Impatience

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No, I do not regard women as fungible. And your last comment is pretty effing stupid TBH. If all I wanted was a warm body with a pulse I'd use craigslist or just get an freakin escort. I am not looking for casual sex or even a partner in crime! I am looking for a serious relationship and surely there do exist women who also are aiming for such. Funny how you think that ALL(or even most)women just luuuuuuuuuuuv dating and don't yearn for companionship and an intimate connection with somebody. Speak for yourself. The very first girlfriend I had kissed me on our 2nd "date"(which was actually at her apartment). Someone who isn't willing to be with me in a private locale by the 3rd date clearly indicates a lack of trust in me and trust is the basis of a relationship(I hope you understand the concept).

If you want to get a relationship without jumping through the hoops of dating, friendship is probably your best bet. Friendship doesn't have that kind of pressure, and if they don't want to go out with you, they might know someone who would.

Yes, exactly my point. My comments reflect how many NT women are likely to interpret your impatience, and you will get hurt and screwed and left alone. Dating is a process of getting to know each other as human beings, to determine if the two are a good fit. Women are intensely interested in that process, which takes much more than 3 dates, and it's a red flag if they sense that the guy is not. Just a warning that you'll have greater success if you slow down and rethink your approach.

In addition to your notes.

Women can sense guys fairly easily. They can tell whether a guy is impatient, desperate or whatever in terms of bad attitude. They can see you, but if the girl is shallow she would not able to go past your benefits. That is a bad luck, NOT for you, its her.

I used to be like you AspieRogue, I found out it is NOT the way to behave like that. Impatience is immature.

I don't have a girlfriend, I had it once, only for two months. Didn't work out because she is desperate for a boyfriend. See? Problem solved!

What I gotta do, its my final year of uni. Uni is NOT a good environment for finding a date for seriousness. Its about getting a degree, and/or shagging in colleges. It not a good thing. After uni is VERY GOOD. This is what I am looking forward to. A bigger world opens to you, I mean BIG! I'm heading off to Park City for working holiday from this December. That I am looking forward to. Not the case of looking forward to meet some American girls to date. Its about experience. So when you are experiencing something good, like travelling internationally, doing volunteering/internships, join sustainability club for environmental stuff, working holidays and that etc. Good things will turn up, she will come to you. In a better and more desirable way as it SHOULD happen. Only when you are feeling happy, patience, good attitude and bright kind of person. Then it will happen. Why not experience things first? I am very excited for doing lot of things. Look at me first before you think of what you want to do.

Everyone get a date, at LEAST once in their life. I had it once, so I counted it. I know there will be more to come, but I have NO idea when, where, how and all of that parameters. You need to build confidence from yourself. Girls LOVE happy guys. I mean they will love you, only if you are happy!

Impatience can be a problem, but what the fear is the 'time is running out'. So that saying never existed. How old are you? I'm 21, stay young!

I too am intensely interested in getting to know someone as a person. I see dating as about doing things with each other rather than about getting to know each other. If the person I'm dating doesn't show that they trust me by the 3rd date, that for me is a red flag.

Read that back to yourself. You are interested in doing things more than getting to know a woman as an individual. It sounds like the thing you are interested in doing is sex. Many NT men have the same attitude, and that's fine: men want sex. Everyone knows that. But being aggressive and impatient about it alienates the kind of women who are serious about developing a long-term relationship, and attracts those who don't care much about you as individual either. Doing things together is great - including sex - but keep in mind that quality women view dating as a two-phase process.

Phase I is learning each others' personalities, backgrounds, interests, what each wants/needs from a relationship, and most of all, building trust. That takes time. The #1 fear for most women is being used for their bodies, and treated like a piece of meat. If that's how they feel - regardless of your intent - they're going to be awful to you. They may tell you to get a blow-up doll or stick to internet porn. They'll tell everyone they know that all you're after is sex, and you'll gain a reputation as a scumbag. Your dating pool will shrink to women who think sex is all they have to offer. Those kind of women are insecure and desperate, and when they don't get their emotional needs met, they'll destroy you and take everything you have. So it is in your own best interest to slow down, to avoid winding up with that kind of woman.

Phase II is when they're ready for physical intimacy. But first women need to feel safe emotionally, before they will open themselves to being physically vulnerable. Men's equipment is external. They can whip it out, do it, and be done. In contrast, women's bodies are physically invaded, and that can be terrifying. Being sexually active is costly and risky for women, in many senses, and they need reassurance that they will not incur those costs and take those risks for nothing. In addition, many women have various fears and hang-ups that they won't tell necessarily you about. They may have been raped or had a bad experience. They may have moral or religious reservations, or have been socially conditioned to be "good girls." They may simply not enjoy sex very much, so it's not their priority in a relationship.

Here's an example. Once I dated a guy who loved kissing, but he refused to sleep with me. It took EIGHT MONTHS for him to finally explain the reason. He'd stupidly had a one-night stand, and contracted herpes. It made him feel dirty and unmanly and inadequate. I was the first woman he'd been with after that, and he was terrified that I'd freak out and dump him. Instead, we had long, honest talk about it, and great sex followed. My patience paid off, for both of us.

So it isn't just women. Everyone has hang-ups, fears, and insecurities that may be difficult for them to explain.


It takes time to build trust, so do not take it so personally, In some cases, a sense that you're in a rush is exactly why they don't trust you. Nothing alienates a woman who hardly knows you, like impatience, anger, and accusations of mistrust. You'll come off like a creep and scare the hell out of them. In other cases, it has nothing to do with you. So don't apply a rigid litmus test, and just discard them like an object that isn't performing correctly. Respect them as individuals who have good reasons for their behavior. Set aside your own wants/needs, show some interest, and ask questions, most of the time they'll explain. This will radically increase your chances of getting some action, and radically decrease your chances of getting rejected, betrayed, verbally abused, and abandoned.

Edited to add: Keep in mind, a large number of NT men have mastered these skills, so you have a lot of competition. As the gatekeepers of sex, women always keep in mind that they have other options. So if you're insensitive or make them feel bad about something, they won't waste much time on you. It's a hard world and it sucks, but that's the truth.

With all due respect I think you are misunderstanding what I'm trying to get across. I am not exclusively interested in JUST sex with someone! I would like to do OTHER activities with them, like going out and stuff. But first I really want to get to know them in a way that is COMFORTABLE FOR THE BOTH OF US.

I cannot begin to tell you how much easier and more fun it is to get to know someone by hanging out as pals instead of this formalized dating process which you describe. For example, I personally am not willing to meet at a bar on the first date because bars are noisy and chaotic and unless I'm going to get wasted they make me feel uncomfortable. THAT is why I spoke of meeting at her place or mine beyond the 3rd date! Meeting in private and just hangin' out and chatting, even if there is no intercourse or making out, is SOOOO much more fun than going out to a public place with somebody you don't know very well.

I am an INTROVERT who generally doesn't like social activities in public places with people I don't know very well. I suppose this is a matter of compatibility as some extroverted chicks would want to be social out in public on periodic dates with me and that process might last a month or longer.

I feeling the same way today. I'm so jaded now. Always trying to talk to girls, always only getting so far. Never getting close enough to experience any intimacy. Seems like I've spent so much of my life talking crap to girls that I've got 0 interest in. f**k talking now I just want to have sex with no talking.

I'm sure I am. I'm kind of doing it deliberately, to illustrate how females often evaluate and make judgments about new men.


I meant to describe a two-phase thought process, rather than formalized dating. Phase I can occur whilst hanging out as pals - that's great, and lots of women like that (myself included). I didn't go on a formal "date" until I was 25 - and that was because he was a traditional-minded, old-fashioned Southerner.


Ah. I agree 100%, as would many other women. Just be sure to clearly explain that, and describe what activity you have in mind (cooking dinner together, taking the dog to a park to play frisbee, etc.) Otherwise, the default assumption will be that you want to be in private for sexual reasons. You do call yourself a rogue!

Gatekeepers of sex? what. Everyone is the gatekeeper to their own body.
Who keeps the gay sex gates?
Also female/men isn't a set
women/men
female/male
the 2nd set isn't particularly human sounding

I would hate sex with no talking. How would I and my partner express consent? or communicate our boundaries?
What about the dirty talk?

That's great, but unless you find a way to overcome your impatient streak, the wanting to have sex part and being impatient about it is mostly what women will pick up from dating. I'm sure you want only good things between you and your potential partner, and having a patient (as well as) positive attitude (not saying you don't) will really help give that impression. In other words, the right impression!



Well, lots of women are comfortable in the dating scene. There's a huge element of selective process, control, security in dating and the "being your friend to get in your panties" thing is less of a concern as that pretence is removed from the love game. But that's what's comfortable for THEM. You are definitely not comfortable with the whole dating game and dating sites in general it seems, so I really don't recommend them for you. They just aren't for you. It might be better you join interest groups on the net that have a great mix of males / females and just go in not expecting anything and see how fate rolls it's dice. It's how I met one or two women in the past when my views on everything were different from how they are now.

Now THAT would be a situation where BOTH people are comfortable, not just the woman, or just you.



"That" is exactly why most women would decline the offer even on a 3rd date. It's still in many cases too early to have gained enough trust to outright meet somewhere intimate and secluded out of public eyes. If you want to go somewhere private afterwards I'd suggest making the offer whilst on a normal date, if the date is obviously going very well for both of you. While you're intentions may be good, being impatient about earning that trust (even if it feels like you should have earned it by now) raises alarm bells with a lot of women.


This is why I suggested activity and interest groups online. The likelihood is many girls / women that dedicate a lot of time to those online are as introverted as yourself, and it will be easier for you two to make a connection. They will probably be less inclined to play the dating games you don't enjoy. It's a starting point that will offer mutual comfort, providing you tackle the key concern you've raised within this thread, your impatience. An introverted girl, the ideal partner for you, would not like someone to be impatient with them. Probably even more so than an outgoing girl.

You seem to be a very tense / aggressive poster, and have defended almost every time when there wasn't really any need to. There are a lot of people that do make snide remarks, and sometimes one can't help but go on the defence. But to go on the defence every time also scares people off. Sometimes it would be better to make a witty comeback, bite your tongue, or question the behaviour in a diplomatic way rather than defend anything you might have set almost instantaneously with "You don't understand" "that's not what I meant" etc. We're aspies, a lot of people don't understand what we mean, continually reaffirming this will only frustrate people or scare them off. So try those other methods of handling miscommunication. It's helped me a lot.

Anyways, I only post this to help advise you from my own experiences. I had a LOT of trouble being patient, remaining calm, seeing the best in people in my teens to early 20's. It's not gospel, or the best advice in the world, but it's advice from someone that has been in similar shoes. So I hope it doesn't cause offence, it's only given in hope that it will be of use

All the best.

Bravo, JM, you GET it. Mr. Rogue could also brainstorm for mutually acceptable locations, i.e., those which are public (for the safety factor) that are not noisy and full of sensory overload (for the comfort factor). The safety is for him too. They are very rare, but man-hating, penis-chopping crazies do exist out there.

[edit: comment removed by moderator]
But you're right there's a few places you can go where the noise / people factor is not an issue yet are safe for strangers to meet. Such as:
-Art gallery
-Book stores that have cafe's
-Some city parks

JanuaryMan:

I'm gonna have to disagree with you that online dating sites are not for me. I've actually met A LOT of people that way, and even though I haven't yet mizz right I'm still gonna keep tryin'. Interest groups are definitely a good way to make friends, however, if you're intention is to find a date through them that can be tricky because many people there are not open to that let alone single. FYI, the first gf I ever had invited me back to her apartment by the 2nd date, even though we didn't actually sleep together until the 4th. I think the best way to curb my impatient streak is to exert self-control and not get too physical too soon.

But lemme say this much: What I like about meeting people on the internet is that it gives me a chance to get to know them at a distance before we actually go on a date. If I meet someone online and they want to go on a first date in short order before I've had the chance to get to know them, THAT is sort of a red flag for me because in such cases, going on a date with them is even more nerve wracking because I don't know what to expect or whether or not I'm going to like them.

Fair enough, dude. You know what you want, which is the main thing. Good luck with dating sites, statistically speaking it has to pay off eventually!

Dude you not even listening to my response. Its the best out of this thread......