Engaged to be married and having problems

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Yop. Please write me in a second language a long post, and then I will blame you for your paragraph failures. ^^ I try my best, more I cant do as anyone else.

You blame me about attacking you, and the first thing you do is insulting me as a nasty being. Could you show me where in my post I insulted you? Not to share the same oppinion with you, is not the same as attacking someone.

As I wrote, I twisted them on purpose, not to make you looking bad but to proove you that they can be twisted. You cant twist anything if it cant be twisted. So if I can twist your post that easily, than simply because it can be twisted. Try twisting that oaks normally have leaves and are no needle trees. It cant be twisted, anyway how much you try. And its not an "nasty" trick, its simply something that is a major part of "violencefree communication". You try to look at things in different oppinions. First you try to look at that in the oppinion of the threadstarter. Then you try to look at that in the oppinion of his girlfriend. Its not an nasty trick, it is important to respect peoples oppinion. Simply telling yourself what a certain behaviour of someone means, but only from your own point of view is nasty, and there is even a professional term for it, its called emotional blackmail, its an official term. Saying that: "And yes, nobody should want to force someone to change and become how they want them to be. If someone likes to go out a lot and not have to keep promises about when they'll be home, fine, that's great, that's how they want to live --- but they should not have a partner who would like to spend more time with them, and they should not have a partner who would simply like to know when they'll be back home." is not only affecting her, but also him, because not only does her behaviour not perfectly fit to him but his behaviour also does not perfectly fit to her is no "nasty twisting". Its simply looking at it from both oppinions. Its not only her having a relationship with someone, that does hardly fit. Its also him having a relationship with someone, that does hardly fit. So simply both of them have to work on finding ways that goes well for them. In a relationship with two beings that are very different, you cant simply point on one of them and say "You are responsible for us having a relationship, when we dont match. So you have to do the working, so that we match." Both have.

Yop, not evil but only "very, very disrespectful and inconsiderate", "rude and lacking in sheer, plain, baseline courtesy", "It's not courteous or considerate", "crummy"... from my oppinion, it looked as if you wanted to give her the bad part. I am sorry if the word "evil" was too heavy, english is not my motherlanguage.

As I explained, that twisting as you call it is simply a basic element of relationships. Not only looking at something in your oppinion, but also in the oppinion of your partner. If you dont do that, you end up like NTs blaming Aspergers to be asocial people that dont want to socialize with others out of their oppinion. While NTs that are trying to respect the oppinion of the opposite as well simply see people that are avoiding to socialze with other people out of different issues, they are not responsible for. This is no "nasty twisting", its simply theory of mind, based on Rosenberg "violence free communication".

Nope, when I look for a fight I tell people to go with me in front of the door.

Again, having a different oppinion to you is not attacking you. Basically I wasnt concentrated on you, but I simply saw the threadstarter going to his girlfiends, demanding her to change so that she fits to him, thought of his girlfriend thinking "Why the hell should I stay with a person, that thinks that if we both have problems with each other, that I am responsible for us being different?" and ending the relationship. If the threadstarter wrote that his girlfriend was abusing him or whatever I would try to help him end it. But as I wrote it in the end the threadstarter wants to keep that relationship, but simply needs some changes in it to feel comfortable. And the best way to do that is not by blaming his partners as a "very, very disrespectful and inconsiderate", "rude and lacking in sheer, plain, baseline courtesy", "It's not courteous or considerate", "crummy" person, but simply by telling her out of his oppinion why he has problems with it, to make her understand them so that she on her side can understand them and then try to find together with him as partners solutions for their problems instead of them banging their heads and everyone trying to force his own solutions on the partner.

I dont say that my oppinion is right, I dont have a crystal bowl and prophecy powers. Its simply my own oppinion to what the threadstarter and you wrote, and only because its not matching yours, I am not attacking you. Telling my oppinion that I personally think that chocolate pudding taste the best, is not an attack to people that prefer vanilla pudding.

Maybe for right now what you could do is ask her if she could at least make to where she can go out up to 4 nights a week?
It's a fair improvement that isn't too much of you to ask her.

Being married 15 years, I have a lot of experience in this. My wife is very independent. What more, English is not her 1st language. She prefers to spend her time (besides her son and I) with people that speak a separate language. Since I am uncomfortable in those situations and have very big difficulties learning the language, that end of it frustrated me to no end. I had to learn to find my own interests and be accepting of her independent needs because being grumpy and whining will only make the relationship end. I accept that it is a privilege to have anyone stick with me because of my "issues" let alone for a long period of time.

My solution is to seek a compromise. If you cannot feel comfortable or make yourself capable of feeling comfortable in that context, the relationship should end (quickly - I call it the light switch because once I make the decision to turn it off, it stays off).

Hi Ben.
I was having trouble recalling the exact words you used to describe your situation, which I'm sure you chose with great care, so I quoted your initial summary here for ease of reference. Hope nobody minds. ^_^

There are many different kinds of relationships and they all take varying degrees of work. Beyond simply being married, there is the marriage. After a few years of being married a couple comes to a point where they decide - separately - if they are going to be in the marriage or not. I'm not talking about divorce, but a moment that lasts several months while each individual decides if this entity - the two of you together - is something they really want to support and BE. It is my opinion that most married people reach this point but never make the decision to be the marriage. They simply stay married people, or get divorced. You sometimes see these couples and they just sort of give off a feeling that they understand something beyond the rest of us. Some big secret they can see only in each other. I've been lucky enough to know 4 such people in my lifetime.

If you really love this woman and want to give that kind of relationship a try (it only gets harder after you get married, and it's okay if it doesn't work out - but it's expensive) then I think you and she need to sit down and talk honestly about what you both think you want from the relationship. That includes what you need and what you expect. It won't all happen in one sitting, either.

Please also don't be afraid of what might happen, and don't try to soften or sugar coat your concerns. It will do you no credit, nor will it ultimately help her.

If you really love someone, remember you will always lose them someday; one way or the other. Either love leaves, or you die. You cannot avoid that pain. I say that because, as terrible as it is, it can be inspiring once you get over the fear of the truth of it.

This is an amazing post thank you!

Out 6 nights a week and coming home late?
Man, you're being played like a fool.. wake up.

I have never known an NT who had to go out six nights a week. That is excessive. I think anyone would be upset if someone was always coming home late past the time they said they would be home by and it was all the time. Sure things happen that would make someone come home late but if they were doing it all the time, then it's a problem. No way can something happen every time.

I used to go out 7 nights a week in college.

It could be that she's not ready for kids yet.

She could be in the stage of her life where she still enjoys going out and having fun a lot, but she wants to do it with someone, instead of going out and having to be hit on/try to find a good guy.

She's got her man, now she wants to enjoy it.

feels like an extreme extrovert to me. Probably time to have the talk with her and find out where she wants to be in 5 years from now. Just prepare yourself for what you are going to hear