Overpossessive BF.. Please tell me what to do

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divineangel: please tell me you have finished with him. he doesn't deserve to go out with anyone. ever

I have left yes. we were not living together though he suggested we shud. But all this ruckus of him slapping me happened outside my aprtment when i asked him to leave after that dinner in the restaurant. I have blocked him from my bbm and removed him from fb also. I miss his presense yes.. but he is dangerous.. his temper showed me i will be walking on egg shells in the future too. if he has dared to hitm me once, he may do it again coz he called me a slut once and ebven after i accpeted his apology, and took him back, he did it again in a few days.

What's really disturbing is that you actually miss him after all that. You should really consider counseling... that's not a healthy reaction to an abuser (although frighteningly common.)

I guess i miss him coz of habit.. I will definitely never feel safe with him ever.. he has no respect for me.. i have been traumatized by his actions coz thats not what u expect from someone you attend high school with..

I don't think most of the things he's expecting from you would be particularly unreasonable for an old-fashioned married couple, but clearly you aren't that. The difficulty is that he's tried to fast-track you without reference to who YOU are and what you want. He's allowed himself to get involved way too heavily, he can't stand the frustration of your not echoing his "married" feelings, and he's fallen into the age-old trap of trying to force things to fit, to hammer you into a mould.

It would be interesting to look at how his mum dresses - demure, would be my guess. Upbringing would usually define what a guy felt was normal and acceptable.

Lots of men have these feelings. I think he's being a w*ker about it, and I think the slapping in particular is right out of line, but the underlying feelings aren't likely to change. I think it can be amplified by insecurity but mostly I think it's cultural.

I don't know about the other stuff, talking to men etc. Does he have much to do with other girls? Again, it's a personal standard, some folks have very open relationships, others have very closed ones. If he's got integrity he won't flirt with other girls as long as you don't flirt with other men. If he's too introverted and insecure to flirt with other girls, he'll probably get very angry if you do what he can't do back.

I don't hold out much hope for it working out. You probably feel entrapped if he didn't complain before you got serious. I think people shouldn't sleep together before they've talked these things through and got used to each other's ways - otherwise it can be a hell of a shock.

The difference is subtle but if you're on the receiving end of such a labelling, it can make a difference. It must be very hard for a girl who has been brought up to feel it's OK to show herself off, to understand the feelings of betrayal and anger it can generate in such a man, once he's involved. It's also very hard for such a man to see that some girls don't automatically see the sexual aspect of their sexy clothes, the effect it has in the mnds of other men. So I can well understand how the communication between you two on this subject has completely broken down.

If you're serious about staying with him, I'd insist on counselling - definitely this problem needs talking through. Otherwise it's going to be a lifetime of him calling you a slut and you calling him possessive. Those two terms are simply pejoratives and convey nothing more than resentment, they don't describe most real people. Nonetheless, I can't tell from distance how deviant he is. I smell a narcissistic rat.

Do you really want to be with someone that expects to completely control you, won't let you have any friends, and will become physically abusive if you don't obey?

I'd say to leave him.

I can sort of understand that.

What's important is you left. Now, just stay strong. Don't be one of those girls who is so desperate to have a boyfriend they go back to the abuse. Don't let him sweet talk you into thinking he's changed.

Please leave him.
You've been slaped... really, physical injury is not to be taken lightly.
Go away before it gets worse.

With respect, I think any good counsellor would call you out for labelling him as "an abuser" when the only objective truth is that he seems to be engaging in abusive behaviour. You might not see the distinction. Also, the title of this thread suggests the original poster would also have to learn something - "please tell me what to do" A good counsellor would never tell anybody what to do. You have to find out for yourself. A good counsellor will try to help you to raise your awareness of the emotional dynamics, to communicate your feelings better, to decide what you want, to negotiate, etc. And if you have to split up, they will try to help you do that, without leaving the poor sod thinking he's a total misogynist. This guy used to be a sweetie. I've already criticised his current behaviour but I'm not joining in with the mob and going all narrow and judgemental......for pity's sake, he's just a poor mixed up kid. What were you expecting - maturity?

I'm not saying go back with him. Weigh up the physical danger, sure. Was anybody violent to him? Or is this just a childhood of slapped wrists? But otherwise, if you have the spare time, money and incination, try counselling. You might even find you have some problems yourself. Things are not always what they seem. Find out. It's perfectly in order to say you'll talk about it but won't let him back unless the matter is settled to the satisfaction of both of you. You'll soon free yourself if you lose patience with the process.

Hiope you both get through this without too many scars.

Obviously he's very insecure for some unknown reason and he hasnt figured his sh*t out yet. It also sounds like you are inexperienced in talking people down and by not reassuring him you ended up winding him up further. It's one thing to assert privacy, it's another thing to a assert privacy and totally clam up when someone makes allegations. It's counterproductive.. Of course, that's just based on reading one paragraph.

But the fact that it's not an isolated incident and that he slapped you, coupled with the fact that you just don't sound like you are good together anyway, suggests that you shouldnt be seeing him.

Agree. If somebody is suspicious of me, I tell them to poke around to their heart's content, and I'd feel better for it, because I have nothing to hide. It's going to feed into their suspicion and paranoia if I won't let them look at what I'm up to. Of course if it's really confidential material, you could be walking a tightrope. Just use your best judgement and disclose all you dare. Really I think a lot of this is premature expectations. In older couples, if one partner catches the other texting some potential sexual rival, it's cause for concern. But not for young people who are still playing the field and aren't ready for the commitments and the somewhat boring stability necessary for the rearing of secure children. If you were to become a "proper" steady couple, you'd find most of those male friends would get out of your hair. It's a difficult thing for an insecure, infatuated new partner to wait for though. So he's jumped the gun and put you off him a treat.

If you've been having sex together, that's going to make you feel more bonded to each other than might be appropriate if either of you isn't ready for quite a firm commitment. If you've been saying you're in love with each other, that too will fuel expectations. I'd be very surprised if you said you'd never been sexual together and had never implied anything more than a casual relationship.

I'm glad for you that you're safer now.

I respectfully disagree. The behaviours indicated in the original post are not those of a mixed-up kid, they're the actions of an abuser. Period.

Sadly, I've seen this sort of thing far too often, including my own sister. These people control the lives of their lover/victim and completely remove them from the outside world, making the abuser the ONLY person in their life. The extreme overreactions to so much as talking to or texting someone else is another classic sign. And he's slapped her more than once. These are the classic traits of an abuser. Period. Simple as that.

The counseling isn't for advice on what to do - it's to help deal with the aftermath of having been under his thumb, and to deal with unhealthy thought patterns including still wanting/missing their abuser.

You are right.. i have questioned myself too at times..but whenever he has accussed me, I have always tried to reassure him patiently that I am not that sorta girl to cheat on him.. it shocked me in the beginning when he started accussing me, but i always made sure that he be rid of the insecurity. However, since the beginning, I have noticed that he refuses to listen. Its like he has this set notion in his head that if she is on another call and not taking his call in waiting, then am with someone else, or if i go out with my guy friends (who i have been friends with since years before), that I may not be with them and maybe dating someone else. At this point i cannot even communicate with him, because he becomes verbally abusive, and throws allegations, and does not lemme talk also. There have been times when i have sat in fronnt of my friends while out with them and explained to him that he shud not feel paranoid, Now as embarressing it is for me, coz it shows in front of my friends how weak a mind he has, its very difficult to make him understand. He jus ends up shouting and ruining my time on many occassions. I have asked him so many times when we r not fightingthat "do u think i am girl who wud cheat anyone? ask ur heart" and he says "No..u r not." but then when he loses it, he jus loses it.