I'm scared of men touching me. Advice??

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Have you had a bad experience with a man hurting you in some way, or have you seen it done to another woman?

I actually go out of my way to avoid interacting with women at all because I'm terrified of making them uncomfortable. So if I ever see any girl glance over at me in public, or approach me for something at work, I pretend there's something stuck under my fingernail or that something interesting is in a nearby storefront. In certain situations I've even tried to act a little bit effeminate. Scary thing is, I think it actually did relieve whatever tension there might have been. Thank god for smartphones. You can take that thing out and have a completely valid reason to look to bored or occupied to be considered threatening.

I have to take issue with the person who said the issue is you; unless you live in a paradise of a society, men are frickin dangerous (physically and psychologically) and are not to be trusted lightly. If you're set on a relationship with one, give him clear and firm info early in the dating process about when/how/if you want to be touched. If I were in your place, I'd stick with dating women. Put your comfort first.

To be honest, I have a bit of a problem with them saying that too. However, I asked for opinions and they are entitled to theirs, whether or not I agree with it. And I will certainly need to change some things.

That's a big part of it for me really. Men can be dangerous. I'm certainly not saying all are, just that some are. And it can be very difficult to tell the difference.
I'm not totally sure on the psychological danger of men, because women can be just as dangerous in that respect. But when it comes to physical danger I completely agree. I'm a 5'3'' 125lb girl. If a guy wants to hurt me I don't have much of a chance.
I'm certainly considering just dating women, but to be honest, I think I prefer men (I just find them more attractive).
And yeah, if I ever have a relationship I'm probably going to have a huge amount of rules...[i]

I only have some interest in guys (I am one, BTW) but they are "scarier" to me. I think it's fear of the volatility -- being more prone to demonstrative/scary anger and having the muscle to back it up, compared to women. (And, I'm 6' and 200lbs!) I had a parent with a volatile and scary temper, so maybe that also has something to do with it.

Maybe guys who are friends of friends and familiar would be easier? I can hardly stand to be touched at all by people (of either sex) who I have no familiarity with.

How do you feel about women touching you? I'm asking because if it's women too you have major problems with being touched in general by people but if it's just men then the problem is that there is something about men you don't trust or feel comfortable with. If it is just with men & you mentioned being bisexual it may be easier for you just to dance with & be with women romantically & sexually.

It's women a little bit too, but not nearly as much. With women I'm just mildly uncomfortable because touch can be physically unpleasant to me if I'm not expecting it. So sometimes I worry I might be touched unexpectedly and it might be uncomfortable. But I'm not actually scared of women. This might just be because some of my friends are really 'hands-on' people and they've gotten me used to it. Hell, I kissed my best friend once when I was drunk and had no problem with it.
But I agree, part of the problem is just my dislike for touch. But, if it were just that then I don't think it would account for the actual fear I have of being touched by a guy.
And maybe I will just stick with women, but I do prefer men (it's not an equal bisexuality) so I don't really want to give up just yet.



It might be that too. My brother can have a temper at times. And as soon as he got taller than me he started using it to his advantage when we had arguments, saying things like: "you're lucky I don't hit you" and "do you really wanna argue with someone that can beat you up?"
I also have a really hard time knowing when to stop with an argument. I sometimes don't even know I'm making someone mad, I just think I'm having a discussion with them. But, I'm not even trying to be confrontational. So, my mum always tells me that one day I'm going to piss someone (a man) off enough that he'll hit me.
She also constantly warns me about how easy it is for a girl to get raped/assaulted. So that doesn't help.
And yeah, I don't generally like being touched, but with men I'm actually scared of it.

You are afraid of a man mistreating you and so instead let fear control you. This is not a balanced or realistic view. Are you aware of the problems that can come of making and believing sterotypes? Such as the current favorite 'Men are Beasts'

Others may have affected your development and imprinted their own biases and fears on you. It happens. We don't live in a vaccumn. But it is up to you now to discern what is realistic and requires cautions and prudence and what is unrealistic and will warp your progress continually until corrected.

I think this is something that you should talk to a counseler about (Psych/Therapist) and may take a while to work thru. No one here is a medical professional and you can get all sorts of advice both good and bad and indifferent. I think this is quite an important subject but don't take my word for it. See someone who has seen this before and see what they have to say.

For me, unexpected touch isn't much of an issue these days (thanks to years working with grabby children!). It's the intent behind it that matters. There's a difference between a friendly touch and a sexual touch - and I'm not talking about location, but the feeling that it conveys.

I'm a man, I don't mind being touched, personally.

I get scared of people i dont know touching me period also when people touch me when i don't expect it! I hate it when they come up behing and touch or grab my shoulder!

Yeah, for me the physical touch is just a bit unpleasant, but it's tolerable. However, if it has any sexual connotations I'm terrified.



I know my fear isn't reasonable, and that it was partially influenced by others. But it's not just men, I'm not really comfortable with any sort of sexual contact. It's just worse with men for some reason. I'm well aware that men are not beasts, but I still have a problem if they make sexual/physical/(sometimes even emotional) advances. And it's not totally unreasonable to be wary of men....

Flip it round, could you make such a sexual contact with someone else?

Therein lies the answer (that is, if you want this 'resolved').

Maybe it's something inside yourself that you're really scared of - where else could it be?

You can initiate contact first. But all in all, you might need help.
Did anything happen to you by a man in your childhood?
If not, you need to seek some type of help to get over that anxiety. Take small steps. Very small.
It may be challenging. Challenges are hard but not impossible.

No, its not unreasonable to be wary of men. There certainly are plenty of examples one could come up with of bad behavior. But it is the same with most things. There are good and there are bad and lots in between. The unhealthy situation mentally is to either be too trusting or too biased against.

As far as men's advance's go you have to look at it in terms of what is the accepted norm, that is what are they taught or expected to do. In most places the male is still expected to take the initiative. Even here in WP you can read women say it frequently. So just taking the initiative is not automatically a sign of agression. Much depends on accurately being able to discern intent. That can not be done in an evening, but takes time before you can get to know someone and determine their intent is good.

But even if you were to determine a person's intent was good, I think there will still be a process to go thru, maybe by degrees to accustom yourself to the various stimuli. For example, if my gf was like that I would begin with proximity, such as doing a puzzle together, seeing a movie. Then move on to silly simple games like thumb wrestling or painting each others faces. Over time progress to holding hands while walking, etc, etc.

But honestly I don't know how successful it will be. It could go well or there could be hold ups, and these things I believe are beyond the average person's abilities, which is why I suggest getting some professional assistance. As Aspies many of us experience delays and issues in this area, so its not really strange or surprizing. Utimately I think this a more solvable issue then many I encounter here. And I can say it is well worth any effort for the positive aspects of it are well worth the effort.

I'm aware that it's the social norm, and I don't blame the men at all. It's not their fault if I'm uncomfortable when they don't know they're doing something wrong. I'm sure many would feel awful if they knew how uncomfortable I am sometimes.

At this point it seems almost to me like a phobia? I can see a lot of similarities with my reaction to men as with my cousin's arachnophobia. And I'm aware that a reaction like that is not healthy for me. So yes, I definitely plan to see an expert on this.

I just really wanted opinions from others on the spectrum so that ....well I'm not sure why. But it feels right to ask questions on here? I'm not sure. But I'm glad I did. Everyone's been really helpful and supportive. And I've been given some great ideas.

Like yours! The starting-with-proximity thing would probably work. And the more I think about it the more I wonder why I hadn't thought of it before...So, thank you!
(And I actually paint faces for the kids at my parents' Canada Day party - it's really fun and lots of kids want to be tigers so I always run out of orange)