Fear and itdiots killed my sexuality

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Hello All,

Created an account here just to rant (not really rave). I know this community has gained the reputation of being a cesspool of self loathing and regret and negativity ... at least from others that told me of here. So I will try to be as gentle as possible and try not to continue the cycle.

Long story short::

Found an in-person aspie group that met regularly in the a nearby city a while back. I was not there to find singles, but for my personal edification and solidarity as an aspie. Well, one of the guys in the group a little older than I ... he had this stupid morbid obsession with sex. He couldn't clean his room when he invited me over to his place. He couldnt keep track of finances of even bathe properly. His mother assisted me in a transitory situation as I secured housing, to tell me I had severe deficits and serious places "making it through life" ... the same mantra I've heard from my own family all my life. Said only people with severe problems cant keep a job. I knew better considering my physical appearance, lack of work experience, having been right out of college, the economy, etc, etc.

I live on my own. The mother was sympathetic with me, but like so many others, she felt I was a wasted case and would never learn. The guy, her son, wanted me to be his guinea pig because he missed out on sex. He was ugly as Hell, UGLY. I played into society's paws and lived in the illusion that I am worthless and thus I am only worthy of associating sexually with a low life that can't perform basic functions ... yet though I am significantly more able in that department, his mom believed otherwise and thought after 2 days she knew me.

What I would do to never have attempted to meet other aspies. The derangement and sheer horror at the way some of them view the world is greatly disturbing. I've viewed the world as an outsider looking in, aware of myself but also of others. I sought after alternative treatments that have cleansed my body and made me calmer, and therapy is a blessing. I am so much better off than even 2 years ago.

But how stupid I was to think as an aspie, I deserve an idiot partner. I dont masturbate and I suppress any sexual thoughts. Not because I want to, but because of how mistreated I was by peers and family. No one asked me how I feel, what I think. They simply examined my attitude and left it at that, not wondering why I was the way I was.

I get by extremely well socially. But I am distant and do the bare bones minimum. Lack of personal regard on my end has killed my sexuality, and it began with what others said and think of me. Let this be a cautionary tale if anything else. I am hot as Hell now, and I learned many things about aspergers and the face and body and my body is learning to heal itself. Fear almost completely shut my body down and destroyed me after years of sadness and mistreatment and biological damage. But I still hate my body - despite the hottness. I am hit on now, and its just nauseating and depressing for me. I dont even bother explaining myself.

All obsessions are bad, and anyone who does not realize this does not live in reality .. unlike the ret*d person I fooled around with. Yes, I use that word in a literal sense and not in a derogatory manner. I hope I will forgive myself one day. Worst imaginable experience of someone in bed I can think of! I hate him. It was a nightmare, and the worst of it all is I feel into illusion and participated willingly. I didn't even go far with the person.

Rant over

Anonon