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Attempt to meet someone, would you critique my message?

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Brianruns10
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01 Jan 2013, 1:21 pm

Everyone there was part of a couple. I was literally the only single person there.

I was pretty embarrassed and ashamed of myself. But at least, I was able to keep busy helping clean up stuff, and serve the dessert I brought. At least, they'll see me as being helpful and capable of contributing something, than just being the pathetic single guy.

And to those who think I see a woman as the solution to my problems....screw you.

My problem is I'm lonely. Not that I'm unhappy with my life, or see a woman as filling a void. I have a very rich life. I make award winning television programs. I cook, I restore antiques, I travel, I'm an athlete. It's just I have no one to share these things with. I have a lot of love to give, and I think the window is closing for me. I need to find someone soon, or else everyone will think there is something wrong with me, and they won't want to be around me. I've got to find someone so I won't be so lonely all the time, so I can have somebody to be with during the holidays and weekends, to travel with and just enjoy life. I'm sick of being the only single guy at parties. My God, thanksgiving was me, my parents, my grandma, a couple of divorcees in my family, and my drug addict and convict cousins. PATHETIC. I'm not going to spend another evening like that. I want to build my own family to enjoy these times with.

I must find someone. I will find someone. I must do it now!



Ann2011
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01 Jan 2013, 1:26 pm

I think your original message is fine. You have to be pro-active if you want results.
I hope you keep us posted as to what happens next.
Don't put all your hopes and dreams onto one person though; everyone has faults and no one is going to check all of the boxes. My advice: relax and see how things go. If it doesn't work out, just keep looking. I had good luck with OkCupid.



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01 Jan 2013, 2:03 pm

Yeah, I would have been one of the people who suggested sending it as is. The amount of 'creep' rendered will be due to how the mutual friend presents the situation to the girl you're interested in so this way, it's pretty much out of your hands. Not only that, but I'd assume most women are flattered when a friend tells them they know a guy who's interested. I completely agree that anything is better than nothing and in this case, anything wasn't such a bad idea. Most of the guys I know that have had a lot of success in the dating game, are the ones who throw social norms out the window and brazenly confront the person they like, sometimes, to the extent of annoying her until she appears to 'concede' and they end up a happy couple.


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wtfid2
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01 Jan 2013, 2:32 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I just sent the message. I DID something. To hell with what people think, I'm trying to improve my situation, dammit.

Thanks for nothing.
nice work man....you had nothing to lose sending it except some very bad friends and a woman not worth your time anyway if she ignored it


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wtfid2
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01 Jan 2013, 3:44 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
I think your original message is fine. You have to be pro-active if you want results.
I hope you keep us posted as to what happens next.
Don't put all your hopes and dreams onto one person though; everyone has faults and no one is going to check all of the boxes. My advice: relax and see how things go. If it doesn't work out, just keep looking. [b] I had good luck with OkCupid.
Gender: Female :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:


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Ann2011
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01 Jan 2013, 3:56 pm

wtfid2 wrote:
Gender: Female :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

Men have less success with OkCupid? I suppose there's more men than women on the site.



BlueMax
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01 Jan 2013, 4:28 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
wtfid2 wrote:
Gender: Female :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

Men have less success with OkCupid? I suppose there's more men than women on the site.

Correct on both counts.



MCalavera
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01 Jan 2013, 8:42 pm

windtreeman wrote:
Yeah, I would have been one of the people who suggested sending it as is. The amount of 'creep' rendered will be due to how the mutual friend presents the situation to the girl you're interested in so this way, it's pretty much out of your hands. Not only that, but I'd assume most women are flattered when a friend tells them they know a guy who's interested. I completely agree that anything is better than nothing and in this case, anything wasn't such a bad idea. Most of the guys I know that have had a lot of success in the dating game, are the ones who throw social norms out the window and brazenly confront the person they like, sometimes, to the extent of annoying her until she appears to 'concede' and they end up a happy couple.


I can see the girl being flattered rather than creeped out if it was a hot stud who did it. But I have a very bad feeling, and I do genuinely believe I end up being wrong big time, that she will be creeped out once she finds out who the guy is exactly.

Messaging her on Facebook would've been a more proactive thing to do.



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02 Jan 2013, 1:50 am

MCalavera wrote:
windtreeman wrote:
Yeah, I would have been one of the people who suggested sending it as is. The amount of 'creep' rendered will be due to how the mutual friend presents the situation to the girl you're interested in so this way, it's pretty much out of your hands. Not only that, but I'd assume most women are flattered when a friend tells them they know a guy who's interested. I completely agree that anything is better than nothing and in this case, anything wasn't such a bad idea. Most of the guys I know that have had a lot of success in the dating game, are the ones who throw social norms out the window and brazenly confront the person they like, sometimes, to the extent of annoying her until she appears to 'concede' and they end up a happy couple.


I can see the girl being flattered rather than creeped out if it was a hot stud who did it. But I have a very bad feeling, and I do genuinely believe I end up being wrong big time, that she will be creeped out once she finds out who the guy is exactly.

Messaging her on Facebook would've been a more proactive thing to do.
messaging her after never knowing her is far more creepy than asking a mutual friend to hook her up with him. Worst case scenario he comes off as a creep, at least he tried.


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albeniz
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02 Jan 2013, 2:09 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
But at least, I was able to keep busy helping clean up stuff, and serve the dessert I brought. At least, they'll see me as being helpful and capable of contributing something


This is good positive thinking.

Brianruns10 wrote:
My problem is I'm lonely. Not that I'm unhappy with my life, or see a woman as filling a void. I have a very rich life. I make award winning television programs. I cook, I restore antiques, I travel, I'm an athlete. It's just I have no one to share these things with. I have a lot of love to give, and I think the window is closing for me. I need to find someone soon, or else everyone will think there is something wrong with me, and they won't want to be around me. I've got to find someone so I won't be so lonely all the time, so I can have somebody to be with during the holidays and weekends, to travel with and just enjoy life.


Idem, although I don't necessarily agree with the comment about the window closing and your urgency. I think you will find that moving into your thirties you will slowly gain an advantage. Many girls at that age are coming out of failed LTRs, have matured somewhat and have a better idea of what they want - often more mature men. They also have a biological clock ticking away: even if you are not interested in children at least they will be more proactive in coming towards you rather than you having to do the hard work.

Be patient.



BlueMax
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02 Jan 2013, 2:30 am

Well - how did it go? ;)



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02 Jan 2013, 3:01 am

OP, I'm going to slap you around a little, and not like some of the others in this thread. I slap special.

You kind of vaguely know a woman that you're kind of interested in. Here's how you talk about how fascinating she is to you, how special she is, how great the two of you might get along, how interested you are in her, your general opinion of her, what you would love to talk about with her, what she would love to talk about with you, what she enjoys that you would enjoy too, how much respect you have for something she does, etc.:

Quote:
I need to find someone soon, or else everyone will think there is something wrong with me, and they won't want to be around me. I've got to find someone so I won't be so lonely all the time, so I can have somebody to be with during the holidays and weekends, to travel with and just enjoy life.


Oh wait, you didn't say ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

You're viewing her like a starving animal would view the corpse of a rat. THANK GOD, FOOD I DON'T HAVE TO HUNT!

That's where you went wrong.

Not in messaging someone about someone else, or in how you phrased a certain sentence or whatever, or in whether or not to click a certain button, or when. Where you went wrong was making your interest in this woman about your interest in any woman, or even a man.

YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER AS IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPECIAL.

Think hard about that, because that's why this will likely fail. And that's what you need to work on in the future. If you want friends, focus on making friends. If you want a special partner for life, who you think is the most special person in the world, and who thinks that you're the most special person in the world, then that's a totally different feeling, and you don't sound like you're ready for that yet.

The starving animal needs to be a little less starving before it can remember that dead rat tastes like s**t.

And women (and men!) are tuned to recognize starving animals. Not because we hate lonely people or anything of the sort. Rather, it's because someone who is attracted to us out of desperation isn't really picking us because we're special to them. And because we're not special to them, when the time comes that they find someone who *is* special to them, they'll leave. Or they'll stay and be profoundly unhappy. Hell, they'll be unhappy whether they find someone special or not.

Focus on making some friends.

You're a man, you have plenty of time. We're like wine, we get better with age.

Make some friends so that you aren't starving. Use online dating or something to go on lots of sucky dates. Then when you go on one with the right person, you'll know they're the right person.

And you'll know WHY they're the right person.


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yellowtamarin
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02 Jan 2013, 5:35 am

^^^ :D



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02 Jan 2013, 8:44 am

JBlitzen wrote:
OP, I'm going to slap you around a little, and not like some of the others in this thread. I slap special.

You kind of vaguely know a woman that you're kind of interested in. Here's how you talk about how fascinating she is to you, how special she is, how great the two of you might get along, how interested you are in her, your general opinion of her, what you would love to talk about with her, what she would love to talk about with you, what she enjoys that you would enjoy too, how much respect you have for something she does, etc.:

Quote:
I need to find someone soon, or else everyone will think there is something wrong with me, and they won't want to be around me. I've got to find someone so I won't be so lonely all the time, so I can have somebody to be with during the holidays and weekends, to travel with and just enjoy life.


Oh wait, you didn't say ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

You're viewing her like a starving animal would view the corpse of a rat. THANK GOD, FOOD I DON'T HAVE TO HUNT!

That's where you went wrong.

Not in messaging someone about someone else, or in how you phrased a certain sentence or whatever, or in whether or not to click a certain button, or when. Where you went wrong was making your interest in this woman about your interest in any woman, or even a man.

YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER AS IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPECIAL.

Think hard about that, because that's why this will likely fail. And that's what you need to work on in the future. If you want friends, focus on making friends. If you want a special partner for life, who you think is the most special person in the world, and who thinks that you're the most special person in the world, then that's a totally different feeling, and you don't sound like you're ready for that yet.

The starving animal needs to be a little less starving before it can remember that dead rat tastes like sh**.

And women (and men!) are tuned to recognize starving animals. Not because we hate lonely people or anything of the sort. Rather, it's because someone who is attracted to us out of desperation isn't really picking us because we're special to them. And because we're not special to them, when the time comes that they find someone who *is* special to them, they'll leave. Or they'll stay and be profoundly unhappy. Hell, they'll be unhappy whether they find someone special or not.

Focus on making some friends.

You're a man, you have plenty of time. We're like wine, we get better with age.

Make some friends so that you aren't starving. Use online dating or something to go on lots of sucky dates. Then when you go on one with the right person, you'll know they're the right person.

And you'll know WHY they're the right person.

why, yes. exactly.

(he does have friends and has been doing online dating for a while though).


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02 Jan 2013, 8:52 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
"Hi [Mutual Friend] [Creepy]

It was great seeing you and [your husband] again last night, and I'm glad things seem to be going really well for you both!

I had a question, that maybe you'd be willing to help me with.[Indecisive/Unsure] There was one person supposed to be at the party last night, who didn't come, whom you know[Stalker Vibes]

I don't know her or anything about her, but I was had hoped to meet her last night.[Desperate/Quit using words like hope] We don't know each other, and naturally I don't want to message her directly out of the blue, especially since I don't even know if she's single or spoken for. So first of all, do you know what her "status" is?

And if she does happen to be available, do you think she'd be interested in meeting? Like as one possibility, what if all four of us met for dinner sometime?[Desperate/This girl probably get loads of invites, you need to personally ask her, it looks needy asking her friend]

If you could help me, I'd really appreciate it!"[Desperate/too forward]

End of Messsage


Speak to her like you are going to woo her friend away, not like some desperate stalker guy that is seeking approval every minute.

Try this exercise, imagine you are a very confident guy with lots of value and lots to offer her, envision it, close your eyes and picture it. Now open them and write the message completely forgetting about your need of approval and insecurities.



Brianruns10
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02 Jan 2013, 12:50 pm

I give up. I just f*****g give up.

Everything I do has the wrong impact it seems. I write what I think is a thoughtful polite message, and the general response is it's creepy and I'm stalkerish.

I just don't get it. What's stalkerish about wanting to get to know somebody? I can't tell you how hard it was for me to send that message at all, because it fills me with deep shame and humiliation that I have to ask my friends for help with dating.

I'm just so damned lonely. I'm going mad with it. I just want someone who I can talk to, who I can love, and support, and who'll reciprocate, and we can be there for each other. I'm not religious, and yet I've taken to praying nightly that tomorrow would be the day I meet somebody.

How long must I struggle and try to connect before I find someone who will respond in kind? Everyone around me is dating or getting married, and I just get so mad at myself that at 28 I can't pull my s**t together and get a girlfriend...not even to make mention of actually settling down with someone.

I'm going to keep at it. At this point, I don't care if I come off as stalkerish or creepy. I'm just so sick of having no one in my life to care about. I mean, if I died right now, no one would find the body for days, I'm sure. I don't want to be forgotten. How I wish there was somebody who just...liked to call me up to say hello.