Getting the right mindset : Developing Assertiveness

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Maybe you're disqualifying the positive and fixating on negative aspects or memories? Maybe you did have positive events but you are magnifying your failures so much that they define you instead of viewing them as stepping stones to something better?

nope. I can go back to 3rd grade with stories of being teased and picked on by girls if you want. 'Them egging on the guys to the point the guys notice i existed and the picked on me. Or how about middle school, that one i started and finished in two different coutries. The first half was again more teasing and crap the latter half back to being unknown. high school done in two different parts. first half everyone knew me as i had tried my hardest to get over being the unknown loser i was the previous year. It helped being one of 5 hispanics people in school. I tried using this as an advantage but it only made people in general not forget i existed. Maybe if i had lived there longer i could have turned one of my few female friends into something more but that didnt happen. The last 3 of highschool were more of the being invisible and being picked on. i no longer had a reason to be known. Had maybe 2-4 people close to being friends but no actual friends. girls would only bother with me to gain something out of me. Hell I even have heard from a couple of them the things they do to get males to do as they want. College, back to 100% invisible. out of 2 years there was 1 person who i talked to daily before class and it happened to be a girl. I was hoping at minimum to try and be friends but when that class ended and we had our final she left early and i didnt have a chance to get a number/facebook/etc. next time i saw her back to being invisible.

And that story doesnt contain full details, just the major ones, '''i cant count how many women ive approached all over the world and failed at it.

Where's the line between being assertive and being an ass?

cant say assertive without ass. but in reality its more of being a dick than an ass

Yeah you should have a certain level of assertiveness, going over that is considered aggressive assertiveness.
It's using the assertiveness in the right times with the right words.
For example asking a person for something with a little assertiveness would work, however doing so with too much will look threatening.

Great post. Personally, through time and effort I went from A to B, for the better. I still have some assertiveness issues, but at least I'm aware of them and actively trying to get over them.
I still feel a bit guilty on the inside when I deny something to someone, but at least I can now resist it and hold my ground if I truly believe it's an unreasonable request.

It's a cold world and you need to have an assertive and tough mindset, you know that. Call it what you will, the reason you label it negatively is because it brings change to your current nice guy act. Being assertive and understanding towards yourself and taking the initiative instead of being negative towards yourself is seen as bad? I can't see how that works but if you want to play the victim mindset, it's your choice, you can either take control or let the past and your thoughts determine and define you.

It's a cold world and bullying happens to many people, social hierarchies can be predatory and of course they can pick on those they have an advantage over, it's like a pecking order but you need to realize that the period of your life you are stating is in the past. That period of time in your life doesn't have to define who you are or determine your future success. Not everyone is selfish, not everyone only cares about what they want, there are selfless people but they are more difficult to find.

We aren't exactly faced with the best odds, that's why we need to take the advantage and having an assertive mindset is just another way to help yourself instead of letting something in your past or letting our failure define us. Have you analysed these approaches? tried different ones? Assertive thinking can help towards developing a rational thought pattern and confident body language, some people can pick up on defeatist body language and that is a result of being a negative thinker. Have you exhausted every single option? Here's a quote that I think might apply in this case.

"If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

First off define this "assertiveness" yous speak of. Because under my definition of it i am relatively assertive. . Second, "brings change to your current nice guy act"? First off who says its an act? Anybody thats nice and caring for others has to be acting, no? Or maybe i pretend to be nice to hide something. Its completely impossible that my parents had brought me up with having respect for others and treating people justly. Thirdly, the only thing ive not done regarding approaching people is following a PUA school of thought. Whatever one it is as theres more than one. Fourthly, i dont go with the thought of my past around. as my story involved ive reinvented myself many times from a clean slate. But guess what, after enough time i usually come to notice a dejavu moment when everything is repeating itself.

I take my own sense of the difference from how I perceive the way others treat me, and start from there. I'd say the difference is respect.

And, I figure everyone has a right to make mistakes. We're human. But I never defend a mistake. If I've clearly crossed a line, I take responsibility for it and I try not to make excuses, I apologize and I become humble and just generally back off, letting them take the initiative. I allow them to berate me (if they choose - but they usually don't), without resistance, to a reasonable point. If they cross that point, I apologize again and physically leave.

The strange thing about mistakes is, if I handle a mistake well, often I find they respect me more than they did before I made it. I've had a lot of practice making mistakes, so I've kind of got this part down to a science. It's not easy to get practice making mistakes, and as a result, most people aren't very good at it, relatively speaking. Most of my social skills are mediocre or poor, but this one - not many people fail to be impressed, I'm an ace!!

I think you can be assertive and still be nice. Assertiveness doesn't have to be rude or uncalled for. It's simply the opposite of being passive.

Assertiveness is the ability to come to a rational and logical conclusion on a situation instead of letting your emotions get the better side of you. I'm sure to an extent. someone can internally be a delusional optimist and a negative realist only to receive the same results, I think being assertive means the will to develop a healthier thought process so that when you are approached with these situations, you will have a better understanding of being able to handle them. It doesn't mean you will go out and pick up ten girls instantly or that external changes will take place overnight, it just means you'll have the right mindset to deal with situations that can potentially ruin relationships or chances.

Respect is a mutual concept and other people will not play by those same rules of honour, you are already aware of that. I've noticed being on the spectrum, we have a strong inclination to naivety and a sense of justice and that's why being assertive can also help in this aspect.

Ok, so what i get from here is that your definition of assertiveness is not mine. What you're describing is exactly what my thought pattern is. Just so happens that after a couple thousand negative events you start to wonder and fall onto this logical conclusion that maybe the problem isnt the others but yourself.