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Time to make a change

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MXH
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10 Jun 2013, 6:49 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I'm not throwing anyone under the bus. You all have free will and I'm not stopping you from anything.

But I speak the truth when I say most of us won'tfind love, so we need to quit beating our heads against walls and find happiness alone.


You only speak for yourself. And until you break that into your head I suggest you stop referring to others.



Stargazer43
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10 Jun 2013, 8:41 pm

The message I got from your story was entirely different from yours. What I got is that you're a nice, like-able guy, who was able to connect on a deeper level with a friend. Where you see this situation as indicating that your case is hopeless, I see it as indicating that you have a good chance of finding someone. The fact that you were both able to confide in each other shows that you had a mutual level of trust and respect, and the fact that you could achieve that in the context of a friendship is proof alone that you could achieve it in the context of a relationship, under different circumstances. Sure, you made a semi-big social mistake, but we've all made them at one point or another, and from the sounds of things she was understanding and didn't hold it against you in the least.



Brianruns10
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10 Jun 2013, 10:33 pm

MXH wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
I'm not throwing anyone under the bus. You all have free will and I'm not stopping you from anything.

But I speak the truth when I say most of us won'tfind love, so we need to quit beating our heads against walls and find happiness alone.


You only speak for yourself. And until you break that into your head I suggest you stop referring to others.


I'm only speaking the truth as I have discovered it. And that truth is most of us will not find what we seek, and ought to seek something more attainable and equally fulfilling. It's not my problem that your mind is unable to handle what I say. You have free will. Exercise is and don't read these words. But you can't tell me what to say and what not to say.



MjrMajorMajor
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10 Jun 2013, 10:59 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
The message I got from your story was entirely different from yours. What I got is that you're a nice, like-able guy, who was able to connect on a deeper level with a friend. Where you see this situation as indicating that your case is hopeless, I see it as indicating that you have a good chance of finding someone. The fact that you were both able to confide in each other shows that you had a mutual level of trust and respect, and the fact that you could achieve that in the context of a friendship is proof alone that you could achieve it in the context of a relationship, under different circumstances. Sure, you made a semi-big social mistake, but we've all made them at one point or another, and from the sounds of things she was understanding and didn't hold it against you in the least.


+1



Brianruns10
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10 Jun 2013, 11:33 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
The message I got from your story was entirely different from yours. What I got is that you're a nice, like-able guy, who was able to connect on a deeper level with a friend. Where you see this situation as indicating that your case is hopeless, I see it as indicating that you have a good chance of finding someone. The fact that you were both able to confide in each other shows that you had a mutual level of trust and respect, and the fact that you could achieve that in the context of a friendship is proof alone that you could achieve it in the context of a relationship, under different circumstances. Sure, you made a semi-big social mistake, but we've all made them at one point or another, and from the sounds of things she was understanding and didn't hold it against you in the least.


The problem is I let my emotions get in the way, when I should've maintained control. I was her friend, and I expressed my feelings in a way that made her uncomfortable. I feel I put her in an unfair position, and hurt her, which is what I seem to do to all women: I do something to hurt them. It's unintentional but nevertheless real. I can't bear the thought of embarassing them or leaving them feeling awkward. I want to be a perfect gentlemen and a good person, and my behavior was shameful. She was too kind to me.

What it boils down to is I don't have many friends, and those that I do have, I tend to do things like this to ruin everything, when I need to learn that it is better to play it safe the keep the friendship, rather than risk all that for the slight chance of love. Because love isn't worth the risk. I'd rather be liked than loved.



MjrMajorMajor
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10 Jun 2013, 11:48 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
Stargazer43 wrote:
The message I got from your story was entirely different from yours. What I got is that you're a nice, like-able guy, who was able to connect on a deeper level with a friend. Where you see this situation as indicating that your case is hopeless, I see it as indicating that you have a good chance of finding someone. The fact that you were both able to confide in each other shows that you had a mutual level of trust and respect, and the fact that you could achieve that in the context of a friendship is proof alone that you could achieve it in the context of a relationship, under different circumstances. Sure, you made a semi-big social mistake, but we've all made them at one point or another, and from the sounds of things she was understanding and didn't hold it against you in the least.


The problem is I let my emotions get in the way, when I should've maintained control. I was her friend, and I expressed my feelings in a way that made her uncomfortable. I feel I put her in an unfair position, and hurt her, which is what I seem to do to all women: I do something to hurt them. It's unintentional but nevertheless real. I can't bear the thought of embarassing them or leaving them feeling awkward. I want to be a perfect gentlemen and a good person, and my behavior was shameful. She was too kind to me.

What it boils down to is I don't have many friends, and those that I do have, I tend to do things like this to ruin everything, when I need to learn that it is better to play it safe the keep the friendship, rather than risk all that for the slight chance of love. Because love isn't worth the risk. I'd rather be liked than loved.


A moment of awkwardness isn't going to disrupt a good friendship. She might have felt uncomfortable, or she might have been flattered. Either way, stop holding yourself to "perfect" expectations. If we all did that, we'd all be very alone.
It doesn't sound like you've ruined any relationship, and I don't think you should play it too safe out of fear of loss. Being able to openly share what's on your mind with a good friend is such a gift in itself, and eventually the relationship will settle into truth--whether it's what you envisioned or not. :)



MXH
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11 Jun 2013, 12:05 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
MXH wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
I'm not throwing anyone under the bus. You all have free will and I'm not stopping you from anything.

But I speak the truth when I say most of us won'tfind love, so we need to quit beating our heads against walls and find happiness alone.


You only speak for yourself. And until you break that into your head I suggest you stop referring to others.


I'm only speaking the truth as I have discovered it. And that truth is most of us will not find what we seek, and ought to seek something more attainable and equally fulfilling. It's not my problem that your mind is unable to handle what I say. You have free will. Exercise is and don't read these words. But you can't tell me what to say and what not to say.


My mind isn't "unable" to handle what you say, because what you say is horses**t. That YOU can not find a partner does not mean that every male with AS is unable to find a partner. Stop making yourself to be the posterboy of AS. Especially since many men in this website have girlfriends or wives. All I see is someone making excuses to justify self pity.



spongy
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11 Jun 2013, 1:27 am

Yes, you need to make a change.

In what way?

It appears to me that you focus a lot on this sort of meetings as romantic events whereas this girls see them as just two friends hanging out.
Now dont get me wrong this friendly meetings can eventually turn into some sort of romantic event but you need to give them enough time to do so.

If she wanted to give you a hug at the end of this friendly outing I would say that you are not doing too badly.
Next time try to take whatever she wants to give you and try to settle a similar meeting in the future



Venger
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11 Jun 2013, 2:58 am

For some reason the OP isn't willing to go through the trouble of getting contact-lenses instead of glasses to wear regularly. However, that would probably help him the most as far as appearance is concerned at least. :nerdy:



Brianruns10
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11 Jun 2013, 10:15 am

Venger wrote:
For some reason the OP isn't willing to go through the trouble of getting contact-lenses instead of glasses to wear regularly. However, that would probably help him the most as far as appearance is concerned at least. :nerdy:


What's wrong with glasses? The fact is I look ugly without them and I they make me feel less self concious. That and I don't want to put things in my eyes and have to deal with constantly buying more boxes. I like that I can just by a set of glasses, and I'm set for years.

I for a long time felt like I needed to change everything about me, but it did no good. Now, I'm just trying to work on being happy as I am, wearing the clothes I like to wear and just not worrying. Honestly, changing glasses won't make a difference. I'm just not what women want, but I'm finally learning to accept that, and now I'm trying to work to a place where I am happy as a single person, dedicated to my work.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Jun 2013, 12:04 pm

The biggest mistake wasn't the kiss request part but it was telling her about AS.


Dunn dunn dunnnnn SHOCKED? :lol:


Most adult girls like "bold" and "confident" guys like that (+ points) yet your calm reaction to her decline to the kiss showed you're gentleman and not aggressive/dangerous (+ points) she most probably knows already that you are interested, don't worry, most NT girls can tell that and wouldn't be surprised when a male friend guy hangs out with them in a 1-to-1 outings turns out to be interested for more. Like a lot girls, she's probably very aware and used to this scenario, don't be naive.

Try to hang out with her for more 1 to 1 outings but:

DON'T ever bring up the AS again unless she brings it up, you told her once, fine, but make sure to not make it twice. Once is opening up, twice and she'll see it as an excuse for self pity (-1000 points).

Keep the AS a private personal secret to yourself, away from those who knows nothing about it, take it with you to the grave if you have to. Telling about such stuff usually does more damage than good.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Jun 2013, 12:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

anneya
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11 Jun 2013, 12:13 pm

Can I just say that I'm female and if I wanted to kiss a guy or wanted a guy to kiss me, I perhaps might ask them for a hug in the first instance just to see where it might lead...so its not unfathomable that you could assume what you did. Keep what happened in perspective.

So you misinterpreted the situation-doing this is part of you and won't go away completely but should not hinder your hope because that is nonsense. You clearly are able to make friends-(2 friends is normal) and you appear sensitive/careful in your responses. Seems illogical to give up because a-you got it wrong this timeand/or b-she said no.

People are more resilient than you think, the more intelligent among us are more accepting and understanding of diverse personalities-especially as we get older.

A moment of awkwardness will always pass. It might be more your awkwardness worrying about other peoples awkwardness, which is making the situation awkward in the first place. I know because I do the same with people, especially those I am attracted to and I am completely unable to read non verbal signs of attraction, except eye contact. But I don't let it stop me from aspiring to live the life I want neither should you



MjrMajorMajor
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11 Jun 2013, 12:23 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The biggest mistake wasn't the kiss request part but it was telling her about AS.


Dunn dunn dunnnnn SHOCKED? :lol:


Most adult girls like "bold" and "confident" guys like that (+ points) yet your calm reaction to her decline to the kiss showed you're gentleman and not aggressive/dangerous (+ points) she most probably knows already that you are interested, don't worry, most NT girls can tell that and wouldn't be surprised when a male friend guy hangs out with them in a 1-to-1 outings turns out to be interested for more. Like a lot girls, she's probably very aware and used to this scenario, don't be naive.

Try to hang out with her for more 1 to 1 outings but:

DON'T ever bring up the AS again unless she brings it up, you told her once, fine, but make sure to not make it twice. Once is opening up, twice and she'll see it as an excuse for self pity (-1000 points).

Keep the AS a private personal secret to yourself, away from those who knows nothing about it, take it with you to the grave if you have to. Telling about such stuff usually does more damage than good.




Not dismissing your content here, but when you phrase it like that this is all I see.


Face of Boo's Guide to Dating


Image



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Jun 2013, 4:50 pm

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The biggest mistake wasn't the kiss request part but it was telling her about AS.


Dunn dunn dunnnnn SHOCKED? :lol:


Most adult girls like "bold" and "confident" guys like that (+ points) yet your calm reaction to her decline to the kiss showed you're gentleman and not aggressive/dangerous (+ points) she most probably knows already that you are interested, don't worry, most NT girls can tell that and wouldn't be surprised when a male friend guy hangs out with them in a 1-to-1 outings turns out to be interested for more. Like a lot girls, she's probably very aware and used to this scenario, don't be naive.

Try to hang out with her for more 1 to 1 outings but:

DON'T ever bring up the AS again unless she brings it up, you told her once, fine, but make sure to not make it twice. Once is opening up, twice and she'll see it as an excuse for self pity (-1000 points).

Keep the AS a private personal secret to yourself, away from those who knows nothing about it, take it with you to the grave if you have to. Telling about such stuff usually does more damage than good.




Not dismissing your content here, but when you phrase it like that this is all I see.


Face of Boo's Guide to Dating


Image


Dating IS a minefield (or dangerous traffic).

So what's your point? that he has to keep telling her about AS and how AS makes life hard for him? In the same fashion as he often does here? because, wow, that would build up attraction very fast /sarcasm.



MjrMajorMajor
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12 Jun 2013, 12:05 am

Ahem.

MjrMajorMajor wrote:

Not dismissing your content here,
]


On a second read, Face of Defensiveness, it is absolutely ridiculous to think you can closet away your AS on a long term basis. On a first date, don't mention it. A few months into a relationship, it's really time. The goal is to find the right relationship for him. Long term denial speaks to either someone who needs to come to terms with himself, or a serious dismissal of his partner.



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Jun 2013, 2:09 am

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
Ahem.
MjrMajorMajor wrote:

Not dismissing your content here,
]


On a second read, Face of Defensiveness, it is absolutely ridiculous to think you can closet away your AS on a long term basis. On a first date, don't mention it. A few months into a relationship, it's really time. The goal is to find the right relationship for him. Long term denial speaks to either someone who needs to come to terms with himself, or a serious dismissal of his partner.


But he's not months into relationship; he disclosed it way before even that, even before trying to have a relationship with her.

Yes, i am with delaying this much further (ie. after sleeping together several times), when some s**t occurs due to his AS then he can use his last shot which is telling her about AS, otherwise and if everything is going fine then there's no need to say a word about it that early.


PS: I will NEVER show my back to you, evil angel.