Getting Dumped For Someone Else

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It seems to be the rule these days, rather than the exception, that people break up to be with someone else. I've had it happen to me, and just as I was approaching the rock bottom of self blame and criticism, someone posed me a very simple question: What could she ever have done that would have been so bad that YOU would have cheated on HER?

The answer required no thought at all -- there was nothing that could have caused me to cheat. Leave?...sure, ok. But cheat? I actually remember thinking that it was sort of a ridiculous question; what misdeed could possibly have warranted hurting her as badly as I was hurting at that moment in time?

Almost immediately, it hit me like a ton of bricks that if there was nothing she could have done which would cause me to cheat, then it made absolutely no sense that I could be to blame for her cheating. A huge weight was lifted immediately, and I figured out rather quickly that the question I should have been asking all along was simply...why would she choose to do that to me?

The answer, of course, was that she was just not a very good person.

Needless to say, moving on was a lot easier after that stunning realization.

So, just remember...he cheated because he's an ass, and ultimately, it had nothing to do with you.

This is very much like my recent experience, during my absence from these forums I had been in a brief, yet extremely fulfilling relationship with a girl who i suspect is on spectrum though more likely to be Bi Polar than anything else. Me and her had been friends for about a year before we started going out, and it occurred to us after she broke up with her last boyfriend, that we really should just give it a try, since everyone of our friends and family members and even just casual observers on the street commented on how well we worked together. Even though there was a small age difference, we would routinely be asked by people 'So, how long have you two been married?'..

During that year, we only had sex once, and that was very early on before she had gone exclusive with her soon to be boyfriend. It didn't progress past that, even though there was obvious sexual tension between her and I. We simply moved past it and found constructive and fun things to do together that wouldn't leave me feeling as if I had betrayed his trust in her. I tried not to have her over at my house alone, and if I did always stayed in the living room rather than in my bed room. It was in fact to me that she reached out when she had a meltdown at his house and he decided to be less than understanding about it.

After a period of about 2 months between her breaking up with him, she was at my house and her and I had sex, during it she told me she loved me. I stopped, asked her not to say things like that as she was emotionally high from the sex and also drunk. I told her to sleep on it, and tell me in the morning if she still felt the same way, she agreed, and in the morning told me that she did love me, and that she had realized over the preceding year that I was the only one of her male friends who understood her and didn't judge her for her mental illness. I refrained initially from telling her that I loved her, since I wasn't sure that I did. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how important she was to me, and how big a part of my life she had become even when we were just friends.

She soon had the idea in mind that me and her needed to try being a couple, it was her idea at first to list our Facebook status as "Engaged", since we felt we had already gotten past the "Getting to know each other" dating phase. I explained that, I needed it to be an exclusive arrangement from the outset, or else I'd not be comfortable with it progressing beyond "Friends with benefits", so if she wanted it to be an actual real relationship, it had to be just that. She agreed. Things went swimmingly for about about 4 months. We did loads of things together, watched movies, and most importantly to me, I didn't feel alone in the world anymore. Sex wasn't particularly that big a deal to me, but it was to her, so I did my best to work past my insecurities and most importantly the effects of my various medications in order to please her. I reasoned that, if I make her come, she keeps me company. It worked out well. She would come over, we would take turns cooking dinner, and then the next morning I'd make french toast or pancakes provided I didn't have class. It never mattered if I had no money, and she seemed to legitimately be content to simply spend time with me.

Then one day, about a week before Thanksgiving, it all started to fall apart. Several things happened in a short period of time, and I'm not sure which of these things caused the problem, but I have my guesses. 1) a "Friend" of hers who had admitted in the past to having a huge crush on her moved back in across the street after breaking up with his girlfriend of 4 years. 2) said 'Friend' began to spend an inordinate amount of time with her, while I was busy doing other things, and had a severe lack of transportation options. and 3) said 'friend' also had access to pills which she had previously taken recreationaly before attempting to go straight while me and her were together.

As I said I don't know which, or even indeed if all of these, were perhaps the culprits, but things soon began to fall apart entirely. Soon she didn't want to come over anymore, and at first I was okay with that because she told me nothing was wrong and that we were still lovers and that she just felt that things were going to fast. Then, she stopped even doing that, and started to become standoffish when I tried to talk to her online. She would swap back and forth between the person that I had come to love, and this new person who was passive aggressive towards me and hyper critical of things which she formerly found endearing about me. All of these at least are hallmarks of some one who is abusing the types of pills she did. Ultimately though, she decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me at all anymore, due to, gasp, my "Ultimatum" that we be exclusive and monogamous.

This of course left me with only one conclusion to draw, that he had come back around after breaking up with his long time girlfriend, likely given my friend pills, and then continually pressured her into having sex with him, since he's just the sort of person who would do that. "Get a girl drunk, tell her you love her, and then have your way with her"... she to her credit at least broke up with me before having sex with him, but it didn't make it hurt any less. It actually felt like a repudiation of all the efforts she had made to clean herself up, and all the efforts I was making to try and get my life in order. That this loser, drunken, drug addicted moron who works a crappy job and lives with his drug addict parents, should be able to so easily captivate the person who only a week before was still telling me she wanted to get married the following Fall.

I have to make the confession that, I've contemplated self harm a number of times in the last week, due not so much to losing a source of sex, but the fact that, I had finally felt as though I had found a single person on this planet that I connected too and would be willing to spend the rest of my life with.. who then betrayed me, and had the temerity to ask if we could "go back to how things were before we were dating" that being that, I'd pay to take her to shows and to movies and out to eat and cook dinner for her.. while she slept with the other guy. I told her that was impossible, that I couldn't sleep in the same bed as a her if she was dating some one else, and that further I couldn't bear to see her with some one else after the things she had told me and the way that she had gotten my hopes up and then dashed them.

I vacillate between hating her, and just trying to convince myself that my friend is dead and this is a pod person.

Please please please do not maintain contact with him. It will just turn into a cycle of being hurt.

It says a lot about a person when that happens, and it's shone him in a terrible light, I don't feel he is a good person.

For probably the first time ever I agree with you entirely. I think the original poster needs to distance herself from this guy and find some one better. That's what I was trying to get to with my post except I forgot what I was trying to say. Basically, if they are willing to do something like this guy, or my 'friend' did.. then they never really cared about you in the first place, or if they did, it was a fleeting fancy and once it was taken care of they were ready to move on. These sorts of people are childish, immature, and care nothing for those whom they hurt on their own paths to self fulfillment.

That's the part I'm still struggling with, learning to let go of the person who I thought loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Becuase that person was the product of an illusion created by them, which you & I are now having to deal with the ramifications of doing nothing more than being trusting and believing them when they said things.