In the end, not that much of a deal
22 Apr 2012, 8:16 pm
Roxas_XIII wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Roxas_XIII wrote:
I take a moment for all my hopelessness and despair to sink in, and then I start yelling at the top of my lungs in the middle of the university residential complex, looking up at the sky, basically asking God what the hell his problem was, why He couldn't let me have ONE DECENT RELATIONSHIP without bad sh** happening all the time, and that I didn't care if I was going to hell for saying it, but that I thought He was a sad, sadistic f**** that got off from seeing other people miserable.
The issue here is, your perspective.
Let us recap.
1. You wanted to have a date with your girlfriend.
2. She couldn't meet you because she has a lot of homework and assignments to do.
3. You wanted her to watch a meteor shower with you.
4. She told you rather unexpectedly that she could make it after all.
5. Shortly there after, she tells you that she broke her glasses and can't come.
6. You tell her you want to come over and help her fix them.
7. She expressed to you that she wishes to be left alone concerning this matter.
8. You challenge this.
9. She strikes you down and hangs up.
10. You take your frustrations out on the universe.
But here are the undertones that you likely missed.
2. She would like to meet you but she has a lot riding on these assignments she has to turn in, and is stressed about it.
4. Despite the work she has to do and the fact that she's stressed out about it, the prospect of having had turned you down stresses her as well, so she attempts to facilitate a meeting, either by working faster, or, making an academic sacrifice.
5. She either actually does break her glasses as she hurries to meet you, or she realizes she doesn't have the time to meet you after all, and makes up a story. Either way, she tells you she can't meet you.
6. You offer to go to her place to fix her glasses, under the pretense of wanting to help her. However, you actually want to see her more than you want to help her.
7. She rejects this offer either because she decides she's too tired and stressed, or because she didn't actually break them. Either way, she doesn't wish to see you. It's not a good time for her.
8. Here is where you exhibit the disconnect which is a potential problem in the relationship. Rather than listening to her and understanding her needs, you pursued your own agenda. In your mind, when she indicated she had a problem (broken glasses), you likely envisioned that it was the right thing to do to go over there and help her fix them. But let us taker a closer look at the concept of helping someone. To help someone is to attend to them in some way which will make their life easier. But you need to factor in the willingness of the person to be helped in this situation. If you attempt to extent help to a person who does not wish to be helped, or helped in that way, in many situations, you are not helping. You are making their lives more difficult. Her priority at this moment was not to get her glasses fixed. It was to either finish her assignment or go to bed, and you failed to recognize this because you were likely fixated on the prospect of seeing her, and/or helping her fix her glasses.
In other words, you were looking at the exchange from an egocentric standpoint and were fixated on how it affected you. I'm not trying to imply that you were intentionally inconsiderate. You were not, but you were inconsiderate in that you did fail to consider her perspective in the matter, and now you are lamenting about how it didn't work out for you.
The good news is, this event will likely not stand out to her as anything to dwell on, and you shouldn't dwell on it either. She couldn't meet up with you, it's not a big deal. Let it go.
I'd be inclined to believe you if it weren't for the fact that she ACTUALLY broke her glasses.
If you re-read my post, you will see that I was simply presenting the scenario that she might not have as one of two scenarios to consider.
Roxas_XIII wrote:
One of the reasons my relationship with this girl has worked out thus far, given my lack of understanding relationships despite having more experience with them than she does, is that she is a very honest person. If I do something she doesn't like, she will let me know straight up, and she doesn't care whether or not it hurts my feelings because it needs to be said and if I don't like it that's my deal. Ordinarily this would be a good way to murder a potential relationship, but for us it works because I don't HAVE to read her, she will read herself for me. It's like reading the Cliff Notes for a Shakespeare play as opposed to reading the script itself.
Very good.
23 Apr 2012, 7:10 am
Roxas_XIII wrote:
[deleted due to irrelevancy and my humiliation at making a big deal out of nothing and not thinking before I type.]
Don't be hard on yourself, you needed help because of how you were feeling.
There is no need to feel ashamed.
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24 Apr 2012, 2:26 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
Roxas_XIII wrote:
[deleted due to irrelevancy and my humiliation at making a big deal out of nothing and not thinking before I type.]
Don't feel bad about it. When the heart is involved everything can seem like life or death. The important thing is that you DID regain your perspective and you have learned things that will help you in the future.
It is totally normal to react to the things happening in your life, and none of us are always proud of those reactions.
Reading your later post in this thread made me smile. It sounds like you have something real with this woman. Whether or not it will stick I can't say, no one can, yet, but it is fun to hear you talk about your girlfriend and your mom.
Heheh, thanks. Well, anyways they're fixing her glasses for her and in the meantime she'll be wearing her spare frames. It's a different prescription so she only keeps them as a backup. I met her today at lunch, she always sits by the window in the NW corner of the resident cafeteria, and there's a ledge I can reach if I do a wallrun off the nearby stairwell, so if I know she's at lunch I can jump up there and surprise her. I'm kind of a parkour nut and she laughs at it, she'll tell me she's waiting for the day I bail and bust myself up. I'm sure she'd be concerned if I did, although I doubt she'd have any sympathy for me unless it was life-threatening, seeing as I did it to myself.
That said, barely got any sleep last night and was worn out all day today. Plus Mom kept bitching about my driving skills while I was driving to class. She calls me at about a quarter to noon to ask me to come pick her up from the building on the other side of campus, and when I get there she's complaining about how long she had to stand there. I kind of bitched her out at this point because I thought it was unfair, seeing as I had to contend with f*****g idiots who either don't know how to drive or can't wait for the walk signal to cross the street. I told her that I made my way over there as fast as possible, that I was still having issues with the traffic and the morons that compose 90% of the traffic, and that it probably seemed like longer because she was standing on her hurt leg. Well, she kind of stopped after I told her that. Honestly, I don't mind helping her out but I'd at least like a little gratitude in return, because I have to drop everything I'm doing to make sure she gets to class. She can't drive herself and my dad works until 5 PM, I'm the only other household member who has a driver's license.
Still, hopefully things will work out in the end. I'm thinking about trying to squeeze her for some spending money this weekend since I'm helping her out all this week. My crew invited me to go to Fort Collins with them. They invited Trish (my GF, her full name is Patrica) as well, but she flatly refused, saying she had to study for finals. If she's not going I dunno if I will either. Also, my grandparents will be in town this weekend, even if Mom isn't out of the crutches by then they might be able to help with transportation. Plus I want them to meet Trish, I think they'll like her.
Unfortunately between finals and packing for the summer I'm going to have pretty much zero time to spend with her over the course of the next week. Her last final is Friday, and she has to vacate the dorm by Saturday afternoon. She says she'll be packing then so she doesn't have any time to spare, but that she was planning on going to dinner with her mother and one of her friends from back home that evening, and that I was welcome to come along. I'm hoping that I'll get a bite on one of the job applications I've been sending out this month, so I can start saving up for a car, I want to get a cheap used one by the end of June so I can visit Trish for Tanabata (She's an International Studies major with an emphasis on east Asian cultures, and since we're both otaku we decided to celebrate it together since it's pretty much the end-all be-all of couples holidays in Japan. Plus she lives out in the middle of nowhere and her ranch has some awesome vistas for stargazing, which would fit the theme nicely).
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24 Apr 2012, 12:13 pm
There you go then.
Give her that time for her studies and the Saturday except the meal she invited you too and you might get Funday Sunday. 
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Sora: "My friends are my power."
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