Moving in together

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i like to keep the idea simple

there are 2 endings. either you will get married or you will separate. so prepare for both and look at how likely one is. with no surprises there we be far fewer problems.

and secondly, make sure you are willing to work through problems. no way to guess, and very difficult to discuss all variables beforehand. so if all the sudden you find out that laundry is done differently and causes an argument, remind each other that its insignificant compared to the whole picture, no matter how significant it seems at the time. my sister use to get into fights all the time with her now husband when the lived together, and most things were just "in the moment" fights and no real problems with the relationship. so dont let the little arguments control everything.

other than that its all about how much space someone needs, so plan that the best as possible. a 'no disturb' room, a friends you can run too if you need out for a few hours, etc.

in my life i usually have no problems living with people because i like the company. but in hindsight i know that they were usually not good for me either. deadbeat friends were the most common problem. no/small paycheck and left cigarette butts everywhere and made the neighbors mad. for girlfriends though, i would love to live with them, but i also believe it can hurt a relationship that is not mature enough. so im planning to hold off from now on until there is a proposal and ring involved (we shall see how good i am at that)

I think the fact is now that I don't really mind the outcome as long as we actually have that discussion.

If he said to me that he trusts our relationship will work, that we love each other, that we're strong as a couple but that living together at this point would be too soon and neither of us are ready for that... I would agree, I would be happy with that, I would accept it.

But it's the fact that we haven't talked about it that bugs me. And I don't know how to start that conversation. And even if I plan to start it... I know I won't, that I can't. Because I'm okay at communicating my feelings, when asked about them.

I wouldn't be able to, either. So if you know you can't, don't dwell on it, or think of another way to broach the subject. As humans, how do we communicate? Speech (indirect and direct)...writing...any other suggestions?

IMHO, joint bank account is bad for now, until you really get to know all of him. Some people say they aren't good with money so they trust their partner to take care of it. I think it should be 50/50 based on their salary. That is wishful thinking of course

* sharing, that was difficult.
* people change, I don't like change
* was expected to help all my neighbours, some would just pop in and demand me to help them. But I don't like that and we had big fights about it.
* never asked anyone to help me, except for her.
* wasn't good with the preparation of food, but she ate it and always said she enjoyed it. I could never understand when she really liked it, or that she just liked it because I made it. Why not just tell me the truth so that I can learn to do it better.
* disliked going to clothing shops, it was money, I felt it was money unnecessary spent. I do realise you need to replace clothes. look at point nr 1. It would mean my money.
* did help her out some times, wish I could have done more, kept feeling guilty that I couldn't
* would zone out, when she wanted to talk
* she said she would be ok if we lived in a shack so I said ok lets do it, I will save a ton of money. Nope she didn't really mean it, that was just something I had to understand some how.

If both of you want it to work, it will work.

aspies love to list things. so tell him your thinking of it and want to talk about it in a little while, and each of you come up with a list of questions, concerns or thoughts. then you guys can exchange lists and go over individual items slowly.

a starting point would be to list out all habits or rituals you've built up that you fear would change with someone else around.

and remember that we are all changing every day, just very slowly and usually dont notice. so if something seems unmovable at first, later becomes flexible, and maybe even irrelevant at some point. and some habits/rituals you may even want to break and just need some support doing it. like with how i dont mind a little clutter because i know where everything is. if i had a roommate who could organize in a pattern that made sense to me, i would be uber in love if they followed it and made up for my shortcoming. just dont put stuff where it dont make sense or i freak out.

Stalk, wish I could have zoned out when he wanted to talk. I always rolled my eyes and either walked away or covered my ears. I now realise how there was never any compromising. But to be fair, when he wanted to talk, it always meant preaching, or some other serious crap I wasn't interested in. I tried to be blunt and honest initially, but it was like talking in a different language so eventually it all irritated me regardless of the subject or theme.

And this brings me to NT's in general. If I tell them I am tired and don't want to talk, they a) assume I am angry or don't like them, or b) they insist on talking and don't respect my wish for silence. Arghhhhhh it's SO annoying. No wonder many of us prefer solitude!

So he just texted me saying that since we both have uni work to do, it's probably best that we spend the night apart to study in the morning. Which is sensible but.... argh, the thought of a night alone is making me feel so sad and stressed.

I like being alone, but it seems I can't sleep alone, and it's a sudden break to my routine that I just...

And this is a reason why living together might be better. I can't stand this constant... not knowing where or how I'm going to sleep.

ladystardust, you shouldn't be making such a pivotal decision based on not wanting to sleep alone. At least not exclusively based on that. Make a list of the pros and cons. That helps. I did that, when I wanted to make a decision on whether it was worth being with someone, or not. The list can always be updated as you move forward.

That isn't the only factor, but it was definitely a moment where I thought "if we lived together, I wouldn't have to feel like this again", that we could build up a proper routine, that it might be beneficial in ways I hadn't realised.

A pros and cons list is in progress. My usual method for puzzling out an issue.

I'm considering, when I think the list is as comprehensive as possible, either printing it out and giving it to him, or sending it as an email or something. That would mean I wouldn't have to start the conversation. Or would that be too offputting apropos of nothing? I could always write in the email what I'm thinking and why I think we need to have this discussion...

ladystardust, I would do that. I may sound biased, because writing is my preferred method of communication. Not only because it enables me to express myself better and without haste, but it also gives the other party, the option to ponder, choose the time to read, or read again if necessary.

Just to update on this...

We had a discussion about it, and it may or may not be going ahead, we're still both weighing it up... but it was good to have a full and frank talk and air all of our concerns.

I talked him through my pros and cons list and he did the same. And we talked about things like the need for space, how we both need 'me time', and that separate bedrooms is an absolute necessity. And eventually we came to the conclusion that, financially, and due to our shared misanthropy, it would actually be a sensible move.

My concern is that once I get an idea in my head and have puzzled it through enough, I become stuck on it. And at the moment I'm very much in 'this is going ahead' mode, and a little scared that if he turns around and says he's changed his mind, I would find it difficult to reconcile myself and my idea of our relationship.

But I'm trying my best to keep an open mind, and know that there are negatives that have to be addressed. He's going to talk it through with his family to get an objective opinion, and I've discussed it with family, friends (and you guys).

Will have to see how it goes from here. I'm very relieved that we had the Talk,, though, and to know that his reasons for thinking it's a bad idea aren't personal to me. It seems we agreed on a lot of points, and it's much better now it isn't hanging over us.

ladystardust, I am genuinely happy for you

Communication is paramount and resolves a lot of issues. You have both taken that first step. That's always the hardest.

Thanks for letting us know. Keep us updated if you can and want. Good luck.