FWB relationships - your opinion?

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IlovemyAspie
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13 May 2013, 12:42 pm

Quote:

,,,,it's rare when one party doesn't develop feelings for the other.

Quote:

It sounds like where a guy and girl pretend to be just friends, but then when one of them gets a real boyfriend/girlfriend the other one gets mad of course and proves it was fake.

I can of course only speak for myself but last year I had my first and last FWB experience and as mentioned above it ended when he found a real girlfriend. And also as mentioned above I develped feelings for him however the feelings were not reciprocated. This left me crushed and devasted even though this arrangement was initally mutual. I thought that I could handle this type of thing but I soon found out that I'm not FWB material. Sex=emotions. There's no other way around it for me. I know how to be a friend. I know how to be more than friends. I don't know how to be in between the two. I tried and can honestly say it's not for me. I'm an all or nothing person. I need to pour everything into a relationship. FWB is only giving part of yourself and I can't do that.

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Ferrus91
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13 May 2013, 12:50 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:

I remember when I was 20 and working at that gas station, most of us that worked there hung out together and went out to bars or to each others houses to party on weekends, etc. We would bring dates as well. One of the guys who worked there got his older brother a job there. This guy was maybe 25 and really awkward socially, didn't do much to make himself look good, didn't go out or do anything really except hang out with this one friend of his. He mentioned during a conversation that he was a virgin and we all pounced right on that and made it our mission to get the boy laid. Several of us took him shopping and to get a different hair cut, he wouldn't try contacts so we got him to just leave his glasses off since he wouldn't get a different type of frames even though the one guy in the group who had tons of money had said he would pay for them. We taught him how to dance and a few of the guys taught him how to talk to girls and he practiced on me and the other girl in the group. We took him out to bars during the week a few times when it wasn't really crowded so he could get used to it because he didn't like noise, and he could practice talking to some girls there. Finally we took him out for the real deal. It took us two nights in a row at this one bar, and the help of the really cute and smooth guy in the group who had all the girls all the time, but we got the boy laid. He started going out some after that and wasn't so shy around girls and within about six months he actually had a girlfriend for the first time in his life. We had all been completely shocked that he was a virgin.

I have a group of friends try to do the same - I'm not a virgin as such but that is thanks to the miracle that is the internet, but I've not had a girlfriend as such - but not so comprehensively (and thus unsuccessfully). My problem is I have a strong dislike of being told what to do by other people in my private life (i.e. that portion of my life where I am not a paid employee or student), to the point where I'd rather sabotage my own well being than taking directions from someone else.

Last edited by Ferrus91 on 13 May 2013, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cakey
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13 May 2013, 12:51 pm

appletheclown wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

appletheclown wrote:

I feel it demeaning because the only purpose would be sex. FWB is just something I'd rather not be a part of. Like I said, I would feel I was stealing from the other party, it wouldn't feel morally right. I have little chance at it so it might as well be through marriage, those are just my thoughts.

But whats wrong with the purpose just being sex? You said it wouldn't feel morally right, do you feel that way for religious reasons or for some other reason?

In my opinion there are two types of FWB relationships. There is the "booty call" type, where the two people don't ever really see each other except for sex. They don't talk on the phone or FB or hang out or anything, it's just for sex and only sex. The other type is two actual friends who like each other and enjoy each others company but while they don't have any romantic feelings for each other, they are physically attracted to each other and act on it.

Sex is a sacred bond, when man & woman become one in flesh and blood. I don't think it is only religious, I'd be feeling extremely guilty. In my view, sexual misdeeds on another are greater a crime than murder.

I agree almost with this, except for the murder stuff lol. But it is really true that a typical FWB relationship, there is ONE person who does feel romantically for the other person, or feelings do develop. Foir myself, I wouldn't want to be used simply for sex and if I do have sex it's with someone I love, not just for pleasure. If one has sex with people for simple pleasure, then how will one express true love for the one they actually love? Will they just do what they did with the FWB person? That just wouldn't make it special. In addition, I personally develop an attachment if I become intimate, and I couldn't stay on the line of simple friendship. So I don't play in that field.

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OliveOilMom
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13 May 2013, 12:59 pm

appletheclown wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

appletheclown wrote:

I've never felt that I became one with anybody by having sex. I also don't see it as a sacred bond. To me it's really just physical. I can have sex without any sort of emotional involvement and I can get emotionally involved with someone without sex. I guess we can agree to disagree about this, some people feel one way about sex and some feel another way I suppose.

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Tyri0n
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13 May 2013, 1:30 pm

appletheclown wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

appletheclown wrote:

Lol, that sounds pretty extreme. I know you're religious, but the Bible/Torah nowhere supports the idea that consensual sex is more serious than murder. The Koran is even more permissive. Rape is punishable by death according to the Bible and the Koran, but that's a different matter than FWB.

Spoiling a girl's virginity consensually in the Bible was punished by a fine of one ox or 150 shekels -- and that's only because it was a marketable commodity. It was basically a form of restitution to the father. That's it.

FWB could always lead to something more. It doesn't have to be meaningless. But if not, then so be it. Seems like too many aspies don't get out enough so are way too traditional for their own good. lol

IlovemyAspie
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13 May 2013, 1:51 pm

Quote:

I wouldn't want to be used simply for sex and if I do have sex it's with someone I love, not just for pleasure. If one has sex with people for simple pleasure, then how will one express true love for the one they actually love? Will they just do what they did with the FWB person? That just wouldn't make it special. In addition, I personally develop an attachment if I become intimate, and I couldn't stay on the line of simple friendship. So I don't play in that field.

This^^

For me the giving of myself is the ultimate expression of love. I often wondered if sex was purely for physical enjoyment for a particular person, what would their ulitmate expression of love be? What would make me more special than anyone else? Certainly not the fact that we had sex if there's nothing attached to it except for pleasure.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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13 May 2013, 2:08 pm

I was against it before.

Now I am indifferent, I wouldn't mind it.

mds_02
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13 May 2013, 2:09 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:

I often wondered if sex was purely for physical enjoyment for a particular person, what would their ulitmate expression of love be?

That I've given up all other women for her. That I live with her. That I've chosen to spend every spare moment with her. That I share everything with her, all the things that I would never tell another living soul.

I may have had sex in the past just for pleasure, but there are parts of me far more private and personal and valuable than mere sexuality, parts of me that I never shared with any woman before her.

The_Face_of_Boo
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13 May 2013, 2:10 pm

cakey wrote:

appletheclown wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

appletheclown wrote:

And in a regular relationship, both parties are used for love, and for many mutual benefits too.

At least in FWB, it's one mutual benefit.

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13 May 2013, 2:22 pm

cakey wrote:

I do have sex it's with someone I love, not just for pleasure. If one has sex with people for simple pleasure, then how will one express true love for the one they actually love? Will they just do what they did with the FWB person?

If the only difference you can find between being with a friend and being with a partner is the sexual intercourse, I'm afraid you were never really in love.

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appletheclown
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13 May 2013, 2:35 pm

Greb wrote:

cakey wrote:

If the only difference you can find between being with a friend and being with a partner is the sexual intercourse, I'm afraid you were never really in love.

That isn't what she meant Greb. She meant she wants to have sex with someone she adores like a husband or fiance. Her next sentence is just showing that loveless sex is similar to FWB because they do not have love, they are just "FRIENDS". Some one will always feel left out once the with benifits part is over.

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appletheclown
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13 May 2013, 2:39 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:

I often wondered if sex was purely for physical enjoyment for a particular person, what would their ulitmate expression of love be? What would make me more special than anyone else?

Taking a lethal blow to save you, I would imagine. It is the ultimate sacrifice, and why many dead soldiers receive the medal of honor after they die.

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Last edited by appletheclown on 13 May 2013, 2:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MXH
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13 May 2013, 2:40 pm

I think that with all my personality defects and things like commitment issues and what not a solid fab would be my best if only chance

appletheclown
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13 May 2013, 2:46 pm

MXH wrote:

I think that with all my personality defects and things like commitment issues and what not a solid fab would be my best if only chance

Commitment issues eh? Is being stuck with a lady who wants to jump in the shower with you, take you to her nerd conventions, show you off to all her friends, cuddle around you Every Night, help you through your burnouts, cheer you up, and you the same for her really that bad? I would love to come home to a smiling face, and be that smiling face for someone else so very much. Wouldn't you?

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Tyri0n
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13 May 2013, 3:09 pm

appletheclown wrote:

MXH wrote:

I think that with all my personality defects and things like commitment issues and what not a solid fab would be my best if only chance

Yes, men can have commitment issues (really?). No, many men are not wired to be romantic or to fall in love. In fact, many women are similar; society just puts more pressure on them, so they feel worse about themselves than we do for the exact same behavior.

I think Evolution created two types of men. First, there are the men whose primary evolutionary asset is to be a nurturer and raise children and goats; this trait popped into the evolutionary tree around the time of human settlement. Second, there are men whose primary assets lie in other areas, the killer or conqueror -- this is an older and more archetypal type of man, but one who has been successful in all eras, including the present one. A killer/conqueror man who has a FWB with one or more killer/conqueror women is a completely valid form of lifestyle (I'm not saying that we need killers and conquerors in modern society, but that the type is valid and the skills can be put to other uses, such as politics or business).

Historically, most men and about a third of women have admired the killer/conqueror type while about 2/3 of women have primarily admired the nurturer type. The women attacking the PUA crowd on the other thread is primarily comprised of women who admire the nurturer type. They are trying to impose their values on other men and women, which is what you're doing here.

No one is superior or inferior. There are just differences.

appletheclown
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13 May 2013, 4:15 pm

Tyri0n wrote:

appletheclown wrote:

MXH wrote:

I think that with all my personality defects and things like commitment issues and what not a solid fab would be my best if only chance

I have family and friends in the military, killers and conquerors by your definition, and believed in committed relationships all the same. If it means that much to you, go have sex see what it gets you in life. Imposing my values would be forcing someone to believe what I do. Telling someone how I view a subject is not imposing anything. I view love as sacred, if you don't, that is your loss. I can't impose anything on the internet anyways, it is impossible. Nice try though, i did always wonder how someone would try and teleport through a computer screen.

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