How do I save our relationship alone?

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foghaslifted
Butterfly

Joined: 1 Oct 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: Canada

08 Oct 2013, 12:58 pm

Stalk wrote:

foghaslifted wrote:

I don't want him to change I just want us to work on our communication.

Talk about contradiction, that there is the part you want to change OP. You will have to change too if you want to meet him halfway. That means understand that he can't change all the way for your communication benefits.

Fundamentally I know he wont change. Generally all people don't. Does that mean you can't adjust to new circumstances? Humans are a highly adaptable species. We've made it this far. I don't think that it's a ridiculous notion to hope for BOTH of us to adapt.

octobertiger
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08 Oct 2013, 1:03 pm

ENFP - Idealist. Ha, can spot 'em a mile away! Where's my prize? A champion, eh (maybe you will tough it out). Well, it's a model, M-B, but idealists generally share communication styles. Anyways.

When you say 'we' will try, well...

Good luck, I hope you are happy in whatever you do.

foghaslifted
Butterfly

Joined: 1 Oct 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: Canada

08 Oct 2013, 1:09 pm

aspiemike wrote:

JinNJ wrote:

So what I'm getting at here is, in my opinion, a relationship with a person with aspergers, has to be for the long haul. It will take a very long time to create a safe dynamic with semi-smooth communication. You and your partner are going to have to exert a LOT of energy to get over all of the transitions your relationship will go through. All of this will take time. A LOT of time.

Which also begs the question based on your post here.

In a very impatient society where a lot of people want their chosen one now, will working out the differences with someone who has a personality and Aspergers be worth it to either side? After all, first impressions matter a lot too.

In other words, I think the part that is diagnosed (learning social cues, body language, logical empathy- the knowing what to say and when and other things that come naturally but we are forced to learn), has a lot of people lose their patience with us very quickly. Even the most patient and understanding of people get tired of it after a while. The truth is, the general population believes "You should have known and I'm not going to be the one that teaches it to you. I don't have time for that."

On the other side of the coin, we know we need the work done. But some might grow frustrated and isolate themselves for some reason. Their guard goes up and it's damn near impossible for others to get back in when this happens (trust issues maybe, or fear... can't be aspie related as others go through this too). I am finding with some of the private conversations I have had, and I know I am like this too, but when my guard goes up with someone, it might never be dropped for that person again.

You are right, maybe the demands have something to do with it as well. I don't recall ever placing any demands on any partners. If I did, I know the demand would be unreasonable and I would have to walk away.

Do you demand that your partner is faithful to you? Do you demand that you get to see or talk to your partner? Do you demand that your partner is supportive or caring?

Every relationship is a give and take. Each party has needs. I find it rather ludicrous to imply otherwise.

I need to adapt and I will give my all to do so. That doesn't mean it's without compromise.

foghaslifted
Butterfly

Joined: 1 Oct 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: Canada

08 Oct 2013, 1:25 pm

octobertiger wrote:

ENFP - Idealist. Ha, can spot 'em a mile away! Where's my prize?

A champion, eh (maybe you will tough it out). Well, it's a model, M-B, but idealists generally share communication styles. Anyways.

When you say 'we' will try, well...

Good luck, I hope you are happy in whatever you do.

I see what you are saying. I know I have the majority of the work here. It is a daunting task.

JinNJ
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 8 Sep 2013
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 65

08 Oct 2013, 1:54 pm

I wasn't implying that you can't have needs. What I'm saying is that you had needs before that your partner was unaware of (asking about your day, expressions of love, gifts, and etc.). Now that you are armed with knowledge to get him to understand, the messages you were sending before , are now being received. In this case it may appear that you have suddenly become more demanding. On top of dealing with these 'new' demands he's dealing with this new aspect of his psyche.

I just get the impression from your posts that you think it is easier for him to simply accept and adjust than it is.

aspiemike
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09 Oct 2013, 12:19 am

foghaslifted wrote:

Do you demand that your partner is faithful to you? Do you demand that you get to see or talk to your partner? Do you demand that your partner is supportive or caring?

I have before placed demands like this with some people I was working towards being with. Due to private and personal information that I cannot give on this board, I cant go too much into details. But let's just say that even though we were dating and seeing eachother and I thought things would get serious, apparently asking for these kind of things was too much to ask for. I learned to get better at realizing when to walk away. Noone wants to be in a situation where its clear they won't get what they want.

Quote:

Every relationship is a give and take. Each party has needs. I find it rather ludicrous to imply otherwise.

I'm aware that there is give and take and that everyone has needs. But your man's needs might be more simple than yours. A lot of women I have dated have this idea that every guy should be able to know what they want without having to communicate it. The irony of this is I found out that this is definiftely not Aspie male exclusive. A lot of guys NT or Aspie get extremely frustrated with this attitude of "You should know what I want." without communication. Yet, we still have to deal with this. Even more frustrating is figuring out what the body language means and then being told that same cue had more than one meaning.

Quote:

I need to adapt and I will give my all to do so. That doesn't mean it's without compromise.

why should it be without compromise anyway? Best of luck. But do remember that he wont know what you want without communication. I could also say that maybe one small step at a time couldn't hurt either as I know I wouldn't want a lot of expectations and standards dumped on me at once either. No man does AS or NT.

_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

cheeseandbees
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 8 Oct 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

09 Oct 2013, 10:35 am

Hey foghaslifted- I feel we are in same boat and I feel as you that in order to help your guy you have come to this forum to seek advice... My guy and I both now think he may have aspergers but does this help? Believe me it has been hard and the reason you say fog has lifted is possibly that you now have some idea of how hard it has been for him. I agree knowledge may help you both find ways to work this out not sure if I am strong enough though and may be end for us... Wish you well

IlovemyAspie
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