New and on honeymoon and miserable....

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I can only suggest you 'rewind' and start again with a different approach.

Instead of going for sex, go for intimacy. Aka, the two of you naked & snuggling. Talk..play... read a book you both enjoy out loud.. do something together like that.

You are not new to sex itself but he is. It could be he doesn't have a 'database' of what to do , when, how ,etc. Practice makes perfect but jumping into the ocean to learn to swim is usually a bad idea...you should start with swimming lessons at a pool.

I doubt it is you the cause of the issues. Nor is it him completely. Work together to get synchronized

I love him. We won't be getting divorced. He's a great guy. Just the last week has been frustratingly out of character for him.

A second honeymoon sounds good. Not sure if we'll ever be able to afford it or find someone willing to look after my daughter, but maybe we can try again in a few years.

If he was a virgin, he probably didn't know anything about his sex drives

I was just thinking..11 years in and we still haven't had our honeymoon yet!!

These all sound like things you should've figured out BEFORE you got married. It's why I think people who don't cohabitate and have sex before marriage are on a fool's errand. Would you buy a car without test driving it first? And you're only gonna have the car for 10 or 20 years. A marriage is for life. And now you're finding you both are pretty incompatible, with different sexual desires, and different daily habits. I can't believe none of this manifested before you tied the not.

I see three options:
1) Honor your religious vows and deal with it.
2) Have a frank discussion with him, try to talk it out, seek counsel, and if that all fails, divorce him. Life's too short to suffer so long. Chalk it up as an expensive life lesson and move on.
3) Borrowing a page from Dan Savage, you could seek an open marriage, so your desires are met. Of course, being that you're religious, I doubt you'll take this route.

I understand the first bit. Sort of. He should know me better than that though. I have a sister who has lost a lot of friends because she lies to them and tells them what she thinks they want to hear (and she does it to me too), when we've all said to her over and over, all we want is the truth. He all I want is honesty, especially around problems. Being truthful might sting for a few seconds, but it doesn't hurt like being lied to does. And he's seen that I prefer that with lots of other people in my life.

I'm actually more like you - I feel like there is no middle ground - it's either his way or the highway and it's very hard to negotiate to anything remotely resembling a middle ground. He is very set in his way - but I have seen some progress in that in the last year or so

Sounds good. To be honest I don't have much more experience than him. My first husband is the only other man I've been with and he was a selfish lover always wanting to do it the same way. It's kinda awkward at times when hubby now asks me for suggestions on stuff to do and I have to say I honestly have no more ideas than what we've already tried. And it's not about what I want - I want to know what he enjoys, I'm happy to do it whatever way gives him most enjoyment but I can tell very little from his cues, and asking him directly just ends in "I don't know". I'm hoping with time and practice he works out what he likes most and can tell me.

Don't despair. The greatest problem at the moment is that you are in a strange place. Also there is alot of pressure around weddings and honeymoons. Society feeds us the idea that everything has to be perfect and amazingly romantic. It sets us up for a fall.

I really do think once you're home and can get back into routines and get back to normal you will be ok.

Rewinding and starting again is a great idea. Don't let each other think that they ruined the honeymoon for the other.

I think your first instinct was right about staying in familiar settings for the honeymoon. I know people who have waited for sex before marriage and they were advised by people who'd gone abroad for their honeymoon not to as too many new things all at once in the confined hotel was too much to much to deal with.

How long till you go back home?

cohabitation and premarital sex are not the answers. I have seen many friends go down that route and it is always the same - upon getting married, their spouses showed a very different side. It didn't matter if they'd lived together for a week, a year or a decade. Before they were married, they acted on their best behaviour - as soon as they were married, they changed and showed their true colours.

It took my exhusband 6-12 months AFTER we were married before he turned into a monster. And knowing his relationships with his mistresses (the ones he got long term involved with before we seperated) and the ones he's had long term relationships with since we seperated, he hides his true colours from them sometimes for several years after moving in together - usually after their trapped financially or had a kid with him and can't leave easily.

I'm not "suffering". Probably miserable is far too strong a word. Just been feeling very frustrated. And as someone else said - he wouldn't have known his sex drive before he started having sex, so simple talking wouldn't have made a difference. I thought because his frequent interest in intimate cuddling, he'd be just as interested in sex.

I find it strange and funny you think an open marriage is a solution. It certainly wouldn't meet my needs. I thought I'd explained it well enough that it isn't about the physical pleasure for me. The thought of doing it with anyone is absolutely detestful and disgusting to me. I don't enjoy sex for the physical pleasure. I chose to not have sex from when I seperated from my first husband. I had plenty of offers, but the thought of doing it with anyone else makes me physically ill.

It took me months before I could even hold now-hubby hand. And several more months before I could kiss him. The act of anything sexual is about sharing yourself with your partner and making your partner happy.

Having an open marriage wouldn't work because I wouldn't find it disgusting and nauseating to be touched by anyone else, and it simply wouldn't solve the problem. I want sex to see my husband pleasured. It's seeing the look on his face and how he sounds when he is enjoying it. Getting it on with someone else won't make my husband pleasured.

My desire is to see him orgasm and as often as I can.

I think you (Briansrun10) and I see sex as something entirely different. You see sex as a physical thing that is about your pleasure. I see sex as only enjoyable in a loving committed relationship and it's about the other person's pleasure and getting them off and about emotionally and spiritually connecting with them.

Relationships are not disposable and even if my husband had turned out to be absolutely hopeless in bed (he's not - he's actually really good, he's just not interested in doing it), it wouldn't make any difference to our relationship.

My post is actually less about the sex and more about his lack of desire to spend time doing anything with me. And that wouldn't be a problem if

we were somewhere close to home.

It's just being far from home, and none of the usual things I would do being available that is difficult.

It's sad - I even miss my work which I normally hate going to.

You did post before, when you first joined this site - about the problems you were having then and your fears for your married life together. You received advise and replies, but don't seem to have read them.

Sorry, but I really don't see anything changing anytime soon, and as there seem to be long-standing problems and incompatibilities I'm not sure why you married him.

Here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4273432 ... t=#4273432


"I'm looking for some advice on my relationship.

My partner has aspergers, and I probably have a mild form of it, and things are a mess. I can't seem to ever work out what he's thinking or feeling, he doesn't understand me at all.

We're getting married next year and I'm worried that we've only managed to survive this long is because our relationship is currently long distance.

I don't know how to get him to show me intimacy in ways that I need. I've escaped an abusive decade long relationship, and I need a man who supports me the way I need, to show me frequently that he does love me. But he rarely says "I love you", he rarely pays me compliments, he never tells me I'm beautiful - I mean, I know I'm ugly, everyone else has no problem saying it, but I had hoped he might think it and occasionally say it. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful because he doesn't think I am, he's not like a "normal" man, he can't tell a girl who is ugly a white lie and tell her she's beautiful anyway.

The one he does like is kissing - I have some mild sensory issues, and I simply cannot stand kissing. I hate it. I find it disgusting and repulsive. And it's all he wants to do. All the stuff I do like, he's not interested in doing. We aren't having sex, but he never initiates anything except the kissing I hate. I want to cuddle, I want to hug, I want to touch each other, but we only ever do what I push for.

And on top of everything else, he never just wants to spend time together doing nothing particular. We always have to be doing something specific or he'd prefer to be alone reading. I do things he likes that I find boring because I just enjoy it because it's spending time with him, but he rarely comes along to things I like to do, and when he does, I'm always made to regret it. I don't think he means to be rude, but he is. When we're around my extended family, he brings a book and reads it and ignores them trying to include him. It's even worse when it's non-family. I wanted to have dinner with friends on my birthday, but when we got to the place where we were supposed to have dinner, he just kept making really loud sighing sounds, embarassing me and upsetting my friends, until I gave in and took him back to where he was staying. And that happens a lot - if he finds something boring, he'll just make massively loud sighing sounds until I can no longer take the embarassment and tell him he can go to his home.

I can't cope with it because my ex did it on purpose - he'd make embarassing sounds, huge gigantic sighs to make sure I knew he didn't want to be wherever we were, all my family and friends knew he had no respect for them, and as a result, he gradually pushed them all away from me, isolating me until I had few friends, and my parents are abusive people and took it out on me because of how rude he was to them. I realise my current partner isn't doing it on purpose, but I've tried speaking him a little about it and he cannot understand what the problem, and still doesn't realise he's doing it when he does do it.

I'm really not coping well. I feel ugly, I feel unattractive, I feel totally undesirable, physically and mentally.

I don't know what I'm doing. I've suffered a lot due to being used by "friends" who I wasn't able to tell they were just using me when even a blind person would have seen it. Time and time again, been used because I couldn't see a person's true motives. It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says "use this person, she'll never realise it until too late".

I desperately need a partner who can be emotionally supportive, give me hugs when I'm struggling, who doesn't embarass me when we're doing things that don't interest him, I'm just lost and it's got to the point where I'm clinically depressed from his lack of support. And I know it's not anything he realises he's doing.

What can I do about changing things? I love him so much but struggling to cope with it all.

I should also mention, I have a child with aspergers from my first marriage, and my child's father's abuse has only made the situation worse. My child is out of control and I'm struggling to cope with that too."

Frankly, I'm more concerned about his reaction to locking the door than the sex... you two just can't seem to communicate well. "You don't need to know" is an extremely odd response to, "did you lock the door?" which leads me to believe there are much larger problems behind all this.

I suspect there's some deep resentment or other feelings building up in both of you and it's coming out in the way you both attempt to communicate.

Plus, you both seem to want different things. He wants lots of kissing, you hate it. He want sightseeing, you want sex. Compromise helps, but so does being on the same wavelength in the first place...

When you guys get back, I would highly suggest some sort of marriage counseling (which should've been done BEFORE getting married!) Your pastor might be able to do this or suggest a good one. (I've had good and bad counselors before... they're only human. You may need to try different ones before you find an effective one.)

It appears you each are still caught up in what you each want, not what your partner wants... but that's just what little I can observe from a single post. Take that with salt.

Good luck, you two!

What Marcia said.

You felt miserable before you got married, and so you thought marrying would do what? Fix everything? That'd he'd change.

Honestly you treat yourself like a doormat, so it should be no surprise when your hubby does the same. You have expressed little regard for yourself, and how much you love him, but he sure doesn't seem interested in reciprocating. It's a load of bull that he didn't know what his sex drive was until he started having sex. It's called masturbation. Some only do it once a week. Some once a day. Some more than once.

You said it yourself, that sex is about making your partner happy. And that is precisely what your partner is NOT doing. You are correct that you and I see sex differently. I see it a as a mutual act between two people who want to give each other something special. While you think it is all about the other person. You treat yourself like a slave to him, while having no respect for yourself. Why should he respect you if you don't?

My advice was just that. As I said, I didnt' think an open marriage was for you, but it's an option.

But honestly, you saw this coming, your relationship was having problems BEFORE you got married, and now you're married. So again, it comes down to

1) having a frank discussion with him and working this out, even if it means a counselor
2) Divorce his ass now
3) Keep on living like a doormat like you've been doing, and get ready to enjoy the next forty to sixty years of life wit him.

I agree that struck me as particularly douchebag. Sometimes I find when people are being obtuse like that you can draw them out of their games by refusing to partake in indirect communication:

"Yes, I do need to know, because my stuff is in there, and if the door is not locked then somebody could gain access to the room and steal my stuff, and that would be inconvenient, expensive and upsetting, so can you please answer my question"

Hello Butterflywings80,

I started to watch the videos posted by Arman Khodaei in his blog and on the second one, I thought of what you posted here, how miserable you feel - and probably the two of you.

On the second video posted on that page "Arman's blog", Arman explains quite well the obsession and the almost impossibility to let go when one has made a mistake and how difficult it is to go on with it.

Nevermind (if I may say so) if the mistake(s) was/were yours or his - or both! -, the result is that now, the honeymoon is a failure for both of you.

I hope that that particular video can cheer you up a bit and help to go further and better.
You said your husband is brilliant so maybe it's even more difficult for him to get over what he thinks, hoped and what is going on right now?

And, as a result, for you too.

And, even more, it could also be none of your "fault" (for the couple) but something that happened during the travel or at the resort or whatever that refrained him to be happy with you and do all the things he wanted to do with you during those first days of your marriage.

And for now, it's still too early for him to talk about it with you. If he's upset or something and doesn't want to talk about it right now, it's not going to be easy for you, to be stuck in that hotel room with him doing nothing.


(Excuse the poor english: it's not my native language. I hope you can understand what I mean to say nonetheless.)