13 May 2012, 8:34 pm
Jono wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
JohnF12 wrote:
I am so close to admitting myself into the hospital and you know which one I mean. I turn 22 in a few months and I really am getting depressed and hopeless. I live in freaking New York CITY(queens and I have a house in the suburbs well my parents do) and cannot find a girlfriend. I am not a bad looking guy, I am in decent shape, 5'11. I walk around all of the time, I go to stores, in the stores I am very friendly with both male and females clerks. I do not understand how it works? How do you meet a girl? How do you know what to do? How do you know this said girl wants to date YOU? I am a virgin, the only girlfriend I had was one when I was 10 and she kind of forced it on me. I am a social idiot, I have been told many times this or that girls like me. I am so lonely, I would love to have a girlfriend to share my life with. What do you do? I wish there was like some way someone could just be there and say "this girl likes you go for it" it is so frusturating. How do you know where to draw the line? I used to think several girls liked me but of course they were just being friendly and liked me as a "friend" how do you know the difference? I am so confused,depressed, low self esteem. I need help, advice. Do you guys think I should admit myself, I have already been in the hospital twice since turning 18. I cant take it anymore. I am unemployed, I have little friends and no girlfriend(that many of my friends have). It is so frusturating when all you hear or see is sex, love, and a man/woman holding hands. I am 21 and still a loser.
From somebody who was in your shoes for around 35 years a piece of advice.
- When you look for a girl with the intention of getting into a long term relationship it somehow never happens. Girls (at least NT ones) can smell fear and desperation a mile away. The law of averages dictates that an attractive girl already got at least 30 males interested in her and at least 2-5 males actively trying to get her attention. In my experience attractive girls would ignore me because there were better looking and more socially attractive men on the market.
I made the mistake of chasing average looking mousy girls who were shy and without boyfriends. Yes they did date me, but after a while they freak out when they see I am too eager to settle down! I was in a mode where I just wanted a G/F for the long haul. They wanted to get to know me first.
Eventually I settled for fat and ugly, unfortunately I freaked out when I saw myself in their eyes (not that I was fat or ugly but they were desperate just like me).
When I hit 35 I decided to hang myself with a celibate rope and ignored girls completely. Within a few months I was starting to get NT girls asking me for my phone number?? it was quite strange...before long I found one who wanted to get into a long term relationship.
My philosophy was this, if you try too hard and it ain't going to happen then it was never meant to be, when you aren't looking for it then it happens it means you are being judged a suitable B/F for who you are.
Hang on. Why should girls come running after you if they don't think you're interested in them. As someone with the opposite perspective, I wanted a GF but I wasn't actively looking for one, sometimes because I didn't know how to approach them but mostly because at the time I was more interested in academics, both in school as well as university. And no, girls did not come rushing to my door because I was not actively looking. In fact, I have never even had a single date until last year, at age 31, after I had put up a profile on OKCupid and it had been there for a few months.
Maybe what happened to you was that you wanted to settle down too quickly. Surely, the better advice there would be to take it more slowly rather than to stop looking.
You have to decide on what EXACTLY you really want. Examine yourself objectively and decide on if you want kids (and incidentally a wife) or if you just want sex since all the crap that relationships entail are just not worth the hassle.
Also remember that women mostly want a guy who is not a p**** and who they can show off to their friends. So improve yourself accordingly.
Nothing is more dangerous than an Aspie who knows what he wants.
Innerpeace
Blue Jay
Joined: 9 May 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 86
Location: North of the river, London.
14 May 2012, 9:01 am
arko5 wrote:
The best thing is to just try and enjoy your own company, it'll help build confidence/self-esteem and in turn that can make you a more attractive prospect (in theory at least, not sure how well it's working on my end 
)
)This is good advice. If you can accept not having a gf and be at peace with that situation, it will no longer cause you suffering. And then maybe a girl will come along. If you have accepted being alone, your peace will no longer depend on you finding a woman to make you feel better. Also you won't jump at the first girl who shows an interest. I have done this twice and ended up with women who had a lot of emotional issues. I think they gravitated towards me because unconciously they saught security. I guess we were as desperate as each other.
WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,197
Location: California, United States
18 Sep 2012, 5:02 pm
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