it a go don't be afraid to make mistakes; our errors are a good teacher, so please enjoy failure & use it to help you improve your skills. Role playing some the situations your worried about will help to boost your confidence while getting some practice in plus reduce your anxieties about those situations.

The saying "be yourself" is a vague adage and at times it came be used as an excuse from giving detailed advice. When I hear that saying I get philosophical about the identity of ones own self and self image. How can one "be yourself" when one has no or poor understand of ones own self? I say to that go out to look, find, search and discover your own identity and the true you!

Aspie_Chav, we don't actually know what the OP has tried yet. ''be yourself'' can mean a lot of different things, but people often say it to those individuals who are getting extremely nervous and not acting naturally (like they would normally behave).

I disagree. Some people, with more severe Autistic disorders than you or I lack a desire for human companionship, or that desire is so completely masked by anxieties that they aren't even aware of it's existence. It seems very likely to me that more sever autism could cause a profound enough change in someone's brain to make them not desire or need human contact.

Obviously ''sitting quietly and making the wrong types of reactions'' is not going to get you a girlfriend.However, what you consider ''the wrong types of reactions'' may actually be the right ones if the girl is meant for you .Try and recognize your limitations and work around them .I am not sure monitoring closely everything that you say is the solution but sitting quietly will not attract a woman .Try and place yourself in settings that will allow you to interact comfortably ,avoid loud places like bars.

With the most severe cases, yeah I would agree. But I think most aspies its like you said "that desire is so completely masked by anxieties that they aren't even aware of it's existence."
Its masked but its still there. I know because I have been there. In the depths of my aspie induced depression I thought I didnt need or want companionship. But once I started working on myself and started accepting and liking myself, I started craving companionship. And of course I understand we all need different levels of human companionship, what Im trying to say is that its not healthy to deny it COMPLETELY.

I think being yourself simply means being genuine.

OP, I would strongly suggest researching PUA theory. If you want me to elaborate PM me.

What I've always taken "be yourself" to mean is: don't be an actor. It runs counter to the saying "fake it til you make it" but there are different goals involved. "Be yourself" is for people looking for a relationship. The logic behind it is that, compatibility is no more likely than with any random person when the personality expressed was untrue. You're not always going to be able to keep that front up, and it wouldn't be very much fun to try to for very long.

"Fake it til you make it" is for people looking for something casual, because the person's true personality isn't as important in this case, the only thing that matters is succesfully hooking up. Long-term compatibility is not an issue.

As far as meeting women, well, I'm not the best person to ask, but what's always worked for me is just being casual. Instead of setting out with the purpose of finding a girlfriend, you just talk to women casually, even ones you don't think you're interested in. Put the goal of finding someone out of your head, or at least, take it out of the driver's seat and put it in the backseat, and everything becomes easier (not necessarily easy, but easier).

Exposure tactic, meet as many woman and eventually find someone compatible. I recommend give it a try especially if you are young. But the logic is flawed. I am 39, a friend of mine is 38. Thats 40+ years between us that contains no long term relationship . Surely we have met more women then your average NT teenager.

Fake it to you make it is probably better. You most probably become the person you are trying to fake. Its not ideal but better then nothing. There is nothing wrong with keeping an eye out for that compatible woman (most likely another aspie), which in my experience is very rear.

I like what you have said bruinsy33. I would use it for any woman you think your reaction is wrong. I wish that I could have thought of that when I met Shreks shorter less attractive sister on a dating agency.

i think one of the most important things to learn about dating, and 'dealings' with the opposite sex is:

if they are not interested in you, being interested in them is not only POINTLESS, it is also UNPRODUCTIVE, and a general gross miss-alocation of your time and resources.

when someone says 'be yourself' they often mean just that. if you act like someone other than you, when someone falls for that other someone, eventually they'll learn that you are different than who they thought you were, and they might not be so attracted to your REAL self. if you act as if you normally would, when someone likes you it will be genuine, not fake.

also: do NOT be overzealous. if you constantly call girls, they will be less attracted to you. the 'chase' is of massive importance. if you get a girls number, wait for at least 4 days to call her! DONT TEXT AT ALL! its impersonal, and it goes against the concept of 'the chase'. you have to be a bit distant so they will wonder what you could possibly be doing other than talking to them, or something along those lines.

if you go on a date, kiss at the end. not kissing a girl, in my opinion, gives her the impression that you arent confident, which is a huge no-no with dating. confidence is the key to success. if you seem wishy-washy, or unsure, or lacking in 'drive', it turns girls off very fast.