Open Marriage

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I would say disregard her or in other words tell her to jog on and find someone that is willing to have a committed devoted relationship with you. You have already expressed that you aren't keen the idea, the only thing left to do now is to express that to her and leave her. I'm sure there are women that would want a monogamous devoted relationship with you, it's just about getting out there and finding them.

Thanks for all of the replies. I do appreciate that she’s being honest with me about her needs and I feel that show’s her commitment towards me as it would be much easier for her to just cheat on me. What she is proposing is an open marriage for both of us not in the sense that we’re swingers and actively trying to get it on every weekend but if either one of us was in a situation where we wanted sex with someone else then we could do it without any guilt. I guess that’s polygamy but I place polygamist more in the swinger category. I appreciate her honesty because I’m sure many married peopled in the right circumstance would end up cheating and then their marriage would be over when the other spouse found out. It’s human nature to be sexually attracted to other people and it doesn’t bother me that she’s sexually attracted to other men. I’m sexually attracted to other women but I don’t feel the desire to pursue them beyond my imagination. I like Dan Savage and I’ve read his take on open marriages. I see the logic of it all but emotionally I’m having a hard time with it. It hurts me in ways that I can’t express that I can’t meet all of her needs. I get jealous and I feel possessive. I’m worried about experimenting with an open marriage. Will I be happy? I’m afraid I’ll end up withdrawing and the marriage will end. If we separate will I find someone else? An open marriage feels more like Friends With Benefits and that just feels empty to me. I feel it’s unfair to propose an open marriage when the other partner has Aspergers since it was unlikely they would have strayed (at least that’s my understanding so far). What if I end up with another woman? I’m not good at one-night stands and I could see myself falling into another relationship that ends our marriage. But I’m conflicted. I’d rather have a woman with a high sex drive than a devoted wife with no interest in sex. I see some other marriages around me where they are still devoted to each other (for now) but there is no sex.
I understand a good number of people find the idea of an open marriage abhorrent but I would never punish her by taking the kids. I don’t want a divorce. The emotional and financial strain of divorce seems far worse to me than her having sex with someone else a few times over the next few years. I can’t stand the idea of us being apart and sharing custody of the kids. I think it’s better for the kids that she has the occasional infidelity but to all others we look and act like a completely normal family.

Based on your response an open marriage is not for you. Sex is more than a physical thing. Its an emotional connection. Well at least its supposed to be. I can relate to you because some of the things you said and the words you used - jealousy, betrayal, possessive, friends with benefits. I too would feel this way and I know I wouldn't be happy with an open marriage. At some point there's going to be an emotional connection with someone else and where does that leave you? I want all of my mate's emotions and sexual attention for myself. I have kids too but sometimes people stay together for the kids and that's not always what's best for the kids.

I think you need to find out how serious she is about it. Just mentioning a preference doesnt mean it's a deal breaker for your marriage. Maybe she's content with the fantasy of it. When I was in my 20s I was approached by maybe 4-5 different couples to be a third wheel for a night. You'd be surprised how often couples deviate from accepted norms.

If you did go ahead with it you might suggest yearly swinging outings as a couple. I'm sure you'll find other couples with her helping to draw them in, and this gets you involved to even the scales. That could be in addition to the "open" thing or as a replacement for it. You'd also need to come with a list of rules. Do you tell each other when it happens? Does there have to be some parity before it continues? Is it one time only per partner?

But it doesnt really sound like you are into it. You'll need to check with her to get a more detailed impression of what's what.