Aspie Burnout- how best to be supportive?

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appletheclown
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11 Apr 2013, 7:22 pm

LoriB wrote:

I know -_- I don't mean to be over sensitive. I know everyone always tries to share good advice here. i really do. This has been so overwhelming. There was nothing to indicate an issue until a month ago. Usually when I look back I can see signs. Bit I still can't see this. The whole thing is like a new person has moved in and I am just really thrown. I am not a stupid person and I have never been the type who was not realistic... even in my own life.

It was just as we were going through all this I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me... Until this solution came up. After that I felt a sense of peace and calm. Like this was the right thing to do. I just wanted to do the supportive things on my part. If he were an NT guy I would just flat ignore him and go in with my life. But I don't want to do more damage by doing the wrong things

I know you want the marriage to work, but you need to think of how the children view your spouse right now. It is at stressful times when men are tested in what they do, for there are little eyes watching in quiet admiration.

ThetaIn3D
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11 Apr 2013, 7:25 pm

Excellent replies here, I just wanted to offer some support for the idea of having a place in the house where he can get away from noise and over-stimulation, where he's allowed to retreat when he needs to.

And also wanted to support the idea of asking him to stay and do that instead of moving out. Maybe let him try moving out just this once, but agree to try staying in the house with a "hide-away" next time?

appletheclown
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11 Apr 2013, 7:27 pm

LoriB wrote:

Ah BlueMax.. a familiar person

he said he has been trying to do this for months. You gave such good advice on my very first post on this site and on so many topics we have both followed.

We rent a house and there really isn't a place for him to be alone. When I have seen him getting stressed I take our daughter out for the day. I can not tell you how long it has been since I have had ne time. My son isn't really an issue you don't even know he is here. All of this seems to have happened when he started working on this indi film. They shoot all night long and he doesn't function well with no sleep. It was supposed to be done in March... He is still shooting. It needs to end.

The reason I am ok with him going.. no matter how much it breaks my heart is that I have never seen him so angry and distressed. He is a very passive man.. though he got angry the one time I said that to him lol.

There is something going on. I just want to support what he is going through. I know he will not go to therapy because he was sent to so many as a vigils. He doesn't trust them. I suspect he has been practicing yoga and meditation.. he has not hidden it well bit seems to not want to share it. We are in our 40's and he has had nothing but bad experiences with relationships and lack of support so I understand his hesitation.

Seriously... at this point I just want to wake up in July .. by then I will know something.

By the way, you sound like my mother. Always caring and sweet.

BlueMax
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11 Apr 2013, 7:34 pm

LoriB wrote:

Ah BlueMax.. a familiar person

he said he has been trying to do this for months. You gave such good advice on my very first post on this site and on so many topics we have both followed.

Wha? Really? I try... gawd knows, I try.

You know... he sounds a bit like me, especially in the whole sleep thing.

I DO NOT FUNCTION as a rational, pleasant, cooperative human being when sleep-deprived. Frankly, I'm miserable.

Getting his own place is no guarantee he'll get the sleep he needs... other things (including himself) may prevent it... especially getting caught in what I call an "Aspie Loop" - where I'm obsessed about something and don't want to stop, despite my rational self SCREAMING that I need to sleep!

Since you're renting anyway, maybe you guys could look together for a new place, one that'll provide for everyone's needs (including a quiet room like a basement, even a cot & desk in a garage!!)

It'll still probably be less drain on finances to get one bigger place than two separate ones...

...for your sake, I hope this indie project doesn't last much longer.

Three cheers for trying to make it work... something my ex couldn't bother with.

appletheclown
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11 Apr 2013, 7:35 pm

LoriB wrote:

Ah BlueMax.. a familiar person

If only you were in Holland/Zeeland Michigan. There is a farm house just out off the highway, were you can go into the master bedroom closet, crawl though a latched tunnel, and into an accidentally closed off room the original builders forgot about. We stuffed it with pink panther insulation, but if you ply wooded it and put bamboo flooring on the floor, he could meditate and keep quite isolated nicely. I would like to raise my kids there, but I do not know if it is up for sale or not.

LoriB
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11 Apr 2013, 8:09 pm

That secret room sounds amazing. Seriously!

BlueMax I have thought so many times about posting... BlueMax I love you... But so many things come across differently here lol... It is just that I feel we are often so much on the same page. Your advice is real and logical.

We just signed another years lease here a month ago. There is no money for moving and deposits etc right now.. though should we get through this... And I have lots of hope we will... I think I have an idea.

Things are to the point now he is getting a place. While he is gone I am going to purge and set up our garage. Not a weekend task... If he comes back it will be equipped with a window unit ac and a workspace just for him. If I had a clue this was coming i could have done some things differently.

I know he has been desperate for a real family his whole life. I don't think him moving out is going to send him off and running. He wants what we have. He just can't sort out the details and feels he needs to get away to do it. He has told ne this. It is not my assumption. I have told him I don't want him to go but that I am behind what ever he needs. I told him he can keep his key and cone and go as he pleases.

I told him that I want a man in my life but he is the one I want. I will give him time and there is no rush but at some point I will start dating. He has thanked me many times for understanding and being supportive and as said he was sorry he has been so awful many times.

I think you are right that just getting his own place will not fix it. I know he will not sleep well there and he will want the support he gets at home. He will mis the insanity of family life because he has told me from day one how much he has wanted it. I think knowing he can do what he feels he needs to for himself is what he needs more than his own place. This is money we can not afford. But what price can you place on a person feeling they are fully supported.

The person who is closest to us feels that since I have figured out the AS and everything has been amazing that he was considering marriage and knowing his last failed and every other relationship has been awful that it freaked him out. Heck.. I don't know. I have never pressured marriage. I told him I hoped it would happen one day. but because he wanted to not because I nagged for it. ( he asked when I told him I was pregnant if I thought we should be married. i told him I wanted to marry because we were ready not because I was pregnant. He said he felt the same)

I don't know where we will land I truly hope we work out. This whole thing is breaking me into a million pieces. But if it doesn't work. A relationship with and Aspie is still what I want. The good still far outweighs the difficult

cakey
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11 Apr 2013, 11:27 pm

I also think the seperate room is a good idea and very much worth a try. I hope you get your answer when the time comes as well. It's also great that you are keeping a positive attitude on all of this.

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MjrMajorMajor
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12 Apr 2013, 12:00 am

cakey wrote:

This

appletheclown
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12 Apr 2013, 8:10 pm

Lori, the only thing I would be worried about is your kids. You seem even more knowledgeable than most of us aspies about this stuff, and from the sounds of it, you could go through a lot and still be thankful for what you have. You're tough, just make sure your kids are too.
It also sounds like you love him enough to let him go and want him to find what he needs if it is not with you, that takes a strong woman, and a strong man in the opposite situation. I only hope he decides to get back, and get hitched after his movie. To be completely honest, I don't even know how you other aspies get married or even fall in love. :cry: I only wish for you to find joy in whatever you do, and him in you and your children.

BlueMax
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12 Apr 2013, 8:19 pm

^^^ Hey, being an Aspie doesn't mean being forever alone! As awkward as I can be, I managed to keep a marriage together for ~12 years before tragic external circumstances (and a few meddlers) slowly ended it.

Aspies are just like anyone else, only with a few exaggerated points higher and lower than the average joe. The only real common theme is a reduced (not eliminated!) ability to perceive the unspoken emotions or intent of others.

I treated my sweetheart like GOLD... any special lady would be lucky to have me! (So long as I remember to sleep so I don't get grumpy, and avoid getting stuck in an Aspie-loop on the computer and ignore her for too long!) :oops:

LoriB
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12 Apr 2013, 8:30 pm

I am not sure by your post if you assume I am Aspie as well. I am NT. And as much ad most of my post has been about him and us.. I am very careful with the kids as well. My 14 year old is Aspie as well and I have always been upfront with him. We have spoken at length about it. I assured him that he has nothing to do with he or his sister or even me. He asked questions and felt comfortable with it. When we were dine he said "mom, I thing this is not an ending it is a mending" I told him I hope he is right and that if he isn't we will all still care for each other. It I nothing I can explain to the two year old. The fortunate thing about the filming is he has been gone a whole lot so she will not notice as much, and he still plans to be in her life and spend time with her. He feels it is important she not resent him. On a happy note .. tonight he seems more relaxed. We have actually had a nice evening. She was especially wild tonight. I am sure she picks up on the tension. I think once it gets moving along things will fall into place.

I have also decided to see a therapist. My mom has seen one for years who told her long before I realized it that although he could not diagnose him without ever meeting him it sounds like AS. She saw him yesterday and I feel that based on the things he told her that he has a good knowledge of AS and can at least help me get through this time.

LoriB
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12 Apr 2013, 8:34 pm

BlueMax . If you are anything like my bf she could have just said.. hey honey. You have been stuck in your computer a lot lately.. can we have some time without it soon? I have to say 99% of the time he turned it off right then.. if not the next night he left it off. You just need someone who knows how to talk to you and I have no doubt you are quite the catch.

LoriB
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12 Apr 2013, 8:42 pm

BlueMax
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12 Apr 2013, 11:05 pm

LoriB wrote:

BlueMax . If you are anything like my bf she could have just said.. hey honey. You have been stuck in your computer a lot lately.. can we have some time without it soon? I have to say 99% of the time he turned it off right then.. if not the next night he left it off. You just need someone who knows how to talk to you

That phrase would've worked SO well! My ex always made her request in the form of an angry demand which was seldom met with the joyous excitement she seemed to expect... :roll:

Quote:

and I have no doubt you are quite the catch.

Easy now, you behave yourself.

You're spoken for and I plan to remain a monk until my whole custody arrangement is finally settled... But thanks for the compliment (and for being one of the rare Aspie-friendly ladies out there!!)
:thumright:

Kjas
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13 Apr 2013, 4:50 am

LoriB wrote:

My aspie boyfriend is on an absolute burnout and system overload. I have never seen him like this. We have decided that rather than him attempt to work through it while living with us (me, our daughter and my son) he will be getting his own place. He says he hopes we can go back to being a family at some point. I am fully supportive of the decision to move out as I know he has been trying unsuccessfully to resolve it while staying.

I just don't know how best to be supportive during this time. I understand that I can't fix it for him or speed it along. I just need some input from those who process his way on what would be helpful to you.

He is currently still at home and asked that I just "be normal" and I have been. I have not taken offense when he is short with me and when he says "I can't focus" usually due to him trying to do something while our 2 1/2 year old is being loud, I ask her if she would like to play with me in the other room... very casually. We are steady as he is looking for a place. He seems somewhat better since the decision has been made but it is still clear to me and him too that he needs this time alone.

When he moves he has asked I drop her off with him before work so he can take her to the sitter so we will be face to face 5 days a week for a minute or two. I know I will need to follow his lead and pay attention to his requests.. but would you want a random text? How often... once a day every three or four days? We have been eating Paleo since January and we each try out new recipes.. should I bring him a sample if something turns out well? ( I mean when I am droping her off not making a special trip out)

I am an affectionate nurturing person and when all this started and before I knew he was burned out I would send him loving supportive emails and text and now I realize that just overwhelmed him more. I want to be supportive and not make this period worse on him.. I just don't know what the right things to do are. I know what not to do... many many text/emails.. nothing long.. nothing that puts pressure on like I love you.. or when do you want to come over etc. (he said he wants to still come see us and make dinner sometimes) but what would help YOU? What would YOU find helpful in this situation?

Once every 3 days doesn't sound too extreme, that's pretty manageable.
If something works out well with recipes, there shouldn't be a problem with dropping off a little bit - it's good he's still actively trying to be involved.

I can't say that agree with others suggestion that he should stay. While I understand that with anything less than a burnout, that would be the obvious answer, in this case it would likely cause him to implode completely and accidently destroy the relationship in the process.

The separate room part is a great, and in future, probably extremely necessary suggestion.
One thing you could do in that regard is find out what calms him down, and place a few of those small items in the room (sometime in future).

What would probably help me is having "time out" with my partner, one on one, at least occasionally. Even if he's in burnout mode, he is still going to need some one on one time with you and that will definitely help and be a nice break, assuming it's not too extended. Probably one of the things now that is contributing is that he probably doesn't get any or only gets very little one on one time with you (without the kids). As strange as that sounds, time out with a partner (even an NT) can be very helpful in small doses occasionally.

Apart from that, it will probably be small but practical things - rather than the emotionally driven verbal stuff that you instinctively tired first. Ask him if he prefers texts or emails. Try and incorporate small things that you know he likes when you do see him. There are a million small things here that could help - but since you know him, you will know what will work best.

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LoriB
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13 Apr 2013, 6:54 am

BlueMax I have realized that men and women and men in general have difficulty communicating. A man is fact based just say what you want clearly (and nicely) and 9 times out of 10 you get just that. But women expect you to read their mind. I mean that seriously. Oh if he loved me he would know I want.... An NT guy can at least pick up on the subtle clues that start before her head spins. Poor Aspirant never see it coming. Learning to communicate with he and my son have made me a much better communicator and I now see how rediculous a woman's way really is. I have to say I have been happier, less stressed and calmer in my whole life not just at home since I have figured this out. I keep saying I am going to write a book lol

And being Aspie friendly is easy. There is some degree of predictibility once you learn the "rules" and I really hope the custody is settled quickly. It is a CHILD'S right to have equal access to both parents. Provided there is no abuse or addiction. Which I am sure in your case there isnt

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Aspie Burnout- how best to be supportive?