Equality=not for me

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I think power is illusory. The truly powerful people, are often understated. They are usually successful, by the quiet knowledge that they can get everything they need, without having to put others down as a consequence. They are respected and as such, they acquire power.

The people that you mention as having been powerful in your life? They were probably just ignorant bullies. The power was ceded to them when you believed the crap they fed you at the time.

We seem to have similar backgrounds in some ways when it comes to relationships, although I've typically been the one to take a "lower" role than the girl. I think there are a lot of girls out there who want a take-charge kind of guy, but there's a fine line between being the leader in the relationship and being a jerk.

My wife was dominated for a while by an abusive bf, and she pretty much went straight from him to me. I think she wanted to be a more assertive person, but that person somehow got buried under all the physical and mental abuse. There was a brief time when I had to tell her what she could/couldn't do because she just couldn't function in the relationship otherwise. Over a few weeks, I had to tell her, "look, you don't have to ask me permission to hang out with your friends!" The only person I would NOT allow her any contact with was her ex. And over time, that person who got shoved so deep down eventually came back. You wouldn't even know she's the same person now.

Since we got married, I'm the figurative head of the household. I don't really throw my weight around--if it's something I feel strongly about, I will eventually get my way. Spiritual/church matters are my domain. If we can't agree on something, I'm the one who breaks the tie.

The thing is, though, I didn't marry a GIRL. I married a woman. She's not stupid. And I know she has a better grip on a lot of tough issues than I do. So rather than a dismissive "my way or the highway," I ask a lot of questions. I try to get as much information as I can on our marriage/family issues, and most of our arguments end with me saying, "well, it seems you know what you're talking about. Do what you think is best." She's better at planning family trips. She's better at making money than I am. For the most part she makes good decisions with money. I know I can trust her, so I don't have any insecurities about deferring a lot of the decision-making to her. And because things have really gone well for her in her job situation recently (she got promoted after half a day in training and again before she'd been on the job 6 months), I've taken more of a direct role in caring for our kids during the day: I have my daughter with me after 11:00 4 days of the week, I teach her piano lessons, my oldest son after 3:00, same days, teach him piano also, and I take care of my 7-month-old full-time--all between two flexible part-time jobs. And I STILL get to do everything I want to do and get my own work done.

I'm the default leader in my family, but being "in-charge" doesn't mean I have to do EVERYTHING myself. The success/failure of our family depends on everyone who is part of the family relationship. At a certain point, I just have to say that I did all I could do and it's up to everyone else in my household.

Now, I realize we aren't talking about married-with-children here, but I think that's the ultimate expression of male-female relationships. What makes it work is understanding that the partners in the relationship ARE equals but not the same in all areas. My wife and I recognize that we each have our separate "territory." It isn't her "place" to teach our kids how to play musical instruments--not because she's above or beneath doing so, but because that isn't within the range of her ability. Just like if I start washing dishes every night or folding clothes--it's going to end up a disaster and cause more fights. We pull together side-by-side be recognizing and respecting the others' talents and abilities. We are equals...just not equals in all things, and it results in a pair of two individuals who are complementary. We are equal...but DIFFERENT. And it's the differences that help get the perfect fit in the relationship.

If you want to be Mr. In Charge, fine. But you need to quickly understand that there's a fine line between being a leader and a tyrant. You're not out to find a perfect match with yourself, or you're going to be a relationship of two domineering people at each other's throats all the time. Instead, think of it as finding a missing piece to the puzzle and find someone who matches THAT.

It kind of sounds like you want to have a master/slave or submissive kind of relationship, because you have been mistreated and you lack control in relationships. In these kind of master/sub relationships the drive to have one comes naturally with no ill intent involved, while in your case it seems to be have grown from a history of being wronged.

.......you could try and ask LKL out the two of you argue like your already married!! *ducks*

AspieRogue, I suggest that you find a website where the majority of members are either largely ignorant of fact-based reality, or they possess some condition that limits their perceptions and/or ability to socialize, and then try to impress them with the idea that you are philosophically, politically, and religiously superior to everyone who posts there. Eventually, one of the female members there may see through your faux-trollish facade and appreciate you for the spirit of the kind, caring, and nurturing little love puppy that exists at the very core of your being.

If that fails, then I suggest that you buy a farm in upstate New Hampshire and raise organic swine.