Kissing "goodnight" at the end of the first date

Post Reply New Topic

Agreed, a lot depends on what is meant by a first date. I took it to mean (pretty much) a blind date. Last relationship I had, we knew each other already but had been apart for some months, except for text messages. When we finally did go on a date, we just got on with it. But I wouldn't have called that a "first date." Judging by the advice websites I've looked at, most people would take a first date to mean with somebody relatively unknown.....the advice they give seems mostly about first impressions, and that wouldn't be relevent if you know the person reasonably well already.

I wouldn't do it based on any expectation to, or any assumption of what it implies for the rest of your relationship

Kissing is a scared thing to me. I don't believe you should kiss someone whom you don't intend to be or whom you don't know if you are going to be seriously romantically involved with. I have no beliefs against dating couples kissing.

I myself, and this is just me, a personal choice, not for anybody else. I have choosen to have my very first kiss (not with a sealion) when the preacher says; "You may now give your bride;" or "You may know kiss your groom." I want to know what that is like, not before. And if I never exprience that, I can always get another kiss from a sea lion!! !!

My first and only kiss thus far; Duke the Sea Lion! Gulf World Marine Park, Panama City, FL. September, 2009.

And my dogs have managed to get me on the lips a few times! I don't aim for that.

For me it depends on whether I feel confident that they are interested in me. So assuming I want to kiss them at some point, I would kiss them on a first date if the chemistry was undeniable and it was clear that we were interested in each other. This is rare for me, as usually my dates come from online dating, so the first meeting is likely to be just "getting to know you, see if we get along", then there's a follow-up email/text where one of us will make it clear that we would like to meet up again. Second date, sure, kiss away!! !

A kiss on the cheek might happen at the end of a bad date, if that's what they did at the start of the date. Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I wonder if that is where I fall down, that my definition of "date" is either old-fashioned or incorrect. For me, it's only a date if there is romantic interest. I'd probably take a girl I'd just met out to coffee, but all it would mean is, "I've never met you before but you seem friendly. Let's have an informal meetup to get to know each other a bit." Maybe if I used a real example:

A few years ago I was invited by my friend C, who was acting in a play, to the after-show party. While I was there I met one of the other actresses whom we'll call T. Sometime around midnight we both went outside on the patio to have a chat. We talked about what most people would consider the most boring things for about three hours (actually she did most of the talking, I did most of the listening and prompting, but for whatever reason I found it really interesting). Anyway, when we finally made our way inside and T went over to talk to some other people, C kept urging me to get her number. I flatly refused, thinking "Hell no, she might think I like her, and I don't know what would happen, and I just want to be friends...no, wait, I do want her number so I can talk to her later" when in fact I was quickly and unconsciously developing an intense crush. In the end my freezing indecision meant I didn't get her number. About three months later we met up again when I invited her through C to come to an Irish Ceilidh with a couple of my friends. This was, however, just a social gathering and by the end of the evening most of my crush feelings had faded.

The way I see it, I didn't do anything that could really be considered romantic. Certainly we talked for a very long time, but then good friends do that. Then the invitation to the Ceilidh was hardly a date since I just wanted to spend some good fun time with my friends and get to know T a bit. I don't really know why my friend C thought I was interested in T but I suppose it was obvious somehow. I mean, if T had shown some romantic interest and I'd not been blind to my own feelings, and then we'd agreed to meet up one-to-one, that would be a date.

I dunno. Maybe my mindset is completely wrong and tramples all over the NT social boundaries and definitions of words.

It all looks pretty normal to me, what you've written there. Except that you've not said much about what attention you gave her at the ceilidh. I'm wondering if you might have inadvertently pushed her away by sticking to your friends more than she'd expected on that night, so she felt the relationship had stopped developing. You could have been really accommodating for all I know, but it can be very hard for an Aspie to balance a newcomer with existing friends.....also, if it had been a budding romance, I think it would be OK for friends to have to take a back seat while you gave your full attention to that.

Not that I'm saying it wasn't a budding romance or still can't be. To talk at length to a new person, if they're of the right sexual orientation for you, is one of the first steps to a relationship, it's called chatting up......then you asked her along to a social thing, and she accepted, which is another step. At such an early stage, the question "is it just friendly banter or is it romance?" is meaningless........it IS just friendly banter, but what happens next depends on what you both do next. You can either collectively develop it or not. Any time along the road, one may notice dealbreakers and drop out. I suppose people chat even if there's no sexual chemistry for them, but they wouldn't normally continue associating with you as a man-woman pair unless there was some other definite shared purpose, and even then there would be an awareness, and care might have to be taken to avoid giving the wrong impression.......and things can change - what starts a simple alliance for a practical shared purpose can very easily deepen. Even the sexual chemistry can change.

Did you kiss her?

I never know what is expected of me when I meet someone new, I get caught up in the fact that they like me and never really assess how I am feeling, thinking that if it appears in tv and movies that it must bear a lot of weight in reality otherwise why would it have appeared. Thank you for pointing out that misconception, I have never heard that from a fellow Autistic. I assumed it was just how things were.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd be the sort of person to "kiss someone goodnight" on a first date. It doesn't sound, er, very me.

You more of a jumper-tit guy?

Wouldn't alcohol have to be involved for that?

Quite possibly.

See you on the local park.

Partaken?

Yes! Several times. Not for ages, though.

It's good stuff, that

Ok. First, I didn't talk a lot about the ceilidh because it wasn't really the point. My point was that because there was no mutual romantic interest, the invititation to the Ceilidh was not asking her on a date. Also it never was anyway, because it was something I wanted to do with my friends, and dates are one-to-one events. Second, I don't understand how the question, "Is it just friendly banter or is it romance?" is meaningless. Surely if the answer to the question is, "It's friendly banter" then you are friends, and if the answer is, "It's romantic" then there is the possibility she will accept being asked out? The assumption that because I spent a long time chatting with a girl I'd just met means there is mutual romantic interest is flawed, IMO. I could spend that long talking to her because I found what she had to say interesting on its own merits, and vice-versa. If I actually found what T said boring, you can bet I would have changed the subject, but I didn't because I found it interesting. Also, I thought "Chatting up" in the classic sense was when you walked up to a girl you'd never met, introduced yourself (possibly including a cheap pickup line such as "Hi sugar, you're looking sweet tonight") and attempted to start a conversation with the sole intent of developing a relationship or a one-night stand. A simple conversation like I had was just a means of getting to know her as a person - I had no ulterior motive at any point. I'm still having a bit of trouble reconciling my views with yours on these points, though.

Anyway, to answer your questions: no, I didn't push her away; my own feelings for her (which had already reduced over time with not seeing/hearing from her) faded over the course of the night. Further, I doubt she ever noticed how much I liked her, or even that I liked her at all. I did try and get a reasonable number of dances with her, though, and balance it out a bit with my other friends.


NO I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT! She clearly wasn't interested and even if she had been there wasn't much opportunity. The dance lasted about 40 minutes, but in case that seems short it was the Irish kind of ceilidh, not the Scottish. The Irish version is MUCH faster, and we were all absolutely knackered by the end of it, plus we all had to catch trains home fairly soon after. No goodnight kiss on the cheek, definitely no snogging, just a friendly goodbye. I saw her one last time a few months later, when I went to watch another play C was in, and that was 4 years ago. For various very unfortunate reasons, even her close friends have difficulty getting hold of her now, but that after-show party is one moment I won't forget in a hurry. It was actually a fabulous evening overall: even if she hadn't been there I'd have said the same thing.