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Poly relationships, opinions?

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OliveOilMom
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13 May 2013, 5:47 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Stargazer43 wrote:
I consider it to be socially and morally reprehensible, but everyone has a right to do that sort of thing if they so choose.


Why is it reprehensible? If you consider it morally wrong, is that because of religious views? Also, how is it socially wrong? I can understand someone objecting to it on moral grounds, but how could it be wrong on social grounds?


It's due to a combination of religious views and personal implications. There's already far too many STDs and unplanned pregnancies floating around in this world, and engaging in those kind of promiscuous behaviors only serve to increase the risk of both (being both safe and educated helps, but only goes so far). Not to mention that those sorts of relationships can often be emotionally confusing, and are often based purely on sex. Like I said if people want to engage in those behaviors it's their right and I have no problem with that, but I will never condone or support it myself.


Actually, it's not promiscuous if it's just those three people. If nobody has one at the beginning of the relationship then nobody will get one as long as nobody messes around outside the relationship. And, it's not just based purely on sex. While it can start out that way it's possible to develop deep feelings for someone and it's possible to have deep feelings for more than one person at a time. I have some pretty serious feelings for Ole Boy, and of course also for my husband. That started out as something casual when my marriage was falling apart and ended up with us having feelings for each other. DH knows and doesn't seem to care, so it's all good here. And of course I use condoms.

The risk of unplanned pregnancy isn't really more than it would be in a regular two person relationship. People who don't want kids should use birth control. If it's a monogamous poly relationship, where nobody messes around outside of the relationship then the girl can take birth control. That usually works well.

Actually, the reason I even thought about it is that it's not just based on sex. If I didn't have feelings for both of them I wouldn't want a relationship with them both. Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time, romantically?


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Feralucce
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13 May 2013, 7:17 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Stargazer43 wrote:
I consider it to be socially and morally reprehensible, but everyone has a right to do that sort of thing if they so choose.


Why is it reprehensible? If you consider it morally wrong, is that because of religious views? Also, how is it socially wrong? I can understand someone objecting to it on moral grounds, but how could it be wrong on social grounds?


It's due to a combination of religious views and personal implications. There's already far too many STDs and unplanned pregnancies floating around in this world, and engaging in those kind of promiscuous behaviors only serve to increase the risk of both (being both safe and educated helps, but only goes so far). Not to mention that those sorts of relationships can often be emotionally confusing, and are often based purely on sex. Like I said if people want to engage in those behaviors it's their right and I have no problem with that, but I will never condone or support it myself.


Promiscuous? promiscuous implies a casual element... indulging in casual and indiscriminate sexual relationships.

Polyamorous does not. pertaining to partipation in multiple and simultaneous loving relationships.

I believe we have a disconnect between your impression and the meaning of the word.

This is coming from someone who has been in a polyamorous relationship. believe it or not, most Poly people are FAR more discerning and picky about their partners than almost anyone else... someone that is in a polyamorous relationship has to consider, not only their feelings in the situation, but the well being of their other partners as well...

There have been a couple studies that showed there were lower incidents of STDs than in many other romantic situations...

So, your oppositional stance boils down to a religious stance. Morals are relative...


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13 May 2013, 7:20 pm

Cilantro wrote:
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I have a hard enough time keeping myself happy - even more effort goes into keeping my wife happy, as well - to even consider a polyamorous relationship (or even an affair or one-night stand).
While I'm not married, this pretty much sums up my views. I don't know how I'd balance multiple relationships on top of all the other things in life that need attention, myself included. I know some people are more low-maintenance than others, but it still seems like more trouble than it's worth when one relationship has plenty to offer. I don't know how I'd handle jealousy and having to worry about not being second place in my own relationship (probably not very well).

It baffles me how someone who can not get along with his or her spouse already could think that things would be better if only he or she would start another relationship and have an affair.



OliveOilMom
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13 May 2013, 7:24 pm

Fnord wrote:
Cilantro wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I have a hard enough time keeping myself happy - even more effort goes into keeping my wife happy, as well - to even consider a polyamorous relationship (or even an affair or one-night stand).
While I'm not married, this pretty much sums up my views. I don't know how I'd balance multiple relationships on top of all the other things in life that need attention, myself included. I know some people are more low-maintenance than others, but it still seems like more trouble than it's worth when one relationship has plenty to offer. I don't know how I'd handle jealousy and having to worry about not being second place in my own relationship (probably not very well).

It baffles me how someone who can not get along with his or her spouse already could think that things would be better if only he or she would start another relationship and have an affair.


It kind of worked for me. I don't get as upset at DH's behavior as before because he's not the only fish in the sea and because I don't get as upset I'm nicer to him and that takes some pressure off him so he acts better and he doesn't always have to be the one to listen to me talk about things that are bothering me or that I'm concerned about or just want to talk about, so he gets a little more peace and quiet and I don't think he's in any way threatened by Ole Boy, so he's relaxed about everything. Plus, right now he's having lots of problems with sex because he wont go get a prescription for Viagra and the fact that I'm not bugging him about it all the time now probably makes him feel a lot better. He's actually able to do it more often now that there's not a lot of pressure about it.


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Feralucce
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13 May 2013, 7:30 pm

Fnord wrote:
Cilantro wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I have a hard enough time keeping myself happy - even more effort goes into keeping my wife happy, as well - to even consider a polyamorous relationship (or even an affair or one-night stand).
While I'm not married, this pretty much sums up my views. I don't know how I'd balance multiple relationships on top of all the other things in life that need attention, myself included. I know some people are more low-maintenance than others, but it still seems like more trouble than it's worth when one relationship has plenty to offer. I don't know how I'd handle jealousy and having to worry about not being second place in my own relationship (probably not very well).

It baffles me how someone who can not get along with his or her spouse already could think that things would be better if only he or she would start another relationship and have an affair.


I guess I am odd in this... I married my soul mate... We don't fight, we are happy, we get along, she gets me and translates what the NTs mean... Don't get me wrong, we did fight... once... for six months... straight... all waking hours... but once that issue was resolved (she thought I knew what I had done and was playing games... once she told me what the issue was, I rectified the problem instantly...) Since then... we have never had an issue...

We both agree with the poly life and, it works for us...

That being said, I know many many many poly people that cannot and should not try to succeed in a poly lifestyle... if there is an ounce of jealousy in you... it is not for you


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13 May 2013, 7:30 pm

I would be poly is anyone would love me back.


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Feralucce
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13 May 2013, 8:55 pm

pudding, please check your private message inbox.


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auntblabby
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13 May 2013, 10:06 pm

I can't help but think that a lot of aspies here on WP would be highly envious of all these superhigh-functioning aspies who can love multiple people at once[!] when a lot of folks here can't even rate ONE partner. :hmph:



Feralucce
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13 May 2013, 10:28 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I can't help but think that a lot of aspies here on WP would be highly envious of all these superhigh-functioning aspies who can love multiple people at once[!] when a lot of folks here can't even rate ONE partner. :hmph:


I disagree with that statement... We ALL rate people loving us... So many Aspies cut themselves short... they stop any possible relationship short because they have been hurt in the past. Many of us... are unable to see past that pain and open themselves up to the possibility...

You have to be open to it, and then it can happen... I did it... and I have all the awkward...I am surprised there is enough awkward to go around for anyone else... Let me just say, if I can do it with social anxiety and crowd triggered PTSD, I am sure we all can...

I am not exceptionally high functioning... I had someone who got me... who understood me... (the soul mate) who trained me... who helped me to learn to communicate with NTs...

Without being open to it... it will never happen... but if you are open to the possibility and put yourself out there... we all have a chance...

Ironically enough, the people that I hear saying that they don't warrant a partner are some of the most lovable people I know... Also on the ironic side... there are a great many NTs that feel that they are unworthy or incapable of finding a partner.


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13 May 2013, 10:35 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I can't help but think that a lot of aspies here on WP would be highly envious of all these superhigh-functioning aspies who can love multiple people at once[!] when a lot of folks here can't even rate ONE partner. :hmph:


I agree.



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13 May 2013, 11:35 pm

I call it cheating and would drop someone like a hot potato if they asked or expressed interest in it. The way I see it if you ask, you don't want me anymore; you 2ant another, probably far more beautiful woman you've probably already picked out if not fooled around with. But I won't judge someone I'm not dating for it.


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Feralucce
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13 May 2013, 11:42 pm

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
I call it cheating and would drop someone like a hot potato if they asked or expressed interest in it. The way I see it if you ask, you don't want me anymore; you 2ant another, probably far more beautiful woman you've probably already picked out if not fooled around with. But I won't judge someone I'm not dating for it.


If both agree on it, it's not cheating, any more than a three way is... cheaters hide their actions... POLY couples engage in it wilfully and together...


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OliveOilMom
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13 May 2013, 11:57 pm

Feralucce wrote:
EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
I call it cheating and would drop someone like a hot potato if they asked or expressed interest in it. The way I see it if you ask, you don't want me anymore; you 2ant another, probably far more beautiful woman you've probably already picked out if not fooled around with. But I won't judge someone I'm not dating for it.


If both agree on it, it's not cheating, any more than a three way is... cheaters hide their actions... POLY couples engage in it wilfully and together...


Years ago I had a three way once with DH and a good guy friend of ours. DH handled it well, in fact it was his idea. The guys didn't do anything together though, in fact they went out of their way to not touch each other. I found out later that he was messing around with that guys wife behind the guys back. His friend didn't mind though. I was furious though. I think that he brought up the idea of a three way so that maybe either he wouldn't feel so guilty or maybe he could use that to throw up at me for when I found out about it. He tried that, it did not work. I was still furious. I don't think the three way was cheating either. What he did was though.

That was one of the last times I ever drank tequila too.


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Feralucce
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14 May 2013, 12:33 am

absolutely... because everyone involved in the relationships was not aware... THAT was cheating


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14 May 2013, 3:49 am

If everyone is honest with each other I have no problem with it.


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14 May 2013, 6:21 am

I have a feeling that, if these relationships become the norm, all women will end up with a few men, the rest perhaps not seeing a woman in their whole lives. It just seems the natural order, and, in fact, I’m surprised it’s not in effect already.