My marriage is about to end if I cant figure this out..

Post Reply New Topic

I agree that open relationships are hard, all relationships are hard and more people = more complications.
I just think that if a partner in a relationship isn't getting enough affection/touch/sex to feel loved and the other partner is unwilling or unable to provide more...that it's a monogamy dealbreaker and whether new setup is a separation or a different arrangement (either an open marriage where everyone knows whats going on or one partner finding something on the side).
If he's willing and able to provide more affection/touch/sex then that's a different beast, I didn't get the impression from the op he was.

Incense I think is a good suggestion.
"crotch smell products"I wish you'd specify because douches/perfumes/scented wipes/etc. can be really bad for you (for women at least, idk about the dudes).
A vibrator is a good thing to have, it's not a replacement for physical intimacy and sex.

I agree with you he should try to see if they can work out something with just the two of them as option one. With the sensory issues and situation being described I just don't think it's likely that'll work.

I like that different perspectives and ideas are being tossed around.

You will do fine

TheSunAlsoRises

Last edited by TheSunAlsoRises on 31 Jul 2012, 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

I just think open relationships arent something that should be started after the marriage. If the relationship was built with it from the beginning then it minimizes the inherent risk. And promoting an affair is just begging for a nasty divorce. none of the issues he has described are big enough that they warrant an open marriage. That sort of thing is more of a lifestyle choice than a remedy for issues. It does remind me of an auto mechanic from where im from. Its slogan was "Mecanica Erode o se Arregla o se JODE" translates roughly to "Mecanica Erode (name) Either its fixed or its f****d"

by the crotch smell things i meant sort of like creams intended for blowjobs to give flavor to skin. I do know about the possibly imbalances that chemicals can have to a vagina (raised by a ob/gyn) but now a days most of those products are water based and thus ph neutral. I have a lube that is vanila scented and flavored, while not exactly the best tastingthing out there I can see how it can be an upgrade from other smell/taste. Hell its better than the non flavored lube from the same company

hyper:
He did explain how his old marriage wasnt as sex driven. And that once the honeymoon phase (code for sex often) was done that these issues have been getting bigger. To me this sounds as if the issues were always there, but he was simply able to put them aside for the greater good.

Last edited by MXH on 31 Jul 2012, 1:10 am, edited 3 times in total.

Keeping sex under the sheets will cut down some of the... aromas. Perhaps a gentle fan blowing the remaining aromas out of the room will also help. Candles, pleasant scents... masturbating her (with or without gadgets) along with lots of touch or cuddling... you have tons of options and many solutions to whatever bedroom problems you may have... you both just need to work at it and find something that fills the need!

But that's the thing - it won't happen unless you experiment, try/fail and WORK at it!

i believe that if he was able to put aside the issues for the greater good at the start of the relationship, he could likely do so again. it's good that he is considering what to try in order to bring things back to a level she could accept. i think it's the best option, but i'd also potentially suggest marriage counselling because it seems like this may be just the most visible part of a troubled relationship.

could be so, but i find it kinda like when you buy a new car and you take care intense of it for 6 months and slowlyy you start to not do as good a job. Maybe wash it once eery 2 months instead of every 2 weeks as before. New car smell is gone, etc. It doesnt mean you stopped liking the car, youve just gotten accustomed to it being around that it has lost a bit of its luster. Though it doesnt mean you stop liking it and are looking for a replacement . But im not letting imagination run wild and sticking to just answering his post.

honestly, you sound as if you are asexual...if so check out
www.asexuality.org

I have never understood this "smell" thing really. I mean douches and creams and all that are just weird- You shouldn't need products to "cover up" any smell. Both parties should just take a nice, hot soapy shower or bath and wash real good! Humans shouldn't really smell a whole lot after that except for maybe the faint scent a little like the ocean air- not a bad smell like ANYONE gets if flesh upon flesh (balls, vulva, underarms) sweats and is covered up over time- THEN nobody is gonna smell too hot and that is of course a turn off...

I recently took a trip to our friendly, local sex shop and kinda wished I had a partner I could go shopping with...I was surprised at all the possibilities it opened up for me and my imagination,,,,I guess toys should be treated as an adjunct and not as the primary means to satisfaction? Who knows, everyone is different.

I will say, I do believe the sex drive in humans can be very strong....if you don't do something to make it work for her- she could stray eventually as much as she may try to resist it....humans are human...that sucks in a way- bcs you shouldn't do amything out of fear, it should be out of love...

Good Luck

You need to let your wife know you haven't given up. She's still a priority for you. If she isn't one of your current interests, she needs to be. What do you like about the relationship? What do you like about her? You may have to mentally give yourself a restart. Are you willing to put the effort into fixing things? Has it always been like this between the two of you? What made you connect to begin with? How long have you been married? Have you thought about dating eachother again to maybe bring back some spark to the relationship?

As far as the flirting tips are concerned, start slow. Try whispering in her ear. Even if it's only an, "I love you." "You look sexy today," etc. etc. If you can, hold her hand or run your fingers down her arm or on the back of her neck. Not for a long time but long enough or often enough that she notices and she will notice...Subtle flirting doesn't always work for us Aspies but NT's can usually pick it up pretty quickly.

What if you used your hand on her instead of actually making love, once in a while? You might try love making in the shower if the smell bothers you. You could try a soft scented candle lit in the room before you start. The vibrator suggestion that was mentioned I thought was a good one if she likes them. From what you've said it really sounds like she misses "you."

Not realistic. It never stays the same as it was in the beginning. You can't just rewind a relationship like that. Who says he was the one putting aside issues for the greater good at the beginning? It sounds to me like her expectations were hidden or changed and he can't meet the revealed or new ones: she says her problem is I dont persue her and show dominance..amd therefore i dont show her I love her, being agressive in the bedroom isnt somthing I know how to do

Since he doesn't know how, he couldn't have been doing that when they met. Either her expectations changed or she accepted him initially but kept hidden expectations, that never materialized, and so then she claimed dissatisfaction - but it's not reasonable to keep expectations secret and then demand them to be met later on. The honeymoon phase probably lasted only so long as she didn't have this expectation or kept it secret, and he was able to function without it, but not with it.

yes, it looks like her expectations changed, but i believe it was largely in response to his behaviour.

i've been there. she is most likely asking him to initiate sex more often because it has gotten to the point where she is having to urge him to do it, and that doesn't feel good. if she is having to initiate most of the time or all of the time, it makes perfect sense she'd want him to take over some of that.

sex wasn't the only issue either - it was also affection. she isn't feeling cared for anymore, and that is a reasonable feeling. he sees her as needy, but really.... she just seems to need what they had before. i do not think she'd be pushing for more assertiveness if she still had a reasonable facsimile of their prior sex life.

i do believe it is realistic to expect a person to continue to want sex after a few months or years if the relationship started off like that. perhaps not 7 times in a night like it may have been, but if it completely shifts to another dynamic i can see that being unacceptable. he has a set of options here, and the positive aspect is that he doesn't plan to continue with the status quo.

EDIT: the reason why i am sort of thinking marital therapy could be a good option is because of how they seem to have progressed to the point of digging their heels in and not really respecting each other's needs. i believe that this is part of a larger cascading issue in their marriage.

Why did you marry her in the first place?

I can't get my head around why I keep reading about situations where people marry and they are completely incompatible when it comes to their requirements and preferences.

People hide stuff because they're afraid it'll be a dealbreaker, then years later ... surprise!!

Often both people, I imagine. That's what I think happens.

Thank you everyone, Hyperlexion..you seem to be spot on, everything you say is exactally what my wife says..As for the smell, I find that if we take showers and use mouthwash it makes it a lot easier for me to tolerate it, we dont use condoms as she is "fixed" we have 4 kids between the two of us...the toys are a good idea, Ive never had a problem satisfying her when I can actually just relax and do it, but the toys make take some of the physical touce part of it away, as for background on why we got together, I dated her in high school and she became one of my special interests, she is a very good kind hearted woman but in high school we didnt work out because of her parents, she was much younger than me and I was kind of a bad kid..so they wouldnt allow us to stay together, we both got married to other people and when it didnt work out we got back together again..She has always been the agressor when it comes to sex and intimacy, she asked me out first, she held my hand first, kissed me first, initiated sex first, it was a beneficial thing to me as I have never been able to be assertive enough, even my first wife was that way, I did ask her out first, but only after she looked at me and said.."I really like you, why havent you asked me out yet?"..so in a way I do feel like her expectations of me have changed, my wife explains that she thought that if she jump started me, that I would somehow start taking the lead, and now shes tired of always being the one to initiate..It makes me mad that now Im expected to totally change myself to accomodate her change in attitude, I am willing to do it because I do love her, but Im just not sure how effective I can be..the analogy to the new car seems spot on..so for my part I am guilty of becomming comfortable in the normal routine and not taking care of it as well as I did in the beginning, I am trying to figure out how to make her one of my interests again..that would definitaly help I think...I cant explain why at the begining the stuff didnt bother me as bad, and has become worse with time..It pisses her off that I cant explain it..

There was no intentional hiding of anything, at least from my point..I feel like Ive always stayed the same and that it is her that has changed the game, I feel like Ive been lied to.. There is also the fact that I have no trust in her, and Im still hurt because of some things she has done, mainly the fact that I have several times cought her having an emotional afffair with other guys she knows on the internet..I understand her point of view that she needs some kind of emotional connect with someone, but I view it as outright cheating, id rather find her in bed with someone else..she's since stopped the online things (I think) but says that I need to give her that emotional connection so she doesnt need to find it elsewhere...and I have agreed to find a consular to see with her, but I want one that specializes in aspie/nt relationships..my consular that specializes only in aspies, she doesnt like, and her "normal" consular..I dont like cause shes the kind that thinks its all the mans fault..anyway

I think your wife may feel as if you've lost interest in her or that you no longer think that she is attractive due to your tendency to focus on your thoughts rather than your environment (and the people in it). She might just need to be reassured that you love her and find her attractive. Compliments are good for reassurance. When you think she looks beautiful or sexy, don't be shy about letting her know it. Also, a lot of peoples' emotional needs can be met by listening to them and trying to connect with their feelings about what they are saying. This last part can be extremely difficult though, but don't give up. And I agree that a counselor specializing in Aspie & NT relationships would be highly beneficial for your relationship also. Hope this helps.