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PastFixations
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31 Jul 2012, 12:14 pm

OP, I know that first love hurts and that you feel you need to defend this woman because your in love... I've been through that myself so I know.
However from the perspective outsiders have of the situation, it seems far too ironic that she will want the car and then says that she's not feeling the same way as she did.
Personally I wouldn't have paid for a car for a girlfriend in two months, I wouldn't have done in a year either, the only time I'd buy something like a car would be when I can confirm that she is in love with the person and nothing else.


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Casstranquility
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31 Jul 2012, 2:32 pm

I think putting a down payment on a car could have made her feel indebted to you, and the pressure of such a debt increased her insecurity about being in the relationship. That's just my opinion though because of how something like that would make me feel. It's not a case of her taking your money and then leaving, it really is possible to feel so much pressure about keeping a relationship together that it almost falls apart.

Being afraid of losing the spark doesn't mean it's gone, it means she's afraid, and perhaps now that the relationship has gone to the level of owing a debt, her fear has only gotten worse. "What if something happens to our relationship now that he's done this for me? I can't have that happen, what if I mess something up?"

Needing space could be a way to back off and process her emotions, it can be hard to think straight when you're in the middle of what's causing the difficulty.

I hope you can work through it with her.


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31 Jul 2012, 3:01 pm

Casstranquility wrote:
I think putting a down payment on a car could have made her feel indebted to you, and the pressure of such a debt increased her insecurity about being in the relationship. That's just my opinion though because of how something like that would make me feel. It's not a case of her taking your money and then leaving, it really is possible to feel so much pressure about keeping a relationship together that it almost falls apart.

That's more what I was originally aiming for - I regret even tagging the extra bit of "I hope she didn't keep the car" on there... it took a life of its own and distracted from the larger issue.

Too much too fast can really scare people off... and a car at two months may likely be "too much"!



mv
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31 Jul 2012, 3:03 pm

BlueMax wrote:
Casstranquility wrote:
I think putting a down payment on a car could have made her feel indebted to you, and the pressure of such a debt increased her insecurity about being in the relationship. That's just my opinion though because of how something like that would make me feel. It's not a case of her taking your money and then leaving, it really is possible to feel so much pressure about keeping a relationship together that it almost falls apart.

That's more what I was originally aiming for - I regret even tagging the extra bit of "I hope she didn't keep the car" on there... it took a life of its own and distracted from the larger issue.

Too much too fast can really scare people off... and a car at two months may likely be "too much"!


Which is why she should turn around and say, "Thank you for the gift, but I can't accept it." That's how people behave, when they're well brought up and not golddigging.



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31 Jul 2012, 3:12 pm

mv wrote:
Which is why she should turn around and say, "Thank you for the gift, but I can't accept it." That's how people behave, when they're well brought up and not golddigging.

Tut tut... there's no such thing as gold diggers. ;) ;) :P :D [/duck and run]



Casstranquility
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31 Jul 2012, 3:33 pm

mv wrote:
Which is why she should turn around and say, "Thank you for the gift, but I can't accept it." That's how people behave, when they're well brought up and not golddigging.


That's what someone would do if they knew how it would affect them, but what if she has other issues? What if she doesn't know how to say no; possibly because it would hurt his feelings, and she was already insecure to begin with?


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HisDivineMajesty
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31 Jul 2012, 4:10 pm

I'll take the easiest explanation here. If she accepts the car, then says she needs space, she's after the car.
Needing space, in every case I've heard about so far, was the first step in dismantling a relationship.



PastFixations
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31 Jul 2012, 4:21 pm

Link - Click Here
Did a bit of digging on the subject due to confusion and found that this article may be of use to you, OP.
Casstranquility seems to be matching quite well with what this website suggests.


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31 Jul 2012, 7:04 pm

thechadmaster wrote:
Greetings WP'ers

I had a conversation by text message last night that I really need some perspective on. Me and my girlfriend have been together almost 2 months. This is my first real relationship, and this is her third, her first two were with people who only cared about what she would "do" for them.

We live about 25 miles apart and our work schedules conflict. For the next three weeks we do not have a day off together. Yesterday we spent a good portion of the day together and she seemed a little off. When I would try to move in for a hug or a kiss she seemed like she was not into it like she usually is. I took her out yesterday to look for a car for her, we found one and I put up the entire down payment.


Why?

Unless you did such a thing because you are in the position to help people in such a manner, enjoy doing so, and expect nothing but thanks in return, I don't believe it's reasonable or appropriate to put an entire down payment on the car of an individual who you've only been seeing for two months.

thechadmaster wrote:
Later last night we got to talking and she told me that she was distant because she gets flashbacks about her previous abusive relationship. She said she didnt say anything because I was buying her a car and she didnt want to hurt my feelings. I told her that if I make her uncomfortable for any reason, I need her to speak up so I know what not to do next time.


In the event that she is telling the truth, my reply to that would be that she is likely not ready for another relationship, and won't be until she learns not to bring souvenirs aka "emotional baggage" from past relationships. However I think it's more feasible that there is another reason she acted in the manner she did.

thechadmaster wrote:
We had plans to see each other on Friday, Im off of work and she works in the afternoon. She said she would rather go shopping with her mother, which is fine, but what really bothered me is what she said next. The following is a direct quote from a text message

Quote:
I feel like my mom does, that we are going to get sick of each other if we see each other every day or every other day. I dont want us to lose the spark and Im afraid we might


I told her that I could never in a million years get sick of her and asked her if she was afraid she would get sick of me. She said yes and she didnt want that to happen.


Let's be realistic, you've been dating her for two months. She is still "new", so I don't think it's reasonable to assume you will never get sick of her. Even individuals who have been together for some time and genuinely love each other need space on occasion.

thechadmaster wrote:
~~~

My concern is this: If she is going to get sick of me seeing me every day, are we just delaying the inevitable by seeing each other less often? If she is afraid of losing the spark, then is it already lost?


I don't think your worries are unwarranted, however, the spark is not necessarily lost. She might just feel that things are moving too fast. I think the only way to know is to wait and see.