What are the odds she will return?

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Sorry, there is no way in hell I would consider what I did harassment. But thanks for your opinion nonetheless.

What would *she* consider it, do you think? That's the important part of it.

There are precedents. She spent time with him, and then after that time she spent *more* time with him in Italy. Does that not mean anything? Can he not have hope? Why does everything always have to be so negative? I have had people tell me no, when they really meant yes. My husband was the first. I clearly remember him saying "Don't you dare fall in love with me, I am NOT interested and I will never be". Uh Huh, sure, then 20 years later who is still in love with who?

I am not saying with this that he should continue pursuing this girl, but I think his gestures were sweet and well motivated. They had a past, albeit it brief. It's not like he is some psycho.

Give him a break. Plus, I am a woman, with AS, and that is my opinion. Just as valid as anyone else's.

When a woman says "No" it means "No" -- not "Yes", not "Maybe", not "Keep trying until you do something I like", and certainly not "Convince me first that I'm too Autistic to even realize what a good catch you really are".

@ Albeniz: Which part of 'NO' is too difficult for you to understand?

albeniz, you have made it clear that you are going to discount all responses except the ones that tell you what you want to hear. so far one response out of nine has agreed with what you already wanted to hear.

that is the risk you take when you ask a question publicly - people will be honest with you and answer the question you actually asked. this isn't an NT forum where people will give you blanket reassurances and pat you on the back; they will answer your questions straight up, no holds barred.

if you think you know best already and just want people to tell you that you are right, that strategy won't work too well on an aspie forum. people on this site give the very best advice that they can, and it is generally well thought-out and insightful. so if you get a large majority of responses telling you one thing or another, i'd say it's time to pause and reflect. otherwise, what did you really want from the membership here, besides their best advice?

p.s. the odds are close to nil.

I have no problem with this, except I reserve the right to defend myself for having being accused a "stalker" based on very little and somewhat vague evidence. Other responses were quite succinct and civil, they have been taken into account and I thank their authors for that.

You do raise an interesting point. In this very situation I feel that I am excercising a certain amount of empathy - I've theorised why she acted the way she did based on my brief experience with her and other past relationships and I don't believe it to be a clear cut case of rejection. I've gone a little bit further in an attempt to help her. It may just change her life, who knows. I believe it was worth a try.

I can also understand that if one were to analyse the situation with a purely literal viewpoint, it would appear that I may be harassing her. Seeing as this is an AS forum, such an outcome I suppose is to be expected - people are giving the best advice they can as you say, but one that may lack an empathetic insight.

I guess I was really hoping for some responses from AS females or even males that may have been in a similar situation on either side of the fence. AspieSandra27 is the only poster to have come close.

I was always the odd one out for many reasons, but mainly my AS. So, even within the AS community, I am still the odd one out quite often. I used to be bothered with that. Now? Nah, not really. It just means I don't follow the leader. I am *not* a sheep, and I have the experience to prove it, and my own independent view on situations. I know nothing about Albeniz save for what he has written on this post. I am completely impartial. But I am a woman, and I have 4 decades of life to show for it.

Quantity doesn't always mean quality in terms of opinions. We should all know that.

I will now withdraw from this post because I seem to be considered abnormal for having unique views on this. Time will tell.

And Albeniz? Continue being who you are.

I am an AS female who has been pursued beyond the telling of "No," and it's *never* welcome. If anything, it was puzzling because of the finality of my "No" (as all my "noes" are). And after that, it was insulting, because it showed a lack of respect for my wishes.

Never once have I looked back and said, "Oh, if only he'd just pressed his case a bit further." Like aspiesandra27 said, I might be flattered with the gift, but ultimately I would send it back as I wouldn't feel right in accepting it, since I told you "no" previously and because it would signify an acceptance of a special relationship between us.

you are saying this ^^^ because she agreed with you, not because she is the only one who has been in a similar situation (you cannot know this based on people's responses). in fact, aspiesandra27 didn't even mention anything that would indicate she has ever been in a similar situation before - you're just adding that bit of subtext to her words.

so in a sense, you're manufacturing something that makes one member's responses seem more valid, when the evidence isn't present in this thread.

It might've been that she did have a great time on holiday, and she had fun, but there was no meaning to it. Say there *was* something there at the beginning...You might not have reacted the way she wanted (could be a myriad of reasons why) and it put her off.

I'd listen to the "non-response". People don't go cold like that because they feel like it - there's always a purpose behind it. It's either 1) To hurt you 2) To tell you to say the right thing or they won't respond or 3) To tell you plainly, "No. Go away".

If it was the second, then maybe the tea and lavender you sent *might* trigger a response, and she might forgive you for whatever you did wrong (if you did do wrong). However - a book on AS? Wrong thing to do. It's making an assumption about her after knowing her for such a short time. You don't know who she is, and making out she has AS could be very insulting for her.

I disagree that albeniz is only accepting the responses that tell him what he wants to hear. He's said the ball is firmly in her court now. Personally I wouldn't have risked sending her a present like that, but since she gave him a present (what kind of present..?) at the beginning, it doesn't seem like harassment to me. I just wouldn't send her anything else or contact her at all, which he said he wouldn't.

As for what I think - people are unpredictable, you never know. However, I think since she lives far away, it's unlikely. Sorry. Also, just because someone doesn't respond, it doesn't mean they have AS. Unless you've found other traits that clearly shows them.

While it's clear what he should do if it's an explicit "no", how should one handle silence, or something more implicit?

To rephrase number 3 - "No. Go away" doesn't mean they never want to speak to you again. That's very important. Sometimes people go silent for months at a time and then get back in touch. You make damned sure if they do that you don't bring up their silence, or they get pissed off. Personally, I like doing exactly this and pissing them off. Each to their own.

As to answer Tim_Tex - handling silence is hard. I don't know how to handle it, except to meet as many other people as you can. As for me, if something goes wrong, I cut people out and walk a lot. It's easier for *me* to handle. Playing music loudly is great too, and doing chores. Having a clearout gives me a great feeling.

Yes she did. Please re-read.



She gave me a book also, and sure, it is slightly risky sending her the book by Simone, but she had/has a large number of traits, out of those mentionned in the book I discerned at least 15. The Simone book has very positive reviews from middle-aged aspiegirls and I know that if the tables were reversed and someone sent me a book that struck a chord with me re: Aspergers (corresponded with my thoughts) I would be very, very appreciative.

@mv Thank you your reply is interesting. Of course, when I replied twice to her I was not aware she may have Apsergers.

@aspiesandra27, thank you, will do.

@smudge re: silence. Thank you and this is also an interesting point, ie that "no, go away" may not mean permanantly. In fact this is the primary cause of bridges being burnt, often to the regret of the bridge burner at a later stage! I have read aspies sometimes burn bridges (I am guilty myself) only to wonder and regret why they may have so few friends. A gentle message after a few months of silence is also well worth a go in my opinion.

Last edited by albeniz on 05 Dec 2012, 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

edit: i reread what you were talking about aspiesandra27, but you already dismissed all of the dissenting opinions and only listened to her on page 1... before she shared that story. nice try though.

but anyway, you asked what the odds were, that she would respond. considering the rate of positive versus negative responses in answer to that question, i think you can probably guess. but since you are not planning to contact her again, why did you want to know the odds? to decide how long to wait for a response before giving up?

There are plenty of situations where you are told no, then you have to drop it. If she were to stay in contact and want to be friends, then you would have to accept that and keep your feelings for her inside in the process to avoid burning a bridge later on. Didn't sound like she even wanted that. I would say just let it go.
I have also had situations in my life where things were not so clear at all. Seeing that I am more of a literal thinker, If I get no clear message that indicates any actual interest on the part of the other person, I would feel more comfortable just walking instead of "persisting." Chasing usually never works for ANYONE... this includes NT males, and women in quite a few cases as well. I can also assure you the second you start thinking too much is the second you allow yourself to feel bad instead of good.

I still don't agree but let's leave it there.



Yes, for example. It could obviously take a while for her to digest the information in the book and all that goes with it, have a think about it all and possibly re-asses her situation.

Last edited by albeniz on 05 Dec 2012, 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.