Missed opportunity?

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Man, it's not the same situation. People advised me to be assertive ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION etc. With guys who were inappropriate or wouldn't accept a polite letdown. I was just giving off I'm-a-doormat vibes or something. It's not even a problem anymore.

Don't blame women for all of your troubles, dude. We're not responsible for every single bad thing that happens in your life or in the world. You are going to have more problems if you harbor resentment for women. You can let go of that and still not let anyone use you or mistreat you.

Niiiiiice. I took accountability for my own actions but I hoped to impress that giving crappy advice can hurt people.

I made a bad choice mostly on my own but partly due to the "advice" given by angry women to treat men badly should they dare to so much as approach. Flipping things around to vindicate someone (yourself? a friend?) and absolve any responsibility is just cruel and manipulative.

I liken it to the circle of women who invariably complain about their husbands. One is exaggerating her own story of how her husband did something she disliked, so all the others start chanting, "Dump him! Dump him! Dump him!" ...so she takes their advice and divorces her husband. Now in a bad financial spot (or something) she looks to her friends and says, "Why did you people do this to me? All he did was miss our anniversary by a day!" They then turn on her and say, "YOU were the one stupid enough to dump him - we're not to blame!" *hissssssss*



Where the heck did you even GET the impression I'm blaming all women everywhere for whatever troubles I have??? That's a rather extreme assumption to make...


...anyways...
I guess the real long & short of it is BEWARE ADVICE!! If you're considering advice, ask - but keep your salt-lick handy.


Tired. Cranky. Going to bed now.

That is correct, girls in real life will get approached a lot less than they do online.

Some people feel more comfortable doing the initial approach online though or they may not live in a populated area which is the only case I would see applicable for using online dating. In either case, you have to create a good first impression, online or not.

Well telling you to eff off is probably the worst thing she can do to be honest and I really doubt she's going to do that on the premises of her business or where she works.

However I don't think it will come to that as you have talked to her in a proper way and well just keep it appropriate, hint about a local event and if she says no, respect her choice and move on.

How about what you wrote above your response to me?

You have a sh***y attitude toward women in general, that probably explains some of your missed opportunities.

No one on this forum gave that kind of advice and no one other than you is responsible for any choice you have made or make in the future.

Sorry, Max, but I think I'm with curlyfry on this one. Without realizing it you just gave her some more customers. You didn't miss an opportunity, and so the advice did not lead to failure. But trust me, carry on like you just did and that will be your undoing when a real opportunity arises.

Women get approached all the time, but it doesn't mean you can't try. Just bear it in mind when an opportunity arises. Oh, and don't get sh***y if she says no. Maybe you need to hear this from a guy so hear it is - moving your problems onto people that cannot control the situation you were in does not solve anything.

The guys and girls here weren't where you were, they also didn't make you choose X or Y advice, they also can't control if you use the advice to the best of your abilities. We can only advise and not every piece of advise works for every person.

Whether a woman wants to be hit on or dislikes it depends on the woman, the situation and the man doing the approaching. There's no rules - which is why it's so difficult to assess the situation, especially if you don't have the natural abilities to interpret social situations like NTs do.

She may well have just been doing her job. But don't worry too much about a missed opportunity - if she did like you, there'll be some way of contacting her again, right?

In the end, we're all giving advice based on our own experiences and our interpretations of them. I think very few people on this forum would purposely give you bad advice. And, people offer advice in order to help - we don't have to give advice...not that I'm saying our advice is exactly sacred, but responses take time to write. That's why it offends some that you're saying not to take any advice from them based on this one situation, which you didn't know how to figure out yourself.

Personally, I would've taken the opportunity. Most people you ask out, you get a, "No". I think telling someone to f*** off is rude. I would only ever do that if the man kept being pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer. Most people I ask out say no. It's life, and it's a good thing that people have the freedom of being able to choose who they want, even though it hurts.

I've had a good, long sleep so now I'm not cranky and I can think straight. If there was a missed opportunity it was 99% on me, 1% stupid WP voices in my head. I just have a hard time determining if it's friendliness or flirting. Simply asking to coffee and a simple no would've answered the question and prevented another stupid thread on here.

Sorry I made it sound at all like I placed the blame for my indecision on anyone else but myself.

Might want to look in the mirror instead because I don't. Most people on here know me for being pretty level-headed and wanting equality, fairness and healthy relationships.

My example of the coffee-klatch offend you? Good! It was a real event and I know the people who did it. It SHOULD offend anyone who thinks that sort of behaviour is wrong and hurts people. If it offends you because you think "women don't act like that"? Well, since it's a real event and most people would agree that sort of behaviour does actually happen there's nothing more I can say. Believe what you want.

I don't treat women badly. Period.

I don't like it when people (male or female) are cruel and manipulative and I'll stand up against it. Period.

I want an equal partner, not a dominatrix.


Anyways, thanks for your input, gang! Essentially, nobody can possibly know if I missed out or not. A couple of your messages really resonated with me and I agree - I don't think it'd be appropriate to ask out a near stranger anyway... if we have just as friendly a conversation next time, well then just maybe. I'm really not that worried about it... it just bugs me that when it comes to this kind of stuff, I'm not a 38-year old experienced veteran, I feel like a 13-year old scared kid fearing the worst possible outcomes. That and not picking up on the hints... sometimes it stinks to be an Aspie (if I am.)

Ahhh! Though she hasn't said this to you... only you are the one believing she is saying that to you.

Rule One for a man trying to gain the attention of a single woman who may be single and could be interested in you: Never ever perceive what a woman's thoughts are... it is an off-putter.
Not only that but it is noticeable when you think it.

Besides, the best time when a woman may find interest in men most is when these men actually don't seem like they want or don't need or don't look like they are gawking at her figure/body.

In fact, men in a similar situation to BlueMax and feel like you are getting butterflies in your stomach... need to do one thing... You need to Rationalize! Say that you only want to be friends with this girl. (Use this in any situation as it saves a lot of possible ache if she does push you aside if you actually do manage to build up the courage.)

Yes, some of you here might think that this is obvious but I guarantee most of you don't stop and think that she does not know you... she knows nothing of your background... and she'll see this desperado in the corner acting all panicky.

It is the only way you can conquer that fear...
How do I know... I can communicate with some women that I don't even remotely know by rationalizing that they could only be a friend.

That was my reading as well.
I should reemphasize: just about any advice or opinions appearing in this forum should be limited to the facts of the inciting incident.

I like this advice. Though a hairdresser has got to be one of the most difficult professionals to read, in terms of whether they are flirting or just doing their job. Personally I'd default to assuming she was just going along with you, i.e., hairdressers are usually good at reading their customer and treating them the way they want to be treated. If she clicks that you want playful banter, she'll go along with that. Yes, she might have been genuinely flirting, but it's REALLY hard to tell in that sort of situation.

I really like the idea of going back, but to a different person, when yours is on duty of course. See if she still appears interested, if she tries to get your attention etc. Of course there's the risk then that you will just offend her by not asking for her to style your hair. Tricky.

^^^ See? Sensible, good advice - no salt required. I'll try to keep THOSE voices in my head the next time some sort of opportunity presents itself.
Thanks!

Masseurs could be rather difficult as well in that sense.

I'd like a personal apology please. You made some offensive generalisations about me as an individual that certainly weren't true.

No - I deserve the apology for your personal attack. I'm not backing down from your undeserved aggression.