Approaching women in public places

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I suppose it could be standard NT practice to note such things. Perhaps she felt that my rather friendly interpersonal style had suddenly become inappropriate on account of the ring. It would explain the slight put-down in her comment about sewing mouths. But NTs use witty put-downs to flirt with each other, or so I've heard. I know a bit of warmth when I get it. Just takes me a couple of years to decypher it.

She thought you were married and therefore shouldn't be talking to strange women in a manner that she interpreted as an approach. Hence the 'sew your mouth up' thing.

One of my pet peeves is women who automatically assume you're approaching them just because you've spoken to them.

I could have overdone the eye contact, but then I know a guy who does eye contact 100% of the time that he talks to anybody. I think the line between sexual approach and just being personable is a very blurred thing.

It is. Some women often get it wrong, assuming any guy who even so much as looks in their direction wants to sleep with them.

Last edited by ZX_SpectrumDisorder on 20 May 2012, 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wouldn't approach a woman and speak to her unless I was interested ,most of the time.

NT translation: "it's a shame you're married."


I admit, I'm intrigued!

My Aspie's approach was ballsier than any NT guy I've ever encountered, so I would not recommend it unless you don't mind getting slapped 9 times out of 10 (and/or beat up, since he did this at a bar in full view of my jackass boyfriend). After talking for a while, and sensing a mutual attraction, he asked if I'd go on a date with him. I knew very well he was after sex (and possibly more, but they all say that), so innocently I asked what he had in mind. Roller skating? Miniature golf? He said: "Breakfast."

I made him wait a few days, but he got his wish!

yes.


nope, i agree 100%.


yes, i agree. i enjoy brief conversations with people in safe public places (i.e. not a car park or a wooded ravine), as long as we both walk away in separate directions, never to meet again.

Thanks....I knew it must have meant something like that.


For clarification, please Google "elephant impression trouser pocket lining." Not that I ever did anything like that. I suspect that any admiration for my bravery would be somewhat eclipsed by stronger, more negative emotions.


Wow! If the lady already had a partner, I'd always give her a wide berth, especially right in front of the guy. But if your boyfriend was a jackass, and you were so open to being accosted by rivals, why hadn't you already ditched him?

I think sometimes Aspies do come over as being very brave and forward, which is paradoxical because being mind-blind, we "ought" to be much more cautious than NTs, and of course we often are. I suspect that the apparent courage is mostly down to blissful ignorance and poor impulse control - we've no idea what risks we're taking. I've done a few "impressive" social things in my time, and always thought at the time that I was growing out of my shyness, but socialising can still scare me every bit as much as ever did.

Haven't had that a lot, though I'm sure it goes on. I think I usually feel so paranoid and gulity that I'm already accusing myself of sexual motives long before anybody else is. But if they ever did that number on me, they're throwing stones from a glass house. I'm perfectly willing to expian to them in copious detail why I don't want to bed them. I don't think they'd come back for another dose.

The timing was incredible. This guy had had me on a rollercoaster for 8-9 months, during which time I'd come close to saying "forget it" several times. That night, I went to sit alone, to decide if I'd finally had enough. The #1 thing I had been frustrated about was the inexplicable absence of sex. And then Mr. Breakfast came over, obviously eager to remedy that. (He also loathed my popular boyfriend, correctly judged him to be a wimp, and surely enjoyed stealing his girlfriend right out from under his nose. I rather enjoyed letting him.) Down to the minute, his timing was perfect.

Timing can be a MAJOR element. A woman who doesn't seem interested might react very differently +/- a few hours, days, or weeks.


YES. It took me years to grasp that my Aspie was not a risk-taking, thrill-seeking maniac, as I'd always thought. But rather, extremely conservative and risk-averse, and just totally unaware of the risks he was taking. It came as quite a shock to realize how badly I'd misinterpreted his behavior. And that what he really needs in a woman is a "guardian angel."

Inexplicable is a key word here I think. I was always happy enough to wait for sex, as long as there was a good reason, like not knowing me well enough yet, but in your case, if he just wouldnt' say why, that's not so easy. I've always tried hard not to punish the partners I've left.........but if I wasn't such a lone wolf and had a relatively fixed community who would notice these things, I can see how it could send a useful message to the rest of the pool - "this is what happens to people who mess with me." In my case the next partner would have to take my word for it. Though I don't say I never found revenge to be sweet.

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Same with men, I think.


I think most of us need some kind of guardian figure in our lives. It's a shame there aren't more people qualified for such a job.

I know in the context of AS that long periods of time without sex are explicable (VERY WELL, do I know that now)! But jackass boyfriend ("M") was NT. 24, handsome, athletic, charismatic - he could have bedded any girl he wanted. Mr. Breakfast ("B") was shocked to learn that we did not have relations, and suspected he was gay. I knew that wasn't it, but others shared his opinion.

Well, the competition provoked M to finally confess the reason: he had been bedding any girl he wanted - and contracted an STD. I was the first girl to come along after that, and he'd been that terrified of having the "disclosure" conversation. At the cost of my emotions, he denied me, confused me, and yanked me around for months, instead of just explaining. Good to finally get clarity, but I'd had it with other things too, and I liked B much better anyway.


That was exactly the message received by the rest of the pool, when dozens of our peers saw me arrive with M, and leave with B. However, B himself did not receive that message, and wound up leaving me all alone just as M had - only worse. Not for a few hours, but for a few months. The reason for that, I know now, relates to AS, and ties back in to our other discussion about not understanding emotions in relationships, or how to have a relationship at all.

Indeed!


Hence the label "wimp." Hard to feel sorry for somebody who can have his pick of the girls.

There's messing and there's messing. We Aspies can do a lot of harm, but it's not often wilful, and I think quite often it's fixable.

Yes - but the odd thing was, B could too. He knew that, but did not appreciate its social significance. In the grad school food chain, M was a fox, but B was a gigantic hawk that could have picked him off and eaten him for lunch. (Through me, he did just that. Yet, to this day, he still doesn't grasp how vicious M was to me as a result, or why that was so expected.)

Because of B's (perceived) social power, I was even more suspicious of him than M, and initially thought his bumbling flirtations were a well-rehearsed act. So as not to scare me off? To mask what a cheating, lying dirtbag he was? I wasn't sure. (It was a well-rehearsed act, but now I know the answer is quite benign, of course.) He was mysterious and terrifying in many respects, but there was an innocence and sweetness about him too, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Everything is +/-, black/white, on/off, yes/no, true/false, all in the same person. Took me years to reconcile all the contradictions. To figure out who he is. Sometimes I suspect that even he isn't sure.

You're right, it is hard to feel sorry for someone with that kind of social power. So when things go wrong, there is zero sympathy for B, and he has just about nowhere to turn. Took me years to understand that too.


Absolutely. But the "fixing" has to be a joint endeavour. I've been driven to fix my past mistake of misjudging him. That he's always been receptive to it never stops surprising me. But then, the more I learn about what his love life has probably been like . . . maybe not so surprising.

It must be odd for a neurotypical to find a country that doesn't recognise sexual capital. I know not all Aspies are like that though. In my case I believe I'm somewhat "minority appeal," but I realised long back that my idea of an attractive woman was way out of synch with mainstream values. The Aspie in "Loving Mr. Spock" was very popular with women, but he didn't seem to know what he was doing at all, apart from running a script, and his motives just cut across any kind of normal expectations or values.


You mean during your relationship with M, or after B had definitively stepped in and snatched you?


Frankly, even at my age, I'm still not sure who I am. I have a better grasp of self than I used to have, but there's still a sense of being somehow the man of a million scripts, who is still waiting to find out which scripts could be the real me.


I think my main problem with the receptiveness thing has been that I've shut down, or got defensive or competitive if the partner was so heated that I interpreted it as the partner "having a go at me." It's an upbringing issue, down to a mother whose anger was always destructive. I like to think I've come a long way since then. I guess I'll always be the "we'll do this in a civilised manner or we won't do it at all" type, but if there's a problem in a relationship, the idea of not being interested in confronting it just seems insane to me. And what I noticed was that taking the grievances of others seriously tends to work as a magic bullet - if the partner's concern is genuine, she'll be glad I'm listening. But people who are just doing a bit of sneaky bullying seem to back off wonderfully if I just give them my full attention and adopt an air of "let's get this stuff right out in the open."

i think approaching women in public places is a sign of weakness. I am so desperate to couple I'll go up to complete strangers to do so.