Just be yourself..

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I agree with logicalmolly. To fit in with other women you have to "take part" in the social interaction going on within the group you are in at that time. If they are behaving one way, say they are talking about going to the beauty salon, you have to listen and try and show a bit of interest. I honestly sit there thinking, "so you waste money on this crap?" but I smile and say nice things instead. If I am not kind enough to listen to what they find interesting I won't have any friends.

People don't like it when you start talking about things that you are interested in that are narrow interests. I see people glazing over when I start to get into too much detail about my favourite architecture. It's ok to say I like such and such a building, but it's not okay to go into the architect's inspiration and their goals in what they wanted their design to achieve unless you are talking to someone else with that sort of interest too.

Is it the same with dating? I don't know. I try and be myself with men because I'm looking for a partner and don't want someone expecting one thing from me and finding that I am completely different. I have learned over the years not to be so arrogant in the way I express my opinion. I don't just jump in and say this is what I think and that is all, no discussion, like I did when I was younger. You can often be true to who you are, but be polite and acquiesce in such a way as allowing the other person to be themself without making them feel devalued by the way you state your own opinion.

I realise that this might not be the sort of comment you are looking for as this has been my own personal problem over the years. I do tend to come across as a bit severe and intellectual in a teacher-ish, in an I know best kind of way and I've been trying to soften myself in the way I speak to people. I think that it is important for me to do that because what man is going to be with a woman who is always correcting him and saying, you pronounced this word wrong and so on.

I am still myself, just a softer version of myself. I am a pastel drawing rather than a cubist painting.

What level of 'yourself' do you mean ?

Everyone more or less has to suppress instinctive impulses and desires. You can't live in a society unless you do.

If being 'yourself' is anti-social or puts a prospective partner off, maybe you are not sufficiently supressing self-centered impulses. Some extreme examples would be eating garlic constantly, always being angry, only doing what you feel like doing.

I understand that. I tend to be attracted to very expressive men for that reason as I feel like I can understand what they are trying to convey better. I go for arty types who are used to being expressive or the sort who like to be entertaining and tell entertaining stories. These are the kind of men who become musicians and comedians in other walks of life. But then there is this vulnerability I like behind the stories, songs and jokes when I get to know them. Ok, so I'm describing only 3 men I've met. But they have been the ones I have enjoyed spending the most time with and will always cherish their company even though things didn't work out romantically.

It would not be possible to eat garlic constantly without becoming extremely ill.

Eating garlic frequently would be another matter.

I have no problem being my usual upbeat self.

I'm looking for all sorts of comment, but specially personal experiences - I find them valuable learning materials.

Toy Soldier is probably right in that I'm finding it very difficult to sufficiently suppress self-centered impulses. I'm finding it very difficult to justify to myself doing this because the more I suppress myself the more unhappy I become and my goal is not to become unhappy. This is why I mostly decide that the trade off between compromise and relationship is just not worth it - as it was mentioned by others on this thread already.

OK, I'll meet you half way at 'Very Frequently'. But thats my last offer.

For me, I think the advice is good for "love and dating". If you had have posted it in another section I might have a different answer.

Why? Well...same as you, I happen to like being myself. And when it comes to relationships, being myself is the best way to get what I want, because it's all about getting to know each other and loving each other for who you really are. Other areas of life like school, careers and even social get-togethers aren't about that (or aren't as much about that).

Would you want your prospective partners to "just be themselves" around you? If the answer is yes, then I think you should do the same.

Definitely. This is why I cannot even consider dating someone unless I've known them so long that they'd given up pretending to be someone they are not. Nobody can keep up the pretense indefinitely and men generally will say anything they think will get them 'in' when they first meet a woman they like so I find it's better to be friends first until you get to the real person and then see if you actually like who they really are.

If I was interested in short flings however, this wouldn't apply.

My advice for attracting girls is to always be friendly to not just women but people in general. (Just don't come off as a creeper) You will find that when you are friendly to other people, they will gravitate towards you more. Friendly people are easy to talk to, so if you're seen as friendly, thats a plus.


When it comes to "just being yourself" that only means you shouldn't change your likes, dislikes, hobbies just to impress a girl. For instance, starting to play hockey because you want to fit in even though you don't like sports in general. In that case you should be yourself then you can find a girl who has similar interests to you.

I shall keep that in mind for when I get my lesbian turn



Edit: Arghhh this is what I mean! My initial reaction - amusement at Cody seemingly suggesting I am looking for a girl and a need to make a funny comment about it is always going to happen - there is no point dating someone who is going to find this aspect of me annoying!

Sorry Cody - what you said applies to any situation, whatever the gender of either person, so it's good advice - thank you!

Well, if you WERE looking for a girl, everything you just said would have charmed the pants off me! Haha! It's these little insights into a person's true personality that I find really important to learn about FAST. I think your ex's advice is s**t, and if he really worded it like that then it could be quite insulting (though I'm guessing he knew you well enough to know that you don't get insulted or offended easily).

I don't know, but the way you worded it all made it sound like you were saying that you naturally adjust your personality as need be (according to whom you're interacting with), and that is something sociopaths themselves tend to do.

I may put on the act of being sociable when need be, but that is not exactly the same as trying to mimic people's personalities in order to fit in.

Also, "sociopathic" was used to refer to the behavior you described rather than you as a person.



Isn't that what NTs tend to do as well?

Anyway, this is not being a chameleon (at least in the traditional sense of the word). This is about knowing how to play the social game, which NTs tend to be naturally adept at and some Aspies learn to play with some good practicing and/or observing.

That is not correct. You did not read my post properly. Look. I said:




You will note I did not say "I mimic sociable people" nor did I say "I adjust my personality to make it more sociable and more compatible with that of a sociable person." I am not "adjusting" my personality, nor am I "mimicing" anybody else's. All of those aspects of my personality are already there inside me. Depending on my mood and the company I am with, I can be quiet, nerdy, or sociable - because I am all of those things.

Just because someone's personality can be summed up with more than one adjective does not make that person a sociopath! Everyone has multiple personality traits. I am sure that you do yourself.

You clearly don't understand females with AS. You keep posting here implying that I am a sociopath when I have already provided you with a link to an article explaining this issue. I have already explained it to you once, and quite frankly your persistence is offensive. How would you like it if I branded you as a sociopath just because your male AS does not manifest itself in the way my female AS does?

When I am with a nerdy person, I see that it is a good time for me to bring out my inner nerdiness, because it will be appreciated. When I am with a quiet person, I see that it is a good time to indulge in a companionable silence. And when I am with a bubbly, outgoing person, I see that it is a good time to have a giggle. That's all.

Perhaps you don't understand that, but that's the way it works. There's no need to make such a big issue out of this. It's not that complicated at all.

That's the part that mainly triggered my response here. If I misunderstood you, then I misunderstood you.

Anyway, could be worse. I've been labeled as a narcissist so many times by now it's not even funny anymore.

"Just being yourself" is rather useless advice, really.

For a start, each of us has as many social 'selves' as there are people who interact with us.

For a second (and more importantly) "yourself" varies due to the social chemistry you experience with another person. A relationship, however ephemeral, is more than the sum of its parts. It's like trying to tell hydrogen to be xenon.