Making amends

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The simple act of writing those letters is clearly cathartic, however sending them off is counter productive. I get the clear impression that brianruns10 is in need of self forgiveness for the past. So its better to pen those letters and then destroy them! The act of destroying those letters will be a physical and symbolical way of getting closure without involving other people.

^ This. Apologies have expiration times. After they expire they're not really apologies anymore.

To the OP: you're feeling remorseful about how things went. This rates you above a large percentage of people who don't take responsibility for their actions, but you may want to assess what it is you're feeling responsible for. Especially before contacting these persons again.

Oh I already know they are relieved at a near miss. It just takes meeting me for them to realize they can do much, much better. I seem to be wholly lacking in what women want. Someday though it'll change when I've established a name for myself, and they'll see there's more to me than my eccentricities or my outward appearance.

I just wanted to apologize for not begin better, and not being someone worthy of them. I wanted them to know,, that I know that I was a near miss, and unworthy. It sickens me to think that they think that I'm so delusional as to believe I ever had a chance with them. I want them to know I at least have a clear, realistic view, which is that I wasn't good enough.

This thinking is so messed up. You know what is unattractive? Someone with so little self-esteem that they don't feel they were "worthy" of being in one's presence.

Dating is NOT about who is "good enough."

That bears repeating: dating is NOT about who is "good enough."

It is about "feeling it" and finding the one in a million person who is uniquely right for you.

I've broken up with or kindly discouraged some awesome, and I mean awesome, men. I would NEVER say I was better than them and on an objective scale I do not think anyone else would, either. But they weren't right for me, we simply were not compatible on some key points.

Some guys were non-starters just because it was obvious they weren't in the right place in their lives for a permanent relationship, and since that was what I wanted, "we" were DOA. But that sort of thing just "is," there is no better or worse to it, no one who is "better" than the other.

It isn't like you can measure yourself on some universal scale, decide you are a 42, and then figure that as soon as you meet another 42 you'll live happilly ever after. Love and dating do not work that way.

I get that you felt the issue was that you were not good enough, but that is YOUR issue, not theirs, and you gain nothing bringing them into this. You have to learn to believe in yourself by yourself and for yourself, and until you can do that you probably aren't ready for a real relationship. But "ready" is NOT the same as "good enough," and someday I hope you see the difference.

If you got smashed drunk and threw up on your date's shoes, THAT would be worth apologizing for and making amends on. Some out of touch notion that you offended them by not being good enough? NO.

You've got to trust us married ladies on this one.

But there must be something wrong with me. It has to be me that is the problem. I don't think I'm picking girls out of my league. I just go for regular girls who I respect for their intelligence and their ambition. And I've tried to date so so many, scores, hundreds, through ever possible means: friends, coworkers, classmates, strangers, people online, blind dates from friends, and nothing works. And it would be absurd and misogynistic of me to blame all of them. The only answer is that I am the problem. And when hundreds of women have all rejected you, that says you're probably not a worthy person, at least to me it does.

So of course, when you get dismissed as many times as I have, you're esteem takes a nose dive. All I need is that one relationship, to prove I can do it, and my self esteem will be restored I just know it.

The honest truth is a do hate myself and regard myself as a failed human being, because of my inability to date or find love. So I need to find love or a relationship to save myself.

Unfortunately, it is a vicious cycle. If I prresent myself, who I am to a date, she runs for the hills. If I try to fake it, and act normal and confident and outgoing and hide my AS, I've lied to her, and she discovers and runs for the hills. Either way I'm damned, and the self esteem sinks lower.

I simply for my sake as a human being, have to find somebody who'll accept me and make me whole!

I've been following your posts on here for months, I think what you really ought to do is make a complete break with your past, put your previous dating experiences out of mind, and live in the present.

I believe I've said this in a reply to one of your posts before. At any rate, it needs to be repeated.

First of all there is nothing particularly wrong with you. I'm sure you have your virtues and your weaknesses just like the rest of us. But I really doubt you come across anywhere near as badly as you believe you do.

But here is the error that I think you keep making; you believe that you have to be perfect in order to be accepted at all. You are allowing the perfect to be the enemy of the good. You have posted before about needing to excel at running, film making and as a person before you can be worthy of anyone, all with an assumption that you have to reach some level of perfection that no one, not even the most successful people, can attain.

I suspect you are a reasonably decent person. I'm willing to bet you've got a lot of qualities that are appealing to many people. But I think it is also fair to criticize you for your habit of running yourself down.

Let's stipulate that anyone who engages in a particular behavior over and over is getting something positive out of it. You keep running yourself down. So what benefit are you getting from this behavior? I suspect you like the feedback you get when you run yourself down. People here tell you you are not so bad. You might be able to make others feel a sense of guilt or shame for thinking badly of you. This behavior gives you a subtle control over the nature of your relationships with people.

Here is an example that happened to me. I was in an acting class and we had an exercise where two actors had to try to be the dominant personality in the scene and take control over where it went. I was paired with a rather timid person and it was easy for me to overwhelm him. But his immediate response was to become so submissive that I could not stop myself from apologizing. His extreme submissiveness took all control away from me and he successfully became the dominant character.

I think this illustrates some of your behavior toward others. You run yourself down as a way of controlling how others respond to you. I'm not saying you enjoy running yourself down, but I suspect you feel safer when you behave this way than you do when you allow yourself to behave as an equal.

This is what I was referring to when I wrote earlier in this thread that you need to be a better person. You are not a bad person right now, but that does not mean you don't have your faults. You have to accept that you will never be as perfect as you want to be and you can't use running yourself down as a method to get people to reassure you. This is manipulative behavior and will make people want to avoid you.

Here's what I think you could be if you are willing to stop running yourself down. I think you could be a competent film maker. I think you could be an imperfect, but desirable partner in a relationship. I think you have qualities that people would admire if they didn't always feel like you were trying to make them feel guilty for your own low self esteem. I think you can be a better person, but I don't know how long it's going to take until you understand that being perfect is impossible and the best you can do is to try to just be better than you are right now.

I know I can be a little harsh, but I really wish you good luck. I think you can do this, but it's going to take a lot of work and struggle on your part.

Yes, it can actually be an abusive pattern. A way of forcing someone else into an awkward position, into forcing them to give you assurances, at a cost to themselves.

I don't think most people realize they are doing this, but they have a hole they need filled, and they are trying to get someone to fill it for them. But it just does not work.

OK, THIS is a problem. You cannot look for someone else to make you whole, and if that is what you are doing, your dates probably feel how strong your need is. And they know that they cannot fill it; you are projecting that you need from people more than they can give. If you form a relationship looking for someone else to make you whole, you will inevitably be disappointed. They may not be consciously aware of why they don't feel things are falling together between the two of you, but they are probably instinctively resisting what is never a win-win situation.

It still doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, but it may mean that you are not in the right emotional space to be in a healthy relationship. And if you are not in the right emotional space to be in a healthy relationship, you shouldn't be dating.

Seriously, you need to find how to be complete as you, yourself, just you.

And you have time. I didn't start dating my husband until I was 34, and my sister didn't meet hers until she was 40. We can both look back and realize that there were solid reasons WHY we didn't find someone until we did: there was too much we each had to do by ourselves, for ourselves. My only regret about those years is that I spent time worrying about someday finding someone, wishing I wasn't alone, and I feel (using 20.20 hindsight) that came more from society than anything inside - I felt so much pressure that I was SUPPOSED to be with someone, and that if it didn't happen "soon" it never would. But part of me knew I needed to be alone, and I think I subconsciously sabotaged my potential dates.

You have to believe that life will go the way it is supposed to go, and allow yourself to simply life it, to be whole in it the way it is.