Gosh, If Only I Had Known About His AS, Maybe...

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These are good points, if I look back at my posts I am sure I am guilty of this too. I have to agree re the comments with regard to discussing previous relationships, some people would object to discussing their past in this way, this doesn't mean they are NT or Aspie - it is down to the individual. It is important to understand that relationships break down very often due to poor communication all the time, it doesn't matter where you are on the spectrum.

I agree that sometimes you have to walk away. I guess all my story tells you is that maybe sometime in the future you might both be ready to start again. If I hadn't given my relationship that one more chance I wouldn't be with my partner today.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Too blunt? Sorry if it offended...I really wanted to give the guy and his feelings some importance, as it seemed to be lacking...if only in my perception. It seemed to me that the cause of his distress and subsequent disengagement from a relationship was clear. If you can take some good from what I said OP, please do so. And please forgive me if I have distressed you (or give me a piece of your mind of you wish...my bark is far worse than my bite...which is blunt )

The problem was that he would not give me any insight into his feelings whatsoever.

Far from wanting to pressure him, I just felt in the dark about what he felt, if anything. At one point, I implored him to tell me whether he felt like I was a girlfriend, a friend, or what?

During our breakup conversation, he even said, " I know I don;t show emotions, but this is just as hard for me."

That's when I started putting things together: The total lack of eye contact over 2 yrs, the shoulder tics, need to jump out of bed in the morning to go home and start things I didn't realize were so important or time sensitive (laundry, grocery, watch 6 hours of movies, etc). When you don;t know a person has AS, behaviors like this, and what appears to be them ignoring you, wandering off mid-date without you, not returning calls and texts, monologuing through conversations and not so much as asking about your day, wanting to be with you but recoiling from physical contact, alternately cuddling one night and then going stiffly to the opposite end of the bed minutes later, etc... is confusing as hell.

When things reach a head, and the cumulative reality is revealed that AS is a probable explanation for the very behaviors which were sending seemingly contradictory signals about how someone feels about you--- suddenly you want to TRY and get mutual understanding about it all. Once you know about AS, you realize that those old triggers for your insecurity didn't need to be so severe.

So-- basically, I never "tore him apart" for his different views on things, since he was never able to articulate them. I merely asked him questions to try and get a feel for what his views might be.

Not really, what I meant was more like too unforgiving. I don't think she set out to knock him down, just that his mind didn't work the way she expected, and she couldn't handle it. It's like a five year old child opening a jack in the box, and instead of a funny brightly coloured clown, a monstrous hairy spider comes out. This is exactly the problem my flatmates had with me just before easter - they couldn't understand why all the social rules and tricks they had come to rely on didn't work with me, and they felt unvalidated and socially violated.

I ran into a friend/colleague of his last night.

He is usually the type of guy who goes home on nights off when we didnt have plans. Apparently, he has been showing up at the bar and drinking alone. According the the friend he is really "tossing them back"-- which says a lot since they are both bar employees and drink regularly...

I am worried about him.

We will likely be at two of the same events this week. I am scared to see him, won't know what to say... help!

The more you talk about this fellow, the more I relate to him. Seems much like me in some ways.

But I don't know what you should say. If I met my female opposite I don't imagine either of us would have any idea what to do. If we had feelings for each other it would be very painful, I think.

You sound like a really wonderful person.

All I know is that I care about him.

Now, I see all the effort he made in light of his challenges. While these things would be no big deal for an NT- I can see that it required real effort on his part and conscious intention to give up so much of his time, to TRY, and get me little gifts once every blue moon, and sometimes attempt to call me, to take time out of his day to send me an email. Having the correct context now makes me so appreciative and humbled.

I also think about how we would talk, and if I would say something, he just wouldn't respond and would change the subject as though I hadn't said anything at all. At the time, it would sting, but sometimes, months later, he would reference it. It was as thought he took in things I said, but didn't actually process it until he went home or something. When he would make those references to things I said months and months later, I would be shocked at my own relief(?) or the feeling of validation it gave me to know he had heard, and has kept me on his mind when we are apart.

I don't know if this drinking is due to general depression, or sadness over the break up. But I have one worry that the sense of self-recrimination I heard in his voice at the time of his breakup may lead him to be down on himself.

I just want him to be happy. I alternate between thinking I would be ecstatic to be together in a nontraditional form, always apart, but somehow spiritually partnered in the sense that we could depend on each other in a pinch and just enjoy concentrated doses of alternating independence and togetherness,,,, and thinking, ok, if he's happiest on his own or too afraid I want to encroach on his freedom, I don't want to cause him stress.

Whatever happens or doesn't is in his hands. I love him madly. My door is open. But if he has closed his door to me, what can I do?