NT wife still struggling....

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Hurry, worries me.

I often find that the more I think on a subject, my thoughts and conclusions change over time. One day, two days, five days. There are so many angles, possibilities, reasons, reactions, emotions, causes to any given event. The whole thing becomes a blur of "could be's".

Ultimately, it happened, (I expect niether of you wanted it to happen that way), what can you both learn from it.

This may be a very good learning curve for him if he puts some effort in to learning how you are both so different. Another poster on a thread here (I'll see if I can find it) make a fantastic statement. So much so I saved it to re-read over and over.

I refer to Schneekugel's comment on http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf232732-0-30.html

Hope it all works out well for you.

Hi GregCav, thanks for that. I have looked at Schneekugel's post. The examples she uses about mealtimes and the stuff about not being interested in a particular event being interpreted as meaning she's not interested in socialiasing with a particular person are all things I have encountered. My husband says to remember that he is literal, that if he says he's not interested in going to an event, that's just an expresssion of feeling and doesn't mean he won't go with me if it's important to me! Which leaves me feeling, 'how can i impose this on him if he's so uninterested' which then leads him to say I've insulted him by thinking he's such a horrible person as to not go to a concert or whatever it was with me....

Huge learning curve doesn't begin to cover it! To be fair to him, he has put a huge amount of effort into understanding the NT world (which means he's not always as literal as many AS are and sometimes I take something literally and get into trouble for not realising that on this occasion he was speaking my language!) Now that I know what's going on, I am in awe of what he has achieved in his life. The current problem is that he's become utterly overwhelmed over the past year or so and when he gets overwhelmed he needs the person he's with to step in and help with the 'translation'. Unfortunately I have only just discovered the language I'm supposed to translating but I am running like the dickens to catch up

Yes, this is a serious issue. Doing this on a consistent basis, smiling and looking after his needs while ignoring yours, is the role of a parent, not a partner. And eventually it will leave you depressed, angry, resentful.

If you have to worry all the time about how things will be taken, or whether his mood will suddenly change and things will be ruined, and he can't get this under control, then it's time to go. My guess is that you feel near tears much of the time, and it's just not necessary to spend your life feeling that way.

I'm twice your age. One of the things I've learned along the way is that trying to force people against their natures is a losing proposition for everyone involved. Think about your own nature, and what you're trying to do in order to stay in this relationship, and whether it makes any sense.

Have sex with her, NTs seem to communicate through sex best!

I have had this happen to me so many times! I have resorted to email in desperation to open communications. Anyone seeing me try to type in the middle of a fit would think me to be possessed or having a seizure, but the though of not being able to communicate makes me worse. Nothing sets me off like not being able to communicate. When people are upset they don't say why and I have to guess and guess some more. Those guess and check problems in math were easier (maybe that's because I cheated and solved them in my head first...) At any rate, I would advise email communications. This seems odd but that way the other person can be as upset they need to be and try to work out their thoughts by themselves without the other person getting more upset. Also maybe a discussion list (the paper. to do. check-box type) that way both of you know what needs to be discussed. That would not work well for me as to do lists keep going missing (yes even the ones in evernote manage to get misplaced).

Just some thoughts I had. Thanks,

Beth Koenig

When someone is overwhelmed sometimes the best thing is to let them chill out, distract themselves, sort themselves out for a while. Trying to solve anything when one person is overwhelmed or overloaded is futile.

Adding pressure in the form of "if you really loved me" won't help either. It will probably just add pressure and make them feel worse, prolonging the process for both people.

The main thing in the end is, are both parties trying to solve the problem in some way? Do both parties care at least nearly equally about the relationship being a healthy one?

NT couples can have insurmountable communication problems also.

If someone is on the spectrum and really does shut down verbally perhaps the hand held machine from "Autism is a world" would help?

His thoughts are my thoughts.

I've had a semi-relationship with a girl the last 12 months, it never quite got serious. There are many times when I've said exactly what your husband has said.

For me, it means; the event will be stressful for me, will us up an evening when I could make better use of the time (doing music practice, reading a magazine, relaxing (relaxing/unwinding is an essential need for Aspies - the mind has to unwind), ect.)

BUT:- If you would like to go to this event, I'll happily come along to; (1) be the guy in your life, (2) share in your joy of the event, (3) experience it and be able to talk about it afterward (and future) as a shared memory, (4) I don't want to control/impede your wants and desires.

No pressure.

I understand that there is pressure. But as per point (4), you've got to live your life and be capable of living your life independent of another person outside of your control. When your happyness is dependent on someone else, your in a very hard place.



We've lived umong NT's all our lives. We've had more exposure time. You're just starting, don't be too hard on yourself.

My friends at school used to translate for me some times. It was common enough that they had a name for it, he would call it "Greg speek".

I've been alone way too long since school. I think I cope mostly pretty good. But when I go down, I go alone.