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Boy Did I Ever Eff Up!

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JanuaryMan
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13 Jul 2012, 11:09 am

Nice, chad :) good to hear.

Also, going round her house doesn't mean you have to stay overnight. I'm sure she'd appreciate you visiting her more often. If her parents don't like you being around so much you could always take her out somewhere.



IlovemyAspie
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13 Jul 2012, 1:49 pm

I'm glad everything has worked itself out. But I still think you should take some of the suggestions to heart and do something that will really surprise her. This way it will show her that you are willing to go that extra mile for her and that you are different then all the other men in her life that have treated her poorly.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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13 Jul 2012, 5:19 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
. . . So this afternoon we were texting each other she is at work, i mentioned i was getting pizza for dinner and if only i lived closer i would come down and take her dinner break with her. She mentioned that she always comes to see me at work, but said "lol, jk" in the message, therefore i thought she was joking. I replied, jokingly that she lives a mile from my work and I live 30 from hers. . .

She was flirting and wanted you to come to her workplace anyway? And/or there was an emotional in addition to a logical aspect to the exchange, and you focused primarily on the logical aspect (?)

What if you disclose to her, sometimes I really can be a nerd, something like that? Especially since nerd has both positive and negative aspects.



thechadmaster
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13 Jul 2012, 7:49 pm

i brought her flowers and chocolate at work, i feel like our relationship is fully restored now. her co-workers are telling her im one hell of a catch. im going to commit to at leat once a week, getting to her workplace before she does so i can give her a kiss and a hug. I guess love is not supposed to make logical sense, i drive 60 miles round trip in a car with over 220,000 miles on the clock just to see her for five minutes.

My heart says "go for it man-dont be a dumbass" but my mind says "hey, what about the gasoline budget?"

in other words, i need to start thinking with my umm... "little head" I need to get used to love.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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14 Jul 2012, 2:13 pm

Maybe you don't need to do it every week, that might in time end up being too predictable and bland. Maybe every other week vaguely or every third week, something like that?

And remember, as the coworkers say, you're a catch, too. You bring good qualities to the relationship, too, and neither one of you guys need to be perfect. :chef: :jocolor:



Chronos
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16 Jul 2012, 6:38 am

thechadmaster wrote:
damn my aspergers....

A little background...

Me and my GF live about 20 miles apart, her workplace is about 30 miles from my house. My workplace is one mile from her house. Often times she will come down to my workplace to say hi before she goes to work. I generally dont go to her workplace because of the distance (60 miles round trip) I am also on vacation from work this week, and yesterday we took an all day road trip together (i picked her up and dropped her off at home)

So this afternoon we were texting each other she is at work, i mentioned i was getting pizza for dinner and if only i lived closer i would come down and take her dinner break with her. She mentioned that she always comes to see me at work, but said "lol, jk" in the message, therefore i thought she was joking. I replied, jokingly that she lives a mile from my work and I live 30 from hers. She told me i was being a dink, I told her i didnt understand.

From what I gather, she feels that I dont reciprocate in our relationship, that she always goes out of her way for me but i dont for her. I asked if I upset her by saying if i lived closer I would have come to her work. I will directly quote the last message she sent me
Quote:
it was that and when i said about me being the only one to go to the others work u said i lived one mile away and u lived 30. In other words I could cause I lived closer. Not taking into consideration i come in even when i say i dont know if i can im very busy


So I gather that the "lol jk" on the first message was not really "just kidding" but a little passive aggression.

Honestly, Im so afraid Im going to lose her, does anyone have any advice on how i screwed up and how i can make this right?


Ah women. Let me explain. It might seem illogical that she expects you to drive 30 miles every now and then to see her at work. And it might actually be, but this is not what she actually wants. What she wants is some re-assurance than you have an investment in her such that you will go out of your way for her, at least to the extent that she feels she goes out of her way for you.

I would probably tell her you hadn't realized she felt that way, and you hadn't realized she was going out of her way to see you sometimes, but you're glad she told you because even though you always really enjoyed your lunches and visits together, you know appreciate them even more. I would then take the time to stop by her work. Be advised however that her having to tell you this herself makes the act "less special". Thus, on top of that I would do something else that expresses you have an emotional investment in her, for example, some type of romantic surprise.



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16 Jul 2012, 11:51 pm

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
Maybe you don't need to do it every week, that might in time end up being too predictable and bland. Maybe every other week vaguely or every third week, something like that?

And remember, as the coworkers say, you're a catch, too. You bring good qualities to the relationship, too, and neither one of you guys need to be perfect. :chef: :jocolor:

yes, the surprise factor is like crack cocaine. it uses a psychological concept called "intermittent reinforcement, variable interval". if she doesn't know when the reward is coming, or how good it will be (i.e. the chocolates/flowers), she'll be more likely to excitedly expect the next time and will be very enthusiastic towards you... as long as you don't wait too long between visits.

i don't work people around like that, i just learned about it in university. apparently it works.


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Wolfheart
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17 Jul 2012, 12:02 am

Love is about mutual compromise and sacrifices, it's meant to be selfless but that doesn't mean you should allow your partner to dictate the relationship and push you into compromises that make you uncomfortable as a person, just try to keep that in mind.



BrenJB
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17 Jul 2012, 6:41 am

Wolfheart wrote:
Love is about mutual compromise and sacrifices, it's meant to be selfless but that doesn't mean you should allow your partner to dictate the relationship and push you into compromises that make you uncomfortable as a person, just try to keep that in mind.


Well stated. :)



civrev
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17 Jul 2012, 1:48 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
I have no plans now or in the future to tell her about my AS, at this point, I think she would feel like im making excuses for being unromantic and that would be a dealbreaker. I DO NOT want to go back to the way I was before I met her, I was depressed to the point of having disturbing thoughts, I felt that I would never meet someone who cares about me. I was not content with where I was before I met her and I couldnt imagine going back to that.


That worries me a bit, because if she wouldn't accept you for who you are, she's not worth being with. It's not something you asked for, it's just the hand that life dealt you. You may not want to mention AS in the context of this situation, but keeping it a secret entirely will probably only make things more difficult for the both of you in the long run.

Also, it sounds like you need her like you need air to breathe. That's not a good sign for the long term health of a relationship either. You at least need to have the confidence in yourself to know that if it doesn't work out, the world isn't going to explode. It also opens you up to a world of being exploited and manipulated, which if she's playing games, I would be wary of.