Date For Prom

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I may sound very harsh here but I don't know how else to say this except bluntly.
Going to the prom is a fantasy for him. He's imagining an inner world where he has a girlfriend & he goes to prom & everything is perfect for him but in reality he's too shy to even sit next to another girl at lunch. He's not listening to your suggestions or even trying at all because he believes having a girlfriend to go with him & having a good time there is impossible for him. I think this is one of those situations where a parent cant do much for their kid except just be there for em

I couldn't agree more with the last 4 comments. I know he's putting all his anger about our divorce into needing to have a girlfriend and a date to the prom. We've told him all of the things you've suggested. He needs to be happy within himself; girls aren't attracted to sad puppies. Also, he needs to learn how to make real friends first, then move on to dating. But he has become fixated on all of this. It has to happen now, according to him.

I learned yesterday from a friend of a friend that the prom is now not considered a date thing, but that everyone is encouraged to go. So now he just needs to ask a male friend if he can sit with his group at the dinner. He has a couple of guys who have extended a hand in friendship.

All of this may be too much for him. And I now think, having listened to everyone, that we need to work through the anger. His father, therapist and I all know the realities here. I guess that yesterday I was really wishing I could fix everything for him. Moms are like that.

The good news in all of this is that he's realizing that he needs to learn to be social and learn the "rules" so that he can have friends and then girlfriends. I know that, for him, he'll live a happier life.

The other good news is that there is an all-night party the evening after graduation. They have tons of things to do, so it's not a dance. This is the school's effort to stop kids from going to drinking parties. Because almost everyone (so I was told yesterday) goes to it, you don't need a date. Spencer really liked this idea and didn't say anything about the prom.

Thanks to everyone who answered my request for help. You've given me really great insight. And I appreciate how much you care and your thoughtful answers. Really, I can't thank you enough.

that is an elitist perspective from a nation that is still socially stratified to a degree we do not see in North America. you have your own special ways of being shallow and tacky (chavs, royalty, etc)

I didn't go to my high school prom. Proms are the worst popularity contests there are for aspies.

Hello Jennifer54

We talked on your other thread about this subject in the parenting forum.

Couldnt stop myself from butting in again.

I was much like your son- number of male friends in HS: between zero and one, number of girl friends: always zero.

Things go in cycles I guess.


At prom time my parents said "I guess youll have to stand in the stag line" ( so I guess you could go with out date in their day), but I said that you had to have a date (which was as out of the question for me as it was for your son)and basically just forgot about the whole thing.

But apparently today its now okay to go without date again in this generation.

So apparently he can go even without a date.
But for some reason he feels he has to have a date.

I might have gone if I hadnt needed a date.
But I didnt, and I survived.

I dont own a highschool yearbook either. Wasnt worth the hassle for me to get one.

What puzzles me is that HS was apparently as crappy and meaningless for your son as it was for me. For that very reason I dont have any nostalgia for it. The equivalent sorts of milestones happened to me later in life. Precisely because I was so much like your son Im puzzled as to why he finds this so important.

The more I think about it- your son is kinda like a lady I saw on Dr. Phil who booked everything for a wedding reception for herself (venue, caterer, dj), and just needed one last thing- to find a groom!

Its kinda ass-backward.

I can relate to the Dr Phil thing. I had no date for the prom, but was determined to go. So I bought tickets and a dress. Then I scouted for a date and found a guy on my gymnastics team (a junior) who wanted to go because it was cool when you're not a senior. He was actually cute, so I lucked out. I had a lot of fun. Once I got there, it didn't really matter who your date was, and this was back in 1975.

The date to the prom thing is not as important as the girlfriend thing. There's an all night party,which seems to fit the bill for him more than the prom (he just found out about it). I guess he snores through all the announcements - even though he's in the TV production class that makes them!

The girlfriend thing has 3 components. 1. In his mind, someone he can confine in about our divorce, 2. Sex, 3. Sex

I haven't heard anything about it since he's been at my house from this past Sunday. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he really just wanted to be heard. We came up with all kinds of suggestions for him to being to find male friends first. In other words, to learn how to be social. Girlfriends come later. You have to learn how to be a friend before jumping into the girlfriend thing (as we all know).

He has't taken us up on any of our suggestions, like eating lunch at school. Maybe he's gotten the point that to have friends you have to put some effort into it and learn the rules. I'd like him to have the friends he wants and from that desire springs some effort.

When you get to college you get to reinvent yourself and leave whatever box you were put into behind you. I'd like to point out that Spencer hasn't been bullied. But he's not in the norm that's so important in high school. He is going to Landmark, a small college for students with learning disabilities. He'll be like everyone else pretty much.

As for me, I was stunned to find out that lots of guys actually wanted to go out with me once I got to college. I was a bit of a geek in high school. And I had an actual real date for my senior dance at the end of college.

I'd recommend against that.

I would be extremely cautious with this situation. Not because there is anything particularly scary about prom but your posts have started setting some alarm bells ringing in my head.

So your son is tall, is he also broad shouldered or otherwise physically large? Is there a decent/good chance that is he were to get a date she would be physically smaller/weaker than him?



He has a difficult time reading social cues in friendships. You know where those thing get a lot more refined and subtle, in relationships. Especially potential sexual relationships. Especially since he's be going with a fairly new girlfriend if anyone I'm apprehensive about
his success with these new social situations he hasn't had much experience in


You've said he has a very articular way he wants this prom to go, and for him it is very concrete and a very big deal. Now you also mention that you believe he has an expectation of sex. How does he generally act/react when his expectations are not met / perceived circumstances change.

I don't know what this situation with the all night party is but is there potential for alcohol? I assume if he thinks prom night will include sex it won't be so well chaperoned as to preclude booze.

I'm reading that you're looking to put a girl who has limited familiarity with your son in a highly charged emotional situation, potentially unchaperoned or involving alcohol, with someone who is likely larger than her, who has difficulties with social nuance, likely including consent, who has very set expectations of sex occurring and may as has been addressed earlier in the thread have some entitlement issues going on.

To me, this doesn't sound like a prom night that will be memorable for the right reasons.

I of course don't think your son would harm anyone, I just think there is a lot of tricky social situations and room for a lot of misunderstanding here. I would be wary.

Hmmm..

You and I are about the same age.

Im single. you're divorced.

We have things in common-both wallflowers in highschool.

I should take YOU to this prom!

Lol!

Let's go. I'll buy the corage.