Why do women think bad luck just doesn't happen?
Yes. When most of the guys post on here asking for "advice" what they are really asking is for someone to reinforce thier scewed perceptions. They don't actually want to listen to successful Aspie types who can get dates or even been married for 25+ years (as those types go against thier preconcieved notions.) What they want is someone who will say "Yes, all girls are crazy and shallow and that's why you're unsuccesful, it has nothing to do with you."
Feeding your own sad delusions is easier than taking proactive steps to fix your attitude.
Yes. When most of the guys post on here asking for "advice" what they are really asking is for someone to reinforce thier scewed perceptions. They don't actually want to listen to successful Aspie types who can get dates or even been married for 25+ years (as those types go against thier preconcieved notions.) What they want is someone who will say "Yes, all girls are crazy and shallow and that's why you're unsuccesful, it has nothing to do with you."
Feeding your own sad delusions is easier than taking proactive steps to fix your attitude.
yay science
explains all our woes
Women tend to think long-term in relationships, and for good reason.
If you don't have trophies, money, etc. -- okay, fine. But a practical-minded woman will want to see what else you've been doing with your life and how you've managed. Are you productive in the arts? Do you take care of a sick relative? Are you devoted to community work that's more work than talk? Or are you full of reasons for why nothing has gone right for you? Do you support yourself, and if so how?
She wants to see that you know how to make something of your life, and deal with life in a reasonably practical manner. Otherwise...you might be a really lovely guy, but she knows that in a relationship, she'll wind up doing the heavy day-to-day-practical-stuff lifting on her own, or with little help from you. She may even wind up carrying you. And if she's looking to have a family someday, or is building a career, she'll probably fight shy of a situation like that. If she has a lot of aunts or girlfriends, they'll also be warning her to look for someone who can help her in life. They'll put it pretty baldly, too: "But what does he have to offer you?"
Even if you're laboring under a disability, she'll want to see: What have you done with the material you have to work with? Are you upbeat, resourceful, encouraging, a positive force?
If she's a practical woman, she probably won't care what the reasons are for how things have gone for you: she's looking at results. She won't mean it unkindly, but she also won't want to invest a lot of herself in a relationship she doesn't see going anywhere.
A mountain of logical fallacies.
Someone that fits the ideal mold of women's expectations would.....well, meet their expectations and get a date, regardless of ill or good luck.
Now....speaking of "bad luck". We all believe in it, but should someone pity you for your luck and volunteer to pity date you?
Also, why are you judging women for not wanting to date a failure? If you're not a failure you'd have nothing to worry about, am I right?
Believe it or not people can't see what's not there. If you aren't demonstrating what's good about you, don't expect women to notice.
If you are demonstrating those qualities then something is still missing and it's up to you to figure out what that is.
It sounds like you already know, but haven't quite faced up to it yet. When you have, I'm sure there will be plenty of people here ready and willing to help you out.
"Cognitive Dissonance" is a stage a lot of us male Aspies go through in our period of social and emotional development. Don't be disheartened if some of the members have likened you to having it. It does erode over time.
I know people born to poor families who are happily married and have good jobs, and your basketball team example doesn't make sense because you could just reschedule the doctor's appointment.
Someone that fits the ideal mold of women's expectations would.....well, meet their expectations and get a date, regardless of ill or good luck.
Now....speaking of "bad luck". We all believe in it, but should someone pity you for your luck and volunteer to pity date you?
Also, why are you judging women for not wanting to date a failure? If you're not a failure you'd have nothing to worry about, am I right?
Believe it or not people can't see what's not there. If you aren't demonstrating what's good about you, don't expect women to notice.
If you are demonstrating those qualities then something is still missing and it's up to you to figure out what that is.
It sounds like you already know, but haven't quite faced up to it yet. When you have, I'm sure there will be plenty of people here ready and willing to help you out.
"Cognitive Dissonance" is a stage a lot of us male Aspies go through in our period of social and emotional development. Don't be disheartened if some of the members have likened you to having it. It does erode over time.
Great Post!
I firmly believe that most people (at least 90%) lack true self-awareness. Most don't need it to be happy are likely content in their ignorance. Unfortunately, for people like us, we don't have that kind of luxery. If we aren't introspective or self aware we can't truly function in society and true self-awareness can be painful.
That's why we see so many self-prophessed "virgin losers" and women-resenting "niceguy" types on here. They aren't willing to be truly introspective and look at themselves because they don't like what they see when they do. Unfortunately facing that is the first step towards self-improvement.
When I say "self-improvement" I'm not refering to shallow things like working out more, dressing nicer, being more assertive, getting a better car/job/apt. Those things can help but unless you actually work on changing your poor attitude and low self-perception all that other stuff won't mean s**t in the long run. You'll still feel like a loser regardless of what you do.
I think everyone struggles with cognitive dissonance everyday.
All it means is that you brainwashed yourself. That's happenning right now im sure.
Unfortunately, i don't think it's possible to escape it, and believing one has escaped is just more cognitive dissonance, probably.
I think the number is closer to 100%, at varying levels of severity. Being logical type aspies can be rough tho, since we want and must have the answers. If we do not find them, or figure them out, we often feel forced to create a substitute answer, to fill the gap.
The issue seems to be that. We know we're logical, moreso than our peers, usually. Sadly, the world is not, and many don't place stock in untangible variations like emotions, or pretty much anything we're not good at. As such, our conclusions are off, and we just snowball theories until we take to the streets and proclaim the impending zombie apocalypse.
I like to think of it as a series of: 'Usually this, then usually this, then usually this, therefore, usually this!' Sadly, the answer isn't usually, its rarely. We have a bad habit of putting things in stone.
Usually to the power of 4, is actually not very often. We miss alot of variables. Example: Im nice, i did x,y,z, and girls say they like personality, therefore, im right for them.
Okay... true, but you just excluded 90% of everything else.
Recently, i tried to say something like this. There was a heated discussion that lasted days, so i suggested: Assuming none of you are fools, doesn't that mean you're missing something? Why else wouldn't you have come to some form of agreement or compromise otherwise?
Hmmm... and think of this: We want people to like us. But why? If suddenly, people start liking you... does that mean you're better than you were the day before? No.
Blaa. Everyone's delusional, just choose them wisely.
Wait, this is what a Buddhist Monk does isn't it? Clear his mind of Cognitive Dissonance? *chuckle* No wonder i choose to do a project on them at school.
_________________
Formerly I 80% N 85% T 80% P 15%, INTP, philosopher. Now E 60% N 65% F 90% P 15%, ENFP, ray of sunshine, unless i'm moody.
It clicked one day. I have empathy now. It has downsides i didn't expect. It's going somewhat poorly, since people tend to suck at new things. That's how you know it's true.
I firmly believe that most people (at least 90%) lack true self-awareness.
More than that.
I have an identical twin. Now, he refuses to accept anything is 'wrong' with him - but I'm sorry, he's as aspergers as you can get (and has had an awful lot of suffering because as it). Growing up, I watched his behaviour, saw how uncomfortable/'gauche' he was and it kind of pushed more self-awareness onto me. As I wanted my own identity, I pushed as far away from what I saw him do as I could. Harsh, but true. He was like a mirror in many ways, at an age when I just didn't have a clue. Would I ever say this to him? No. I still find him very embarassing at times - but that's a residue of all of that.
Okay here are my personal flaws.
1) Low self esteem.
2) Constantly worried about self image.
3) Sometimes I don't bother asking a girl out, other times I come off too eager.
4) Stuttering.
5) Really bad shaking, sweating, heart beating, when nervous or angry. Possibly too much adrenaline in my system.
If you don't have trophies, money, etc. -- okay, fine. But a practical-minded woman will want to see what else you've been doing with your life and how you've managed. Are you productive in the arts? Do you take care of a sick relative? Are you devoted to community work that's more work than talk? Or are you full of reasons for why nothing has gone right for you? Do you support yourself, and if so how?
She wants to see that you know how to make something of your life, and deal with life in a reasonably practical manner. Otherwise...you might be a really lovely guy, but she knows that in a relationship, she'll wind up doing the heavy day-to-day-practical-stuff lifting on her own, or with little help from you. She may even wind up carrying you. And if she's looking to have a family someday, or is building a career, she'll probably fight shy of a situation like that. If she has a lot of aunts or girlfriends, they'll also be warning her to look for someone who can help her in life. They'll put it pretty baldly, too: "But what does he have to offer you?"
Even if you're laboring under a disability, she'll want to see: What have you done with the material you have to work with? Are you upbeat, resourceful, encouraging, a positive force?
If she's a practical woman, she probably won't care what the reasons are for how things have gone for you: she's looking at results. She won't mean it unkindly, but she also won't want to invest a lot of herself in a relationship she doesn't see going anywhere.
This is a rational and revealing post, written by -OMG! *faint* a woman!
Gentlemen regardless of the implications we ignore this at our own peril.
The more you have to offer, the more women you can "choose" from.
And think of more than the cash money aspect - a study I saw a while back (can't remember who) found that increasing Money as an increasing attractant started leveling off after about $80,000 per year.
This may be more than you currently make but it implies that, "What does he have to offer," covers more categories than simply cash.
Otherwise why would movie stars ever get divorced?
And maybe, just maybe, you could increase those areas of offerage easier or faster than getting all the way up the ladder of financial success before dating.
Or you can do what many guys do and learn to lie. Which might be easier for the same results.
(I'm just kidding! Don't lie! Lying is bad! Mmm'kay?)
_________________
(14.01.b) cogito ergo sum confusus
Temporary results. Temporary and potentially painful and expensive results. At last count my lying ex was down, oh, almost all his friends and a home life, and had paid me about $50K in child support; there's a lot more to go. There's a thing about a kid growing up with no dad in the house, too. Expensive all around.
The money thing is right on. Yes, money's important, but boy, there's a lot of jerks who make big bucks. Women find that out pretty fast. It might be better living with a rich jerk than with a poor one, but most women don't want to live with a jerk at all. Enough money, responsibility, kindness, a bit of devil, self-control, a secure footing in the world, a generally calm/upbeat personality, and steadfastness -- those play well.
Hmmm... and think of this: We want people to like us. But why? If suddenly, people start liking you... does that mean you're better than you were the day before? No.
[...]
Because it hurts when they don't.
Does it? I never understood why it should. Not everyone is going to like you, that's a simple fact. Now, if someone you personally like doesn't like you back, I can see it stinging a bit.
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Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.
Sometimes having a large group of people like you is unnerving.I used to go to the Buddhist retreat center and became popular.I think I like being in the shadows more,while I know these people really care for me but it became smothery.All I wanted to do was learn about Buddhist philosophy,but I made friends.But I don't really want friends,I can barely deal with my own thought,it's too overwhelming with other people,even nice people.
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I am the dust that dances in the light. - Rumi
I've had similar experiences. I've been told I need to 'open up more', as if my initial intent really doesn't matter and my comfort level is just me building walls.
No, it's not. I'm there for a specific purpose. I will be nice to everyone else there and converse, but it does not mean I am interested in getting drinks later or even becoming queen bee. If I cannot accomplish the task I set out to do, you're in my way, simple as that.
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Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.
^^^^being the queen bee sounds tiresome,I hate being the center of attention.Maybe this is from being the center of attention in a bad way as a child.
I enjoyed discussing things but no,I don't want to hang out later for a movie and chit chat.Makes me tired.
I really enjoyed the meditation and learning the Tibetan ceremonies was cool,because I like that sort of thing,but people wanting closeness confuses me.
One thing I could do is wear a sign that says "observing silence,"than no one talk to you.
_________________
I am the dust that dances in the light. - Rumi
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